i don't know why i keep asking for help. i'm never going to get the help i need. it simply does not exist. i'm an atheist, so what does everyone offer? prayers. i also don't want advice, fortune cookies, or selfhelp pamphlet propaganda, or "luck"/superstition, but that's the best i can get. everyone relentlessly whines and complains about the negativity in my words, which means they're not capable of seeing the positive, but that's all my fault. everyone also constantly complains so much it's exhausting, that i'm just being 'condescending' and making everyone sound stupid, when not even my punctuation can be recognized or appreciated. my uniqueness is constantly suffocated and degraded, but that's okay, society can keep getting away with that. i fail to understand why i'm supposed to be so positive, when all i've ever gotten from people is illiterate bullying, i'm supposed to know how it feels to be understood and accepted as i am. my two decades of trauma and resentment should be like a backpack i can just drop at any moment to appease the weak. it's funny how i can take this much abuse, but those who read about my trauma can't even handle reading about it. it's comforting knowing no one feels the way i do. no one makes an effort to reach out to me, no one's capable of understanding me. i would hire someone just to ask for help for me, because i no longer have the emotional capacity for it. i'm really trying to find people like me, likeminded people, on my level, who i can brainstorm with, be creative and productive with, people intelligent enough and compassionate enough to avoid trying to control my life and tell me what to do and who to be. i'm seriously doubtful that those people even exist. you'd think a few might have found me by now if they were actually looking. but no. i'm physically disabled on disability with complex ptsd, severe depression, no friends or family, overcame a decade of homelessness a year ago, no coordination with the internet, which no one can understand. i want to start my own company, that doesn't matter to anyone in the land of opportunity. where is this fabled opportunity? hidden under the shiny fake scammer-friendly internet? hidden behind all the advertisements for who they want you to be?
Sun 5:11 PM
Constance replied to you
Constance Athayde
That's a lot to pack into a few lines. Obviously you've been hurt and disappointed on many levels. People are always going to disappoint us, they're just as hurt in many cases. Just better at hiding it behind instagram filters.
Sun 6:01 PM
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that... doesn't help.
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i don't need excuses and justifications, i need people.
Chantell replied to you
Chantell Buggins
Hi Ozzy,
Are you working with support services and have a support person working with you?
Can you advise exactly what help you need.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
It’s understandable to feel doubt regarding the abilities of others to support you when you have experienced bullying, and condescension that seems very normal in the contexts you’ve shared
I’m curious as well regarding what it might be that you would like help or support with?
Sun 7:33 PM
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i currently have a caseworker trying to get me a caregiver, but they keep stalling and throwing cheap excuses. what i need is compassionate, trauma-informed matchmaking and a small business entrepreneur mentor, all the way down to the small personal things, i cannot take care of myself anymore, i have chronic physical pain.
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mainly, i just need people in my life, i need people to reach out to me cause i cannot do anymore reaching out and investing in friendships to waste my time and not have it reciprocated, i can't keep doing that to myself, i won't, so i would seriously pay someone at this point, to ask for help for me, to send people to me, whether my profile or my home, anything, the sooner i can start my company, the sooner i can heal and be the better me i want to be.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
I’m not a matchmaker in any traditional sense; yet I do support empowering others to invite deep heart centered connections towards themselves in my coaching practice.
I do that by empowering my clients to connect deeply with their own heart center to enable them move into a more secure space within themselves.
What type of business are you looking to startup?
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my own film company and my own tech company to start with, but a lot more than that. i have complex trauma, it's very very deep, for a very long time. i'm also physically disabled, so i really have no interest in "self-care" or doing anything myself. i hate that this country constantly gets away with being so classist and ableist, expecting disabled people to just do everything themselves. there's really nothing i can do myself anymore and i don't even have the interest to get back to that, i don't mind being dependent on my community, if only the community could be dependable, reliable. so while i can appreciate that you empower people, that's not going to work for me, i need actual legitimate compassionate dedicated personal help which i'm willing to pay for. you don't have to be a matchmaker, if you could at least help me find someone else who would be more willing and able, would be awesome, but even that priority can be sidestepped, as long as i can start my company soon... that's why i'm leaving my options open, and refuse to close them or take the 'matchmaking' card off the table despite the demands of the fascist resources who barely provide the heartless bare minimum. i need out of this quicksand, twigs and selfhelp pamphlets won't do it, i need a human hand, a caring, loving, accepting human hand.
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what i don't need is more criticism and judgment and bullying and degradation and the thesaurus of synonyms i could throw around the planet, i've had enough of that to choke a whale. if i can't get any of that in this country, then if someone could get me to amsterdam or finland, i'm sure i'll be just fine there. every other country is kicking murrrkuh's ass in just about every statistic, education, poverty.
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does american't want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity?
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i have yet to get a good answer to that, it's not as hypothetical as it seems. are guns and money really the be all end all to human communication on this planet? i refuse to believe they are, i know we can do much better than this. money is outdated and no longer serves its use, it's hoarded by all the wrong people. too controlled. not to rant like a loon, just sayin. i need people, compassion, something money and internet don't help me get. and my trauma, all the reaching out i've done, has taken a serious toll on me, and i can't and won't keep damaging myself, doing more damage to myself, just trying to get the help i need.
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i know i'm longwinded and full of words, i love that about myself.
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i try to be as clear as possible and still i haven't felt understood in years.
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finland ended homelessness, australia legalized prostitution and outlawed guns. and now look at murrrkuh. where is this fabled opportunity?
Chantell
Chantell Buggins
Ozzy,
Pls state what you need.
Is it home support?
Mental Health Support
Disability Supports.
Housing support.
There is a plethora of assistance in the Cairns region that will be available to you.
No one can assist you when you talk us what you DONT have.
Pls let us know what you DO need.
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all of the above, plus small business entrepreneur mentorship and some sort of compassionate trauma-informed matchmaking, that's what no other "resource" will provide, and i refuse to accept that. that's pretty much what i mean when i say i try to be clear enough, and i'm still not being understood. i need people sent to me.
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and i'm never going to get that. it doesn't exist. no one knows how.
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you can friend me or dm me for more clarification if you want. i repeat myself so much and it never gets anywhere. i've been asking for this for years. thousands of people. no one knows how to help with this. so once i get started, i would start the company to make all this a thing of the past. if you really can't understand this, just pass it on to someone else. that's the most that ever happens anyway. i can't keep repeating this crap. that's what i would pay someone to do for me. and still, no one knows how. and i think to myself, if more people in society knew how to get people help... fff. what would happen if we cured loneliness, would there be a shortage of yachts?
Sara
Sara Curley
Is your current case working able to assist with arranging mental health support, or are they primarily focused on attempted to arrange a support around your disability?
Sun 8:21 PM
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they're stalling. they're not doing enough to help. which is why i'm asking others. still. i've been asking for years, repeating this crap for so long it's taken a serious toll on me, i would pay someone just to say this crap for me. my caseworker has no sense of urgency, they're too restricted! why can't anyone believe that, or try getting this help themselves to see if it can even be gotten or not? why does everyone expect disabled people to do everything themselves?
Sun 11:25 PM
Chantell replied to you
Chantell Buggins
That's right. If you have a case worker they should be working WITH you not FOR you to secure further assistance .
Sun 11:48 PM
Nik
Nik Gees
Ozzy I understand you. Its like groundhog day huh?
Understanding a different language that few understand.
My advice lots of ptsd groups online join those groups and speak to people who understand the same language.
Be clear when you are being triggered. Ask it to be written down so there is a record of what you have said.
Nik
Nik Gees
I find when I am triggered that my language and writing becomes jumbled up. Communication can become incoherent. How bad that is really depends on severity of the trigger. And how many in short succession. I think those times Is when help is needed. Those times is when it can be utilised the most.
12:54 AM
Fran
Mcbarron Fran
I used to suffer from severe triggers just like your hun, when your ready it will simmer down with time
3:50 AM
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i appreciate it, but i really wish people would stop telling me those things like i haven't thought of them yet. and assuming i don't already have stuff when i do, haven't already done stuff when i have, that seriously needs to stop, why do so many do that? first of all, i do have a caseworker. the bare minimum really does nothing for me. i use the word "with" constantly, and then people love saying back to me "you just want everyone to do everything FOR you". they think that if they have to do one little thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, use my legs for me, run my company for me, they use that as an excuse to not help me or to keep stalling, and no one stops them! no one tries to get this help themselves to see if it works or if it's legitimate or not, no one cares enough! it's not just different languages, i feel like i'm literally on a different planet, i often feel like young ellie in contact sending messages to aliens on a cb radio, anything i get back is a delusion out of desperation. but it's all a broken record, nothing new. my life motto is 'it does not have to fxcking be this way', i want that carved in my headstone if anyone cares enough. repetition is a big trigger for me, so the more this happens, the worse it gets. and this won't stop happening because no one will try to understand me well enough. these are the same humans i should be reaching out to and investing time in? why don't YOU get my caseworker to help? make anything easier for me instead of expecting disabled people to do everything themselves? everyone has to ASSUME i haven't joined any groups yet, instead of going into these groups and looking for my messages, what incentive do they have to do that? none. but that's on me too, right? that's why i have to tell people constantly i don't want advice, i want people. i don't want fortune cookies, i want people. i don't want selfhelp pamphlet propaganda, i want people. people seems to be the most difficult thing to get because everyone's so indoctrinated to offer a substitute. keep the poor suffering and closed off and isolated, right? teamwork got us to the moon, but we can't do anything about loneliness or poverty? if i refuse to believe that, does it matter to anyone else? and getting people to write down when i'm triggered and what i've said? first of all, it's the internet, everything's saved whether you like it or not, except my groovy comments when people block me, kick me out, or delete me, which has happened, i've lost so much i've written it hurts my mind daily. i've lost more writings than you'll ever know. one favorite in particular, a poem called 'wind in my face' that ended with 'i swear i'm not insane, yet i'm laughing as i'm crying, and oh god, there's the pavement', which a fellow poet gave me on deviantart. i've been on deviantart for two decades, youtoob for years, still no one knows how to use the internet to get the right attention to one traumatized person. so what movie do we need to make? the world's first lonely person asking for a friend, and society doesn't know how to handle that? takes them years to figure out? what unprecedented thing to we need here? or is anyone ever truly gonna care, are they even capable of caring enough? from what i've seen? man... 'hopeless' doesn't cut it. i'm not triggered, just having to make myself clear enough and understood yet again, knowing i'm getting myself no closer to a friend. this is twenty twenty three, humanity could easily unite and do wondrous things. but we're too busy suffering. i would lead us to greater things, i would inspire, when's the last time anyone felt excitement? because it's been ground out of us. think about it. your job, your bank, your car, your home, the cycle, the hamster wheel of human slavery, get a calculator, how much is your rent, how much do you make, and how much time do you spend in your home? do me up a pie chart and tell me if you think it's exciting, inspiring, empowering, uplifting, where is this fabled opportunity? how many poor people are suffering right now? and we can't do anything about that? i would. in a heartbeat, i would start the company that makes this a thing of the past. i'm ashamed that no one else has yet, how many lives could we have saved with a decisive act? who says i have to fit into society's mold? they really need me that bad? one more monkey in the barrel? society should aspire to be more like me. but try convincing them of that.
Nik
Nik Gees
,I find it comes and goes fran. I got a job as it was quiet for a long time. I thought better. Wrong 🙄😊 jeeze it's a nightmare to live with.
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this ain't on me, no matter how much everyone tries to sell me that, i ain't buyin' it and i don't have to. disabled people shouldn't have to do everything themselves. i've seen disabled wheelchair people fall off busses, i've seen homeless people be burnt to death while they were sleeping, driven over while they were sleeping. my ass we can't do better than this. things need to be done, and the longer we go without doing them... what else is the government for, than to keep their people from suffering? you've got a country full of people, you can empower everyone and reach your potential, or you can keep half your people suffering for profit. to walk above them. and your whole country suffers. but hey, you're rich, who cares? when the alternative makes this current course look that laughable, why do we stay here?
Nik
Nik Gees
What's your point in reference to this group ozzy. Which seems to be trauma informed educational packages?
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with these last two paragraphs? mainly explaining myself in an informative way so people can understand my trauma hoping it adds to the collective knowledgebase, which i know is pointless, i haven't felt understood or beneficial in years. i'm also kind of proving that people aren't as informed as they think. don't ever get to a certain point and think that's everything to know. you make it sound like i'm not allowed to talk about my trauma or explain myself here. i hate being excluded and rejected from everywhere i should be just because someone can't understand me. if you have trouble understanding it, read it again. that's why it's text. i wish people were more "trauma-informed" than they are. i wish anyone could understand me. and... how is this whole thing here not an "educational package", hell, i'm an educational package. people could learn a lot from me, but other people love to go around making that seem futile. just to keep me invisible and suffering another day. if you don't want me here, just boot me, don't dance around with a carrot and a stick. eventually, if i get excluded and rejected from enough "groups" of other peoples, i'll just make my own, which was my instinct so many years ago when wannabe metal bands stole all my friends.
I actually understand what you are saying.
No way can you possibly understand it unless you live it.
There is a good book the body keeps the score I think that's fairly good description
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i prefer a video on complex trauma by diane langberg, but can't get anyone to watch it let alone discuss it with me, not even my therapists or caseworkers, no one.
Nik
Nik Gees
Is that on YouTube? What was your primary childhood/war?
4:40 AM
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uh... huh? i don't understand your question. yes, the video's on the monopoly that is youtoob, where else would it be?
Lee
Lee Sneddon
You sent
if you're asking what my biggest source of trauma is, i come from a family who was constantly talking over me, interrupting me, never letting me finish a thought, then i destroyed my life trying to save my mothers, lost everything including a wealth of writings, which was like a severed head after all the severed tongues, then i was homeless for a decade, and since i've been housed this last year trying to get the help i need and being told every bit of crap otherwise, this last year is absolutely the worst year of my life, it has been an absolute nightmare. and it won't end. nothing i do or say matters. all the reaching out i've done has done absolutely nothing.
Nik
Nik Gees
Oh I thought ptsd happened at the point when you think you will die. It did to me. I couldn't escape was unable to fight or flight I was drugged.
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i was drugged and raped when i was nineteen, i know what that's like, but no, ptsd can come from anything, not just war. there's pretty much nothing people can't be traumatized by.
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my grandmother verbally abused my mother her entire life, causing my mother to be four hundred pounds bedridden with a tracheotomy and no teeth so she couldn't even verbally defend herself anymore, that's how i got good with my words, my grandmother weaponized her religion against my mother and i, so i started fighting with facts.
Nik
Nik Gees
It comes at a point where you think you will die. So ptsd brain takes over. I recall laughing and couldn't understand why others seemed distressed.
Nik
Nik Gees
This is why when similar or identical patterns repeat. The brain responds to that time. As if it was that time. To protect you. It's like groundhog day.
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the thing about being triggered is, no one knows how to react in those moments because for people with triggers, you have a multitude of possible reactions spinning around like a short circuiting jukebox. at least that's one way to put it for me. doesn't mean we're wrong, or psycho, just means we only get to pick one.
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here i am offering you knowledge and still getting none myself. how do i get stuck here so much. if people want advice from me that badly, they can pay me for it.
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don't be offended, i'm just tired of this same old crap. i'm gonna try to watch a movie even thought i can't even handle doing that alone anymore.
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though
Nik
Nik Gees
Good luck olly I am exhausted. Curl up under weighted blanket and sleep for me
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i could not feel more depressed and hopeless right now.
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who needs people with all this luck going around?
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i thought i told you i just woke up. no wonder i feel so understood!
