if i wake up tomorrow

 Sara Curley

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Works at BC Pension Corporation and ConsciouslyConnecting.ca

Sun 8:08 PM

Sara

Sara Curley

Hi Ozzy, that you for the invite to Dm you. 

May I ask you some further questions specifically around the business you’d like to launch?

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hello.

You can now message and call each other and see info like Active Status and when you've read messages.

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i want to start my own film company and tech company. i want to revolutionize the internet and make it a thousand times more fun and easier to use and look better. and my film company, i'm sick of hollywood and want to film my own stuff with my own new standards. one idea is a show about starting my own timeline from the dawn of civilization. just to depict how this world could be better with a little action.

Sara

Sara Curley

Which one of those two is your priority? The tech company, or the film company?

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i won't choose just one. once i start one, i'm starting the rest, and not stopping, there's a lot more than that. i also want to do comedy, i want to start my own metal band, i want my own restaurant, i do not intend to stop or settle. i figure it would be easy enough to start a podcast to tell my story so i never have to repeat it again and so it might benefit others in similar situations, and then i can grow from that, the more people i get, the more i can do.

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i also have ideas for a site to sell shirts and stickers to start off, for extra income, also using patreon and other things like that would help.

Sara

Sara Curley

We all have to start somewhere; which one of those many ideas currently feels the most inviting to you?

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i have complex trauma. they all do, they're all my children, i can't and won't pick a favorite. but like i said, the podcast is the easiest to start with and grow from there. and it's what i need to do first, to heal from this trauma, or doing anything else will be rather pointless.

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i really don't mean to sound so... stubborn.

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if anyone could just ask for help FOR me, and send people to me, would help immensely, i cannot keep doing it myself.

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it's taken a serious toll on me.

Sara

Sara Curley

It’s understandable that you don’t want to pick a favorite, you sounds very passionate regarding all these ideas.

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but... to... try to answer your last question clearer... yes, the podcast. that's step one. i would need two people to podcast with.

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ambition is a keyword here.

Sara

Sara Curley

It sounds like you’ve got some ideas around the format for the podcast, what roles do the other two people play in your vision?

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one tech person to control the whole... thing... and another trauma-informed, compassionate... i guess a journalist type person would suffice, to basically interview me, keep the story coming out, and then be able to... put the pieces in some sort of linear order, make sense out of it. i cannot do that myself. i've tried on youtoob for years now, and i only get bullied. i don't even post anymore.

Sara

Sara Curley

Just to make sure I’m clear; one would be tech person, and the other would effectively be a co-host that’s there to coach and guide you while keeping the show on track for the episode topic?

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pretty much, yes.

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they need to be compassionate, trauma-informed. and sober, no addictions. preferably atheist, cause me dealing with religious people is... just not wise at this point. no offense if you're religious. my grandmother weaponized her religion against my mother and i. long story not worth telling anymore. they're both dead. i destroyed my life trying to save my mother's.

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she died at fifty five, seven years ago, from nurse negligence.

Sara

That sounds like it’s all taken a heavy toll on you, it’s understandable that you’d be averse to religious types from that experience.

Sara

Sara Curley

Would the tech person need to be local to you?

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that's... yup... thanks for understanding. i've had a lot of people not understand that.

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they both would, yes, i need people close to me. it needs to be a very... i don't know how to say it, but i have serious trust issues i still need to work on, abandonment issues... that's... compassion is vital. closeness is vital. this podcast about trauma doesn't work without it. i need to build trust. and closeness.

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i've had so many people try to convince me it's not possible, i refuse to believe that, but that doesn't matter to them, they're too persistent. my defiance only gets me bullied and judged.

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and ordered around.

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i desperately need intimacy, connection, loyalty.

Sara

Sara Curley

I can’t see any reason that you couldn’t achieve producing the podcast; from what you’ve shared so far your vision is very clear, it just seems like some of the details and the connections might be lacking?

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pretty much, this is the best i've been able to do alone, this is as far as i could get myself alone, i can't brainstorm with one brain, i can't determine anything without an alternate perspective or input, and i've been alone so long... yeah... just a massive void where that crap should be. people are needed, and... society wants me to believe that people is the most difficult thing to get. i won't accept that. we've been to the moon.

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cooperation is not a bad thing.

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it's just society's mentality about keeping the poor suffering, keeping the status quo, the indoctrination they don't even see.

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the selfhelp pamphlet propaganda. the fortune cookies, the "luck", the "thoughts and prayers" that do nothing, the fact that society leaves it to god to help the poor, we should be doing that till god shows up. government won't help the poor, banks won't help the poor, so let's let god do it, he's done so well so far.

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not ranting, just saying.

Sara

Sara Curley

How much do you think your lack of trust might be influencing the quality of relationships that you have?

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fffffffffffffffffffff. way too much. it's... it's bad. by an order of magnitude. to the nth power. ain't no bare minimum therapy unraveling this onion.

Sara

Sara Curley

That sorta of self awareness is admirable, it’s certainly something to celebrate.

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i have an invisible tornado of chaos and dreams and goals and crap over my head at all times and no one can see it, so they love assuming it's not there, that it's just a figment of my imagination, like my trauma is just a backpack i should be able to drop at any moment to appease the weak, most people can't even handle reading about my trauma, they don't consider that i lived through it and they didn't.

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one of my favorite videos on youtoob is complex trauma by diane langberg. i try to get my caseworker people to watch it and discuss it with me, they haven't yet, and i've been through... a lot of them. sound mental health, valley cities, healthpoint sunset, back to sound mental health...

Sara

Sara Curley

CPTSD has a massive effect on how we interact and receive experiences.

I’m not qualified to directly address it; I’m a coach (trauma informed) I’m all about filling the gap from where you are now to where you wanna go and help my clients create action steps. 

I’m curious, on a scale from 1 to 10 how much do you trust yourself, 1 being not at all, and 10 being completely?

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i will accept any help you can offer. as long as it's not just substituting selfhelp for friends, which is what everyone else does. i do trust myself. not necessarily like behind the wheel of a car or around the wrong people or stuff like that, but i do trust myself, at least to keep myself safe enough, even though i throw myself into this playpen asking for help too much, but aside from that, i'm not untrustworthy, my mother raised me to be honest, to know the value of honesty, my drug addict uncle was a habitual liar, my mother thankfully raised me to be nothing like the rest of my family, so he was a good example/bad example, what not to be. so when it comes to honesty with myself, i don't know anyone better at it. it's something i value about myself, i know myself, i love myself, i'm fuckin awesome despite the wounds. but i do picture a better me i can't get to yet. i cannot do the 'one to ten' scale thing, especially when it comes to medical questions, but i would never deceive myself, i never have, i honestly can't even understand a mentality that can. and i've been around a lot. i've had friends of all kinds, multiple personalities are probably one of the biggest triggers for me. i've had friends into videogames and horror movies always trying to get me into their stuff but when it comes time to listen to a song i like, they're never anywhere to be found, and those are the types of friends i'm trying to keep out of my life. i'm not against strengthening myself.

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i appreciate you listening... about this crap. i am tired of repeating this crap, but... still helps having someone listen. thank you. i used to be a better listener, and intend to be again, but for now... i suck at listening, too much to say.

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i don't dismiss others struggles though. i do have compassion fatigue, but i do not dismiss others struggles. i know i'm not the only one suffering. i'm pretty far from a narcissist or anything like that.

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not a sociopath either, been around enough of them.

Sara

Sara Curley

That sounds like some pretty high self trust to me, and you’ve consistently mentioned a want to take action. 

I’m not one to set expectations around what results we may achieve together, yet there might be some potential. 

As part of my practice, one of the first steps I typically take is a free appointment, I call them alignment calls. 

They are there to see how well we click, to create clarity around what I do and it includes a minimum 30min session so you can experience it directly.

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i'm harmless, i have no intention of going postal, and with all the trauma so far, you'd think i would, but i watch too much news, and i refuse to be a statistic, especially when it seems like that's all this country wants from me, another time bomb.

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potential is one of my favorite words. along with "incentive" and "precipice".

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alignment is something else i'm out of.

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physically and otherwise.

Sara

Sara Curley

Precipice is a fun word to say 😅

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you're aware i'm on disability and can't afford crap. i'm hoping you're volunteering this or something. even though, i would absolutely pay for something like this if i could.

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wait till you get 'flibbetyflabbetyfloo' off your tongue.

Sara

Sara Curley

Yup this first call is a free call for certain, I also down to consider subsidizing a few session beyond that. 

Mainly, I want to make certain that I don’t waste your time

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i feel like a bloated goatfish.

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that's... i got a good time wasting gauge from all the previous experiences, so far you haven't wasted a second, you're more legit than ninety percent of the fortune cookies i've chewed through so far.

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for whatever that's worth.

Sara

Sara Curley

Wanna book a spot and make it more official?? 

You’ve sorta gotten a taste tonight of my approach to coaching.

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it's a healthy approach. i also have a compassion gauge. i do suck with scheduling and remembering, but i'm willing to do my best. i stay in my apartment all day every day, it's emotionally crippling to walk outside alone, so i'm usually here. i'm a morning person and can't sleep much, no appetite, and can't focus much, but yes, i'm open and ready for whatever. thank you.

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you'll get to know soon enough what my issues are, i'm not worried about that.

Sara

Sara Curley

Thank you 🙏 

        I typically will send a reminder the day of the appointment, and will follow up if you haven’t connect within 5mins or so.

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that's helpful.

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yeah, it's hard to get people to keep in mind my lack of coordination and focus. i also fight myself with a general unwillingness, the depression and hopelessness are often overwhelming, overpowering.

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a palpable weight to them.

Sara

With so many layers to the weights you carry, it’s understanding that it can be overwhelming at times

Sara

Booking page:

https://consciouslyconnecting-alignment.youcanbook.me/

Consciously Connecting - Alignment Call with Sara Curley

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s my booking link 

   If you aren’t comfortable on zoom, we can use Fb voice or video as well.

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uh... i might prefer farcebook video call, but i'm okay with zoom cause i use it for my caseworker... it's all a compromise right now, so i just deal with whatever i have to.

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if you can just walk me through it, tell me how to do it, i can do that.

Sara

Sara Curley

Yup I can help you connect with zoom, and walk through anything else

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now, okay, this is what i have trouble with, the visual aspect of it... i see a white page and just want to look away, i see numbers and get a headache, i have scroll, i just give up and close the window, and if anything pops up, oh, massive trigger. so... tell me what i have to do here please...

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what numbers am i looking for... what do i click...

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you're... if i'm seeing right, your sunday is open... sunday is best for me, least amount of distractions and crap...

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and... i'm in seattle, so if you wanna just pick a time, i'll click it.

Sara

Awesome I’m west coast as well 🙂

Sara

How about that 11am slot?

Sara

You mentioned you where a morning person :$

Sara

There is a bit of an info form next. (I think I’m gonna switch my background color based on your feed back mute it a bit more)

Sara

It’s a very short form, and all information remains private

Sara

And you won’t end up on a mailing list or text list

Sara

Sara Curley

If you don’t have a phone number, feel free to but in whatever.

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a short little reader's digest condensed version of my story... my life was destroyed summer twenty thirteen. i escaped that hell summer twenty fourteen. my mother died summer twenty fifteen, a year to the day after i left hell. i don't tell people where i'm from anymore, most i narrow down is arizona. got a plane to spokane, landed june first twenty fourteen, the reason i went up there, thanks to the mother of my children who for legal reasons i have to call goatroach, took nine days to fall apart, so i found myself homeless in spokane, had this revelation, decided if i'm rebuilding my life my way, i'm going to the big city, using my talents, while watching the spokane river at sunset, looking west, so i got to seattle august twenty fourteen to january twenty fifteen, went all around it, even spent the last week of january in bellingham, some dick security guard harassing me told me 'the people you're looking for are in portland', so i went down to portland, nope, spent february there, arrested twice for being homeless, cops said 'the people you're looking for are in san francisco', so i went there, nope, just being kicked down the coast like a piece of trash, but trying all the biggest talent cities and getting nothing from anyone except exclusion, around that time my mother died, so i decided, quit screwing around, go to cancer city, went to los angeles, miserable, so i got back to seattle may twenty sixteen, a year later spent a month in seattle jail for being homeless (they criminalize homelessness but can't say that, i'm no criminal, currently, no warrants, no record, not a weapon or drug person, trajectory is up, not down), been in seattle since, finally got an rv in january twenty nineteen, had to lose it just to get this apartment. good times.

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and yeah, i couldn't pay my phone bill this month, so it's currently off, and no alternative. just this stupid cheap slow laptop i need fixed urgently, the fan grinds so loud i can barely hear anything else. it's sad. clicking eleven am now...

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clicked. i put my phone number anyway. thank you for that. for this.

Sara

Thank you ozzy I got the notification from my service 🙂

Sara

Sara Curley

And thank you for allowing me this time with you

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if this ends up being worthwhile enough for me, once i'm stable, i can make it worth your effort. as long as you can be patient with me.

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aye, you're not wasting it. believe me, the thousands of people i've been through, i have my own standards and policy. heh.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m happy to hear that 😊 lol so many people don’t, or don’t enforce them for themselves

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i'm currently strengthening that particular will.

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i'm a total goofball doofus buffoon nurd by the way. fair warning. still working on a way to combine all those words into one. i'm also a nudist, i hope you don't mind that, but if you do, just let me know to be dressed. politely please. i do hate clothing, but i'm willing to compromise for now. beggers can't be choosers and all. i will crack jokes.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m gonna start up my nightly  bedtime routine, So I might become unresponsive.

With all that determination; ambition; and drive you’ve expressed tonight, I have some confidence we might begin to create some momentum for you.

Thank you for sharing that you are a nudist, I would request at least bottom please for the meeting

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i don't dance around in front of the camera like a pervert, but i do have to stand up here and there for back pain. go for it. thank you.

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momentum. another good word.

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understood. thank you.

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have an astonishing evening.

Sara

Sara Curley

Thank you very much Ozzy, I hope you sleep well tonight.

Mon 4:20 AM

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it's four am, i'm a morning person, i just woke up, and i can't sleep alone anyway, i can't eat alone, i can't walk alone, can't live alone, can't think alone, but thanks. i'm sure someone will care eventually, right?

Mon 5:36 AM

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i apologize for how cold that sounded, i didn't realize i sent that to you till just now. i think i thought i was sending that to someone in the trauma chat cause i was replying there too. anyway. good morning. i don't sleep well. i can't sleep more than a few hours. constantly too tensed up and worried and never feeling safe.

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and stressed and... in defense mode. defensive.

Mon 1:36 PM

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you alive?

Sara

Sara Curley

Yup working my day job

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when are you off?

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i can wait till then. i have a brilliant stupid idea i'm hoping you'll help with.

Sara

Sara Curley

Could we keep that available for out appointment perhaps? 

I have sessions after my done my day job with coaching clients tonight.

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no worries.

4:11 PM

Sara

Sara Curley

Hi Ozzy, have you heard of “the 4 agreements” ? I highly recommend reading it if you haven’t.

5:52 PM

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i don't read much, no, but i also recommend the fourth way by ouspensky.

6:51 PM

Sara

Sara Curley

Thanks, it seems really interesting - I’ll likely give it a read. 

I’m curious, how much do you try follow it’s teachings?

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oh, minimal, i'm not able to do much alone. at this point, i just know about it, and honestly, psychologically speaking, i prefer ouspensky and gurdjieff over freud and jung. they just make more sense to me. i'm trying to get to the point where i can implement at least some of it into my life, but i need people and help, i'm stuck where i'm at alone.

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gotten myself as far as i can get myself alone, but no one wants to understand that or accept that.

Sara

Sara Curley

May I offer an observation?

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sure.

Sara

Sara Curley

So far the biggest block that I perceive is self doubt. This is being externalized as this need to have others do all things things for you and that they must understand you.

They must show up in X manner. They must reciprocate in X way. These are all things I’d all interpretations or assumptions. 

This is also creating a barrier towards others being able to understand you, basically you don’t let them nor give them an opportunity to. 

For example; some of the questions I asked you in the group - it appeared that you where searching for what I might have wanted to hear or what those things meant to me - effectively avoiding actually responding to those questions from a place of yourself. You’d then choose to reiterate things you’ve shared repeatedly. 

People don’t understand you.

No one will make an effort.

Etc. 

If you are moving through life holding those beliefs within your divine trinity (mind, body, heart/spirit/soul) you are going to subconsciously create experiences to validate them.

Do you believe you can start to catch yourself and reframe one of those beliefs?

Sara

Sara Curley

Remember just because something happened in that past, is not proof that it will occur again and again in the future.

Sara

Sara Curley

Other external to you can certainly provide you assistance, especially regarding your physical challenges, yet unless you actually want to do the work nothing will change for you.

That work might include deeper therapy, (DBT or ACT might be super helpful for you) - and yes there are a ton of challenges around getting mental health support in the USA, yet it’s not impossible and there are services and options you can peruse to enable the aid you require.

Sara

I know people intimately who have been homeless, with have myriad mental health disorders, and who are living a life much closer to their desires.

Sara

Sara Curley

They’ve all told me they same thing. They had to take responsibility for themselves and do the work.

Sara

Sara Curley

(PS I dislike text for these types of things because you are missing my voice and full expression, I have so much empathy and compassion for you, and an honest desire to provide what support I might be able to you)

8:28 PM

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i am really really really so very sick and tired of people telling me that same old tired crap. everyone else can adhere to that ancient practice, i say it's outdated and overplayed. i feel defeated by it, violated by it. everyone has to tell me like i haven't heard it before. i feel suffocated by it, eclipsed by it. it's never going to stop happening to me, i'm powerless to get it to stop. i've heard that so much it's become a trigger for me, and people just will not stop telling me within the first few weeks of knowing me, like they can understand my whole bucket of problems that easily. that's why i don't feel understood, i'm up against that stupid oversized wall, and can't get anyone to pull me around it. i know you're trying to be positive and supportive, but it's more destructive than people realize, i just feel like it's toxic positivity, forced loneliness for the poor, a cheap excuse to not help, a copout, selfhelp pamphlet propaganda. it makes me hopeless knowing i'll never get around that overbearing obstacle. i know there's a new better way to do things and it requires more teamwork than people are currently willing to do. i've been fighting against that 'do it yourself' and 'no one will help you' mentality. that may not even really be what you're saying, that's what it sounds like to me through my hurricane of triggers and landmines. i'm physically disabled, so people who insist i stay alone, get comfortable being alone, do everything alone, by myself, run a company alone, they're being ableist. i do prefer video calls, as i don't feel understood in text either, the more i say, the more i lose and confuse people who aren't used to that many words, i love that about myself, that i'm verbose, longwinded, use too many words, that's my artform, constantly persecuted by people, 'you can't do that, shut up, you're dominating this space!', shaming me for having more to say, discriminating against me, with this anti-intellectual complaining, if all anyone ever tells you is what's wrong with you, and no one ever tells you what's good about you, what kind of person are they expecting you to be? this is one of the things no one understands about me, everyone loves being right. even the resources here just force independence on everyone, i have to tell them, i have no interest in independence, that to me just means loneliness, stay alone, you don't deserve friends or love, that's what that means to me, it's a bad word, a trigger. stability i do want, that's different, i want stability. i'm sick of being forced to be alone and do everything myself. people constantly act like if i need them to do one little thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, use my legs for me, run my company for me, without asking themselves, why would i want that? that's not realistic. society has what i call cry wolf syndrome, which means scream all you want, help hasn't been invented yet, it's just a bunch of dark ages of human compassion excuses and selfhelp pamphlets and fortune cookies and barbaric psychological practices that are no different from lobotomies and thorazine. i may be way ahead of my time, but i know there's a better way to help people. i would start the company that ends loneliness. but i have to do it all alone according to society's backward standards no one can oppose or stand against. dbt and act just will not work for me, i tried ceta therapy, it was so miserably bare minimum, it did nothing for me, i know what the others are, which is why i've come up with the idea of how i want to do it, the way i think it will work for me, despite what anyone else says, god forbid someone tries something new. i want to do a podcast to tell my story so i never have to repeat it again and so it might benefit others in similar situations, have someone basically interview me, an editor to piece it together in a sensible, linear fashion, unravel all the trauma the way i know it needs to be done, and for people to assume i don't want to do that work, that i want that done for me? why? why would i want that? how dumb do they think i am? there's a big difference between "FOR" and "WITH". wanting someone to do something WITH you is apparently illegal and unheard of! i'm constantly in defense mode, constantly feeling attacked by this kind of crap. it's an excuse for people to assume you don't want to fix yourself, or that they have to do all the work for you, they don't realize what a copout it is. they see no value in teamwork for healing people who can't heal themselves. that's about as politely as i can put that, i'm really trying hard not to sound to vicious or scathing about it. but i've heard that too many times in my life, that same exact thing, virtually verbatim. it's a fortune cookie to me. and when you say that i was dodging your questions, not answering honestly enough... this is farcebook, a source of trauma and bullying and disconnection and misunderstanding and hurtful misconceptions to me, i'm always way too guarded for my own comfort, and without someone on my side helping, standing up for me, representing me, advocating for me, doing some of the talking and explaining, i'm stuck in this hamster wheel wasting my life away instead of making progress and running my company. i cannot express what an agonizing nightmare hell this is for me with all the words in the world. and everyone just keeps insisting i do it alone, do it all alone, and despite that, i'm supposed to still see the good in people, assume the best of people, assume people really do care, when i see no proof, but rather too much proof to the contrary, i really wish i could believe it, i wish it were true. there's only so much i can do alone, i'm physically disabled, complex ptsd, severe depression, no friends or family, overcame a decade of homelessness, life destroyed and blamed on me, this is a ridiculous circus and how dare i see a better way. this is exhausting, draining, depleting, unchanging, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results, that's what society thinks sanity is. what you're not understanding when you say i'm dodging questions or not being honest, is that i'm struggling so much with my words, constantly fighting myself, this trainwreck of words, telling myself 'it doesn't matter, it's just the hamster wheel, you've done this thousands of times, it's never going to change and lead somewhere new, it does not matter, it's the consistency with which this shit keeps happening, people say it doesn't mean it'll happen again, they're not even paying enough attention to see, caring enough, sticking around long enough to see it keep happening, no one's here right now to witness this, every time this happens to me. have you ever been stuck in a loop like that? has no one ever told you something you've already heard, assuming you haven't heard it yet? does this happen to no one else, and if not, what does that say about this situation that no one else is seeing? a vicious cycle and 'just get yourself out of it whether you're disabled or traumatized or abused or uncoordinated or whatever''. when does this end? when do we invent something better? does this really work for everyone else, and it's just me who's rejecting this. is it wrong that i have my own philosophy? is it wrong that i've already basically invented a new way and no one will even consider it? what exactly is considered right and wrong anymore, if i think all of society is wrong? especially about how we treat the poor, and give them the bare minimum hoping it'll inspire harder work, what if i had no legs? what if i had downs syndrome? what about people with autism or cerebral palsy or parkinson's? there's no such thing as caregivers and advocates and volunteers and companions and grants and donations and mentors, poor people can't afford any of that, can't even work for it, so we're just doomed, right? should disabled people just do the world a favor and roll into a volcano? does no one else see how heartless that sounds to someone begging and pleading for legitimate compassionate help? can you understand, i know that may not be what you're saying, but that's how it sounds to me? can you understand how i struggle so much with my words, not knowing what matters and what doesn't? what to hold back, and what to reveal, and wondering if it will matter, if they will care enough to stick around and remember that about me, accept me as i am, or be like every other friend i've had and just insist i be like everyone else, condemning and shaming my uniqueness, but also being hypocrites because not only can i not do that, but they blame me for it as if i do it constantly, which is basically projecting on me, and i had to learn the hard way that my family was all too good at projection, they actually started to make me believe i was the problem until i had a psychiatrist finally tell me, 'it's not you, it's them, you are not insane, you are not delusional' when i'm in the middle of a tearful rant about my mother calling me delusional, had to interrupt me, scream at me, point at me to stick that into my... overloaded, shaking, tensed up... i cannot express the level of agony and... words fail me... my head. my hopeless, broken head. my heart. so i'd say, you have to show proof, you can't just say this stuff. people have to stop assuming i haven't heard this before. i ache to hear something i don't know, to see anything out of the ordinary. that's me, that's my whole thing. that's who i am and what i love about myself, i defy society at any cost. call me an alien from the future, that's what i feel like, way ahead of my time always feeling like i missed a bus. like i'm in the dark ages. i really hope this is a good enough answer to that whole inquiry thing. i'm doing this alone. if i had anyone helping me right now, this answer would be a lot better. i have to defend myself against this wall of ancient crap constantly and cannot get around it. i'm forty four, after a decade of homelessness, and i'm still in this same spot. society just demanding i walk backward because that's the way it's always been done. there's so much i still don't feel safe even telling anyone, and the few times i've tried, people get scared, intimidated, and run off. i'm telling the truth, i haven't had a quality connection in a decade, so... i really fail to understand how or why i'm supposed to act like it's a familiar thing for me. or that i'm supposed to act undamaged just to get it, so i don't scare people with my wounds. people are assuming i want normal happy people in my life and that i'm not allowed to want people like me, that people like me don't exist, normal people have always made unique people feel that way, ostracized, scapegoated, outcast. and they claim no accountability for that, they get away with it. but the truth is, i'm nothing like normal people and i think they're boring. there's no way i'd ever be like them, that other lady even said i "weaponize my uniqueness" like that's a bad thing, effectively shaming me with her unsolicited diagnosis, assuming i want that or need that and haven't heard it yet. no one realizes how this is all the same thing for me, it's happened before, this hamster wheel wants to be deceptively original and have news and new stuff, but it's the same old hamster wheel to me. no matter how many times i explain this, i'm just gonna have to do it again tomorrow, and then people say 'well if you're stuck in that mindset, that's all that's gonna happen for you'. so encouraging. when what they could say is 'hey, man, that's brutal, let's stand you up, dust you off... there's a video on youtoob i've asked several therapists to discuss with me, called complex trauma by diane langberg, they will not watch it, no one has yet out of several. this is so futile, pointless. saying this now will not end this cycle. it's most likely just going to scare you off, and there's still so much i can't even say yet that would clarify this, but scare you off more. this is all that happens, and i'm supposed to expect change, i'm begging for change, i am the change i want to see in the world, what does that matter if it only matters to me and no one else? will i ever be heard on this and understood, and will anyone ever agree with me enough to say 'hey, yeah, perhaps we could reexamine this whole mental health thing here cause obviously what we're doing isn't working for everyone'. do you think that will happen? when? people call this an observation. i don't feel observed, i feel obscured, overlooked, mistaken for something else, stuffed back into the same old mold, who i am judged like a book by its cover and denied, rejected, stamped, stomped, assimilated, packaged, manufactured, sold as something i'm not. when i was a kid, i saw pink floyd the wall the movie. that assembly line scene stuck with me. and no one else has seen it. if they had, would they understand me any better? i do appreciate your effort, don't think i don't. i'm being as nice as i can and suppressing the triggers and rage. does this answer your question well enough? can you understand this? or does it just add to the... confusion, misconceptions, misunderstandings...?

You sent

i call that my patented wall of text rant formula. no one else does that. which is just one reason i love doing that. i want that appreciated some day, not just constantly complained about. "i can't read that much!". i even tell people to put it in a text reader, at least it's spelled right and well written. but... no... very few people have done anything but shame me for that. and i know i'm supposed to keep this sunny disposition thinking someday it will change, someone will surprise me.

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you asked, do i believe i can start to catch myself and reframe one of those beliefs... i have a thing about beliefs. nineteen ninety six, tool released their aenima album, in the liner notes, this paragraph thing ended by saying 'beliefs are dangerous, beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning, a nonfunctioning mind is clinically dead, believe in nothing', that stuck with me, i don't have beliefs, ideas are a lot easier to change. that being said, the "belief" you're referring to, is that people not understanding me, if i have that belief, i'll create things that validate them... that's just one way to look at it, and to me, it's basically glossing over it, ignoring the root cause of a different problem. this loneliness needs to stop, and the indoctrination reinforcing the loneliness needs to stop, and society needs to grow out of that classist ableist mentality that poor people just don't deserve help. and we need to stop thinking that opinions are facts.

You sent

just because people have to do these tedious mundane normal things for me i don't want to do and no longer have the emotional capacity to do, doesn't mean i want anyone doing the creative productive progressive stuff that i've been wanting to do most my life and haven't been able to do because i've been suffocated and drowned in this stupid tedious trivial shit of just fucking survival, barely survival. paperwork, phone calls, emails, links, signing up for crap, verifying my humanity to a machine every five minutes, enter the codes, find the traffic lights and cows, this is not what i want to do, i want to hire someone else to do this crap, so that i can focus my efforts on productivity, creativity, art, science, tech. i'm suffocated by poverty and loneliness, i need people around me, i need to run a company, i need legitimate compassionate unrestricted help. and no one will even prove to themselves whether it actually exists or not, let alone figure out what that says and what they should do about it. and it's all on me. no one else can do this. no one else can start the company that ends loneliness. i've had too many people tell me 'i prefer being alone', the last thing i want to hear from anyone, and i want people who hate being alone in my life, they're unicorns, so even just that little statement has become a serious trigger for me, taking me back to that hallway train chain line of every time it's happened.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

I understand this fine. 

   And it’s filled with the same interpretations and assumptions that you’ve been repeating.

I’m not saying you did to do it alone. I’m that unless your able to take responsibility for your part in your circumstances than regardless of the support others offer you there won’t be any change. 

Even with support, it’s all up to you. 

No one can get you around that obstacle within your psyche other than yourself. 

Others can attempt to guide you, and offer what they are able, yet are you able to see it? 

Regardless of what tool says, it’s not a Truth.

What is a truth is that our embodied beliefs, what we constantly repeat to ourselves and others effects everything regarding our experience of the world

You sent

everyone else can do shit the old standard way. i'm desperately trying to create my own way, pave my own path, and society just refuses to let me.

Sara

Sara Curley

You hold a belief that people can’t understanding you. You carry that belief deeply. It’s shown in all our interactions so far.

Can you pause, when you hear yourself start to speak to yourself and others from that belief?

You sent

see, you're still trying to put it all on me, and that's exactly what i'm saying is bullshit and i'm sick of hearing it doesn't help me. it helps no one.

Sara

Sara Curley

No I’m not

You sent

so if this won't stop happening to me, should i just put myself in the ground?

Sara

I’m asking you to work with me.

Sara

Yet you won’t

Sara

Sara Curley

You make excuses and put everything outside yourself

You sent

the obstacle is not within my psyche, it's society! why can't anyone understand that.

Sara

What do you actually have control over?

Sara

Sara Curley

Can you or me control society?

You sent

i make excuses, sure, but society doesn't? they can constantly point out and overpolice and overpunish me, but take no accountability for people suffering themselves?

You sent

this same argument is getting me no closer to people.

Sara

Nope.

I can control me, my perceptives, and my thoughts, and my beliefs

Sara

Same as you

Sara

So take action within the realms of your control

Sara

Has the world ever been “fair”?

Sara

Sara Curley

Is the natural world fair?

You sent

you're still assuming i want everyone to do everything for me and i've already told you you're wrong about that. man, i hate this shit, i used to type eighty words a minute now i fuck that backspace key into oblivion and never get paid for this shit let alone any recognition or anyone remembering or sticking around, why do i keep doing this! being understood is no longer a priority, it's a waste of my life!

You sent

you're just going to keep preaching that i'm wrong, you're not going to change your mind to accept me possibly being different.

Sara

Great than reframe that belief perhaps from “people don’t understand me” 

To “I’m living my own authentic life”

Sara

Sara Curley

The words we use are spells, they are a reflecting of our internal experience

You sent

What is a truth is that our embodied beliefs, what we constantly repeat to ourselves and others effects everything regarding our experience of the world... i do not have to agree with this! this is not a truth! it's an ancient propaganda weapon made to keep the poor suffering! how can you not see that! how can no one see that! when does this stop happening to me!

You sent

how do i defeat this goliath of a fuckin barbaric monster!

You sent

i'm still saying, you can't just tell me this shit, you have to show proof. proof. proof!

Sara

Sara Curley

I’ve never said you are wrong. Nor am do I hold judgement regarding your choices. They are yours, you may choose all those as you wish.

You sent

society won't let me control myself, that's what you're failing to understand!

Sara replied to you

Because I know I’m my deepest parts that it’s a Truth of our human experience.

Sara

Why not be open to more perspectives?

Sara

Sara Curley

Even the book you recommended to me; you made externalized why you can’t practice some of its teachings

You sent

now you're going to say like everyone else does that i'm not open to more perspectives or enough perspectives, hypocritically ignoring the fact that no one's open to mine.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m open to yours.

You sent

because i'm alone.

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how much am i really expected to do alone when i cannot do anything alone anymore.

You sent

loneliness has destroyed everything i loved about myself. but keep being alone! that's all you can afford you piece of shit!

Sara

Sara Curley

Being open doesn’t mean agreement, and from the knowledge and experience I have I have a lot of proof, that the opinions and perspectives you hold are not universal Truths.

They are your truths certainly.

You sent

then why does society keep insisting i'm not allowed to have them.

You sent

and forcing theirs on me.

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s black and white thinking; the world is a billion shades of grey

You sent

okay. now you're just telling me what every other therapist has told me, and it still doesn't make it true about me!

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i told a therapist when she said that, that's it's hard to see colour in a black and white world.

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i am the color and my color is relentlessly being snuffed out and shamed.

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that needs to stop.

Sara

Sara Curley

The world isn’t black and white. 

It’s filled with myriad colors, myriad perspectives, and myriad experiences

You sent

you can think that all you want, i don't have to agree.

You sent

that's not the key to curing my loneliness, this is trivial shit.

You sent

this is getting me no closer to people.

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this is just triggering me, frustrating me, and making me want to die.

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and it will not stop.

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this same shit. like i haven't been through it a billion times already.

You sent

how is this going to make me a friend, a genuine quality connection?

Sara

Has what you been doing so far working? Why not try something else?

Sara

Sara Curley

Just try it 🤷‍♀️

You sent

i'm forty four, and have to waste another decade making myself good enough to deserve a friend, instead of getting a friend to inspire me to be good enough or at least a better me that i want to be and not what everyone else expects me to be.

You sent

nothing is going to work. i told you what i want to do. my podcast. no one wants to do that because 'why not try something ancient that everyone else does!'.

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mutherfuck, man. am i being understood on this one stupid trivial little bullshit point yet? this is getting me no closer to connection!!!

Sara

Sara Curley

If it’s something you want to do, why not do it?

You sent

this is just making me fucking suicidal, and no one cares. this will not stop.

Sara

Sara Curley

I care, else I wouldn’t be engaging with you

You sent

because i have to do it alone!!! i have no one to do it with and cannot find those people and no one can help me find those people no one knows how!!!

You sent

fuck, time number eight billion i've repeated that sentence, for no reason.

Sara

Sara Curley

What is something you can do to meet people within the area of interests that you desire support with for your pod cast?

You sent

i want to put my head through a fucking wall, i want to tear my heart out and throw it in the fuckin street. this is such a nightmare.

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if i knew that, i'd be there.

You sent

this is as far as i could get myself alone. why can't anyone understand that and just accept it.

Sara

Sara Curley

Where might you be able to meet technical minded folks?

You sent

how much am i expected to do alone.

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i have no clue, no idea, no one will tell me, no one knows, i've asked too many people to remember a damn thing anyone said.

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i'm tired of hearing from thousands of people 'i don't know anything about that!'. that's another discouraging trigger.

You sent

and it will not stop happening. you ever see groundhog day? bill murray?

Sara

A big part of my practice is enabling the wisdom my clients carry within them.

Sara

I deeply believe that you do know the solutions and what to do to enable your desires. 

Currently it’s buried behind the beliefs and adaptations youve taken on from your trauma

Sara

Sara Curley

So how might we be able to release those beliefs?

Sara

And if you just want someone to tell you what to do - here’s some things to try.

Find a Facebook group, forum, or other community dedicated to podcast development.

Sara

Sara Curley

You’ll need to develop your own connections, that not something anyone else can ever do for you.

You sent

meet people who share my interests, let's see, what all have i done. i saw slayer, walked up to strangers alone which is crippling for me, but i fucking did it anyway, telling them i wanna start a metal band, did that work? i tried going to open mics alone which i absolutely cannot do for so many reasons, did that work? i stood outside of places just trying to build up the courage to go in alone, let alone thinking of something to say or how to say it without sounding insane or going through this shit again. i traveled this coast, seattle, portland, san francisco, los angeles, being kicked down the coast from city to city like a piece of trash, 'oh the people you're looking for are down there', i sat with the rainbow family in golden gate park, that didn't work, i've tried metalheads in all these cities, psychedelic people in all these cities, nudists, nude beaches, kinky people, kinky websites, groups, parks, the internet, every website and platform i was capable of getting into, i've tried finding other atheist people and groups, i've tried asking my neighbors since i got housed, i've been through valley cities, healthpoint sunset, sound mental health twice, salvation army, facinghomelessness, catholic charities, catholic community services, two one one, nine eight eight, crisis connections, called thirty churches in my area in one day, i've tried everyting i could fucking think of and it wasn't enough, i've invested time and effort i didn't have in friendships to have it not reciprocated, i'm a psychedelic nudist atheist metalhead, discriminated against, bullied, abused, shamed for all of those by the opposite, religious people, clothing addicts, paranoid narcissists, multiple personalities, misinformed misled indoctrinated idiots, an ocean of the wrong people, even the people who i shared even one interest with had to be so selfobsessed and always "too busy, too busy, too busy", all my friends, i had to get into their interests, stupid shit like videogames, rap music, shit i hated, wrestling, dumb shit, but when it came time to listen to a song i like, a trail of smoke appears, and that's all my fault, that's all on me, i chose the wrong people and no one even knows my kind of people exist, yeah, keep doing the same shit repeatedly expecting different results! you poor stupid loser! you lazy failure! that's encouraging and supportive from people i'm supposed to be friends with, right? people who are worth my time? that's those people, right? i can't find any unaddicted psychedelic people, or metalheads or atheists or nudists or sexual people, they don't exist! especially someone who shares all four with me, and hates money and tradition like i do, and superstition and "luck" who needs people with all this luck going around? i'm supposed to keep doing this same thing repeatedly, looking for my kind of people, expecting to suddenly find some who can't reach out to me cause i have to keep doing all the reaching out and no one else can, yeah, those are people i want in my life! that's the best i'm ever gonna get, and no one can help me find my kind of quality people and they sure as fuck aren't looking for me! they might have found me by now!

Sara

Sara Curley

Once you find the group. 

  Just do a simple post.

“I’m looking for someone in the Seattle area that’s tech savvy and can help me in that capacity for a podcast I’d like to develop”

You sent

so that's just a small glimpse, tell me what i haven't done yet, what i haven't tried yet, and that i still have to keep doing it all alone when i no longer have the capacity or coordination or strength.

You sent

you really want to keep assuming i haven't tried that yet? and insisting i do it alone instead of posting for me and helping?

Sara

Sara Curley

The externalization of fault on to others is a trauma response. 

How might you be able to

Release that?

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

I assumed nothing, I just offered the advice I have available to me as you’ve continued to state you need someone to pull you around your wall.

You sent

you're not enabling my wisdom, you're condemning it. i'm pounding this stupid keyboard and not getting paid, i'm getting nowhere, stuck in the hamster wheel no one else can see. i have to enable my own desires, thanks humanity. i have no beliefs, but keep telling me i do, maybe someday you'll be right. but there's no healing this trauma, and i have to do it myself, alone, with no actual help. like i don't already know that. i can fight against it all i want, but i'll die alone. how might we be able to release those beliefs? by realizing and admitting that they aren't beliefs! for starters? and i want someone to tell me what to do, yeah, that's what i want. sure. no, i don't want anyone telling me what to do, i want someone proving it can be done first. proving to themselves, not me. find farcebook groups, yeah, haven't thought of that yet. why don't you find my posts before assuming i haven't? why don't you see the lack of comments and responses and bullying and see what i've dealt with before you before making that hurtful assumption? i have no coordination with the internet, i'm taking a sabbatical from it, i would hire someone to do this shit for me in a heartbeat if i knew how. no one knows how, i've asked! even libraries! no one fucking knows anything! find that out for yourself before telling me! and finally, "you'll need to develop your own connections, that's not something anyone else can do for you". then why should i keep trying? should i just give up and put myself in the fucking ground before i have to hit backspace one more fuckin time!? when do people start helping those who CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES!!! do we even exist!!!

You sent

does my life matter or not?

You replied to Sara

i'm supposed to fix it alone because no one can help, right? do everything myself give up on making connections and die alone, right?

Sara

Look at the billion podcasts out there isn’t that proof it can be done?

Sara

Sara Curley

“No one can help me” 

  That’s an assumption that you are holding as an embodied belief.

You sent

tell me why i shouldn't just kill myself to stop this stupid hamster wheel bullshit right now! i've told a billion people i don't want advice, it's unsolicited advice that gets me no closer to the help i need, rather keeps me away from it and wastes my time, and no one cares about that! no one cares!

You sent

you're not understanding why i'm saying no one can help me, it's not me saying that, it's them! stop blaming me for it!

Sara

Sara Curley

And you enable that belief to hold power over you by the rationalizing that you do regarding society

You sent

i enable no belief! stop saying that shit!

You sent

do you proofread at all?

Sara

Sara Curley

You don’t want advice; you don’t want to take actions for yourself, you just want others to support you?

You sent

how can i be spelling better than you, and i'm on the shit end of this stick?

Sara

Sara Curley

Why does that matter?

You sent

why is that what you got out of this?

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is that seriously what you think i said this whole time?

Sara

Sara Curley

It’s a clarify question.

You sent

you have no clue how many times i've been through exactly this right here!

Sara

Sara Curley

Why do you think you continue to find yourself in these moments?

You sent

do you even care how much you're triggering me with this shit?

You sent

because society refuses to change.

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they blame it all on me because they'll never take accountability, it's never society, it's always the scapegoat's fault.

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i'd rather die killing that concept rather than live perpetuating it.

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but society just can't stop forcing it on me.

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do you care that this makes me suicidal?

You sent

do you think this is getting me any closer to help or helping me at all?

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m sorry Ozzy, I’m not gonna be able to support you in any professional manner.

I can attempt to be your friend, my boundaries with my friends is for them not to attempt to manipulate me or insult me.

You sent

boundaries, there's that fuckin word again, read the post on my profile about boundaries please.

Sara

Sara Curley

If Im insulted or attempted to be manipulated I’ll no longer engage with you.

You sent

i'm not manipulating or insulting you, you're doing that to me, don't project what you're doing onto me and blame me for it like everyone else does! why don't you take a little responsibility for how you're making me feel?

You sent

what about what you're doing to me?

Sara

Sara Curley

Boundaries are an important aspect of my life and how I choose to live it. Thank you.

You sent

do you really not care that you're making me suicidal?

You sent

read my post about boundaries please!

You sent

you are not understanding me, you're just arguing and forcing a barbaric philosophy on me i don't want.

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and you won't stop, you refuse to accept mine.

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this is really hurting me and upsetting me.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m not forcing or arguing. I’m sharing my perspective.

You sent

does that matter to you at all?

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s something that friends do.

You sent

what part of my perspective have you heard?

Sara

Sara Curley

All of it.

You sent

really.

Sara

Sara Curley

Yup.

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like what?

Sara

Sara Curley

Which aspect? How much am I able to distill what you’ve shared without it being taken as proof of that I didn’t?

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that's the big question, isn't it.

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just tell me what four words best describe me or define me.

Sara

Sara Curley

Victim of society.

You sent

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff. try again.

You sent

four words. four definitive words.

Sara

Sara Curley

Depressed, lonely, misunderstood, disabled.

You sent

nope.

You sent

come on, man.

Sara

Those are all words you’ve used to describe yourself.

Sara

What 4 words would you use?

Sara

Sara Curley

You’ll need to send me a link to the post you wrote on boundaries. I haven’t been able to locate it on your profiles

You sent

PSYCHEDELIC NUDIST ATHEIST METALHEAD!!! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! PSYCHEDELIC!!! MEANING UNADDICTED!!! NUDIST!!! MEANING NOT ADDICTED TO CLOTHING EITHER!!! ATHEIST, MEANING NOT ADDICTED TO RELIGION AND DOGMA AND TRADITION AND SUPERSTITION!!! METALHEAD, MEANING ROGUE, DEFIANT, OUTCAST, ANGRY, NOT IN DENIAL OF ANGER!!! PSYCHEDELIC NUDIST ATHEIST METALHEAD!!! OFFENSIVELY UNIQUE!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU???!!!

You sent

i'm so tired of so many people using the word "boundaries" so much. everyone else's "boundaries" only serve to lock me out, excuses of why they can't accept me or touch me or love me. at least that's how it feels to me when it happens so much, and i have minimal love to compare it to or contrast. at the same time, no one respects my boundaries. whereas most people want sex kept out of their lives and far away from them, i want the opposite of that, i want the lack of sex kept out of my life, i refuse to be shamed into living a boring life, and that doesn't matter to anyone. and they have every excuse to justify even that. i want crippling loneliness and crushing rejection kept out of my life, those are my boundaries, i want pseudointellectual antiintellectual armchair psychologists who think they know me so well and can diagnose me and suffocate me with unsolicited advice constantly and think they're always right especially about me, i want that crap kept out of my life, that's one of my boundaries that people always violate, consistently, and i'm powerless to stop it, i'm stuck going through these repeats, the same stupid trivial elementary shit every day, people constantly shitting on me for every little thing about me they think is wrong. if you're all really gonna keep bitching about boundaries and being hypocrites about it and getting away with it, fuck you and fuck your boundaries.

Sara

Sara Curley

That you are do psycadelics, that you don’t wear clothes, that you don’t believe in a god or a higher power, and that you like metal music.

You sent

okay, now translate that through society's 'you have to be normal like the rest of us' filter.

Sara

Sara Curley

Sara unsent a message

Sara

Sara Curley

I don’t think I can.

I view all those things as normal, and a large segment of those within my orbit do as well.

You sent

but you won't send them to me? or even tell them about me?

Sara

Sara Curley

And really those are just things you do and like. 

They don’t tell me anything about you as a person.

You sent

when that's the one big thing i've needed for two decades, a little assistance.

You replied to Sara

wow. gee, thanks, that's so encouraging. what i love about myself is irrelevant.

Sara

Sara Curley

I didn’t say they are irrelevant. I said they are things you do, and not who you are.

You sent

you can believe that all you want, doesn't make it true.

You sent

so what are you expecting me to say to answer that, to tell you who i am, what are you hoping to hear?

Sara

Sara Curley

So you are the things you do?

You sent

why can i not be?

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

It’s wasn’t a question?

You sent

why is it so wrong and unacceptable and unheard of?

Sara

Sara Curley

It’s not any of those things at all.

You sent

sure feels that way.

Sara

Sara Curley

If you wish to identify as the things that you do you are more than welcome to. Many many folks do.

You sent

did you read the boundaries post yet?

You sent

could you stop making it sound like a bad thing then?

You sent

like i'm crazy to "identify as the things i do"?

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

What you are describing isn’t boundaries. It’s desire to control the world external to you.

Boundaries tell people how you like or don’t like to be approached, and what you will do if they chose not to honor them.

You sent

wow. who told you that?

You sent

cause i don't think you understood that paragraph at all.

Sara replied to you

You are projecting a tone or belief into my words. 

How might I be able rephrase things so that my non-judgment is clear.

Sara

This is an example of a boundary:

If someone calls me names or attacks me verbally, than I will disengage from the conversation. 

This is control:

You need to do X or I’ll C

Sara

Sara Curley

Perhaps a specific example of a boundary for you would be:

If I’m offered unsolicited advice, I’ll disengage from the conversation.

You sent

now there's a disarming question finally. thank you for that. i'll take a moment to appreciate that and let my triggers calm down. even though that statement is still rather erroneous, i'll overlook that and try to answer it honestly and respectfully. i'm projecting a tone or belief into your words. no, i really don't think i am. i'd love to understand how i am, but i also don't think it matters. how might you rephrase that statement to sound less judgmental?... hmm... identifying as the things i do... uh... you could just do what i asked in the first place and let it go, don't make it sound like i'm weird or crazy for doing that. when have i ever said "you have to do", go ahead and highlight it and show it to me. i'm not attacking you, you're attacking me, stop projecting and blaming me, you're crossing that boundary and manipulating me, i'm not giving you any advice, i never do, that's not me, i hate advice, i'm defending myself, explaining myself, repeating myself as usual, i've done this enough times to know what i'm doing and not doing, i don't need to be told what i'm doing. the difference in what you just said, i don't have a choice to disengage from the conversations, i'm too desperate to make a connection. despite the number of bullies i've blocked and pushed away. do you see yet how you're retraumatizing me by taking me through this same shit again? can you see yet how you're not accepting the fact that i can have my own philosophy apart from society's?

Sara

Sara Curley

here is another of my personal boundaries: 

I invite respectful conversations where both of parties may share perspectives, if the other choose to attack or become hostile regarding my perspectives that I shared, I Will disengage from the conversation.

You sent

don't confuse my defensiveness with hostility.

Sara

Sara Curley

I can’t share an example with out you taking it personal. I’ll make note of that.

You sent

no part of this is enjoyable for me. this has been one big trigger for me. i feel like my boundaries have been violated.

You sent

how is this getting me any closer to connection?

You sent

how is this supposed to help me?

Sara

Sara Curley

I don’t know? 

I stopped trying to coach you and have just been trying to get to know you to see if we are compatible as friends since I stated I can’t support you from a professional perspective.

You sent

okay then. friends we can be.

You sent

please don't take me down this road again, hopefully you got your answers.

You sent

i was really really triggered by all of that, i'm still really upset and shaking, that was not fun for me.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m feeling that the difference in our beliefs and world views may result in further triggered moment, I’m curious what you think?

You sent

i feel like "coaching me" just means "coaching me back into that stupid old mold i want nothing to do with against my will".

Sara

Sara Curley

Sharing observations isn’t really coaching

You sent

as long as it's not this shit again, i'll suppress my triggers the best i can.

You replied to Sara

i would not disagree with that.

You sent

doesn't negate how i feel though.

Sara

Sara Curley

We weren’t getting anywhere with actual coaching.. just spinning in circles

You sent

which is usually the case with me, but people keep trying thinking they'll be the first to succeed.

Sara

I don’t enjoy spinning in circles, it’s why I chose to become a coach and not a therapist

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m all about movement, action and self empowerment. 

Which is basically what coaching is all about.

You sent

if you weren't trying to coach me back into that box, and instead, tried to recognize and appreciate the direction i would like to be coached in, perhaps you could try again eventually.

You sent

i don't want selfempowerment, i want progress, stability, productivity.

Sara

I was trying to coach you whereever you wanted to go? I had no direction other than yours. (Which is another aspect of coaching)

Sara

Sara Curley

From my perspective you just wanted to keep in the circle

You sent

it truly did not feel that way to me. i'm trying to tell you that it felt like you were just trying to stuff me back into that box like everyone else does.

You sent

no, i do not want to stay in this hamster wheel.

Sara

I totally understand that, and Honestly I do with I could help ya get out of it. 

Just doesn’t feel like coaching is the way for you eh!

Sara

Sara Curley

Oops ! Was spose to be ?

You sent

i just want people, i don't want to get out of it alone, i don't want to be forced to do anything alone, forced to believe no one will help or care about me until i'm out of it and good enough for them. no one even wants to be good enough for me, no one cares enough.

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s the trauma talking dude..

You sent

people is all i want. people is all i need. people is my currency.

Sara

Sara Curley

Not the “I want people part”

You sent

boy. okay. i'll pretend to believe that for now.

Sara

Sara Curley

But the rest of it..

You sent

how is that the trauma talking, explain that to me.

Sara

Sara Curley

The belief that you are being forced to do anything a certain way

You sent

i'm delusional and that's obviously not the reality i've been trying to convey to people for two fucking decades now.

You sent

so you're saying i'm not? being forced to do things a certain way? can you prove that?

You sent

does it even matter if i disagree?

Sara

Who is forcing you to believe no one cares? (And don’t use your avoidant strategy of blaming society, I’m so over it)

Sara

Sara Curley

Don’t get me wroung, society is fucked.

You sent

i have proof, in the form of screenshots, blogposts, even videos.

Sara

Sara Curley

None of that dictate the future

You sent

bullying, degradation, condescension, ostracism, condemnation, a thesaurus of synonyms i could throw around the planet, it would make no difference.

Sara

Sara Curley

And regardless if you see it or not - I’m some stranger that does care 🤷‍♀️

You sent

again, you need to prove that statement.

You replied to Sara

prove this.

Sara replied to you

Anything else impossible to prove you wanna throw at me while your at it? 

Past does not dictate the future. 

Doing the same shit over and over again.. that dictates your future

Sara

Sara Curley

We Gotta be able to see what pattern are getting in the way of our desire and let them go -else we do create a future that a repeat of the past.

You sent

i don't know if you care about this, but i'm sitting here naked in my recliner with my laptop in front of me, sitting in a very unhealthy position, cannot relax my muscles, extremely stiff and tensed up and shaking and triggered, which i cannot change, i cannot relax, nothing in this apartment is comforting for me. if it's impossible to prove, then why say it? when people say past does not dictate the future, i see no proof of that being true. i see everyone not learning from history. if my only option because of poverty and loneliness is to do the same shit repeatedly alone, by myself with no help... how am i supposed to get out of this hamster wheel vicious cycle of nonsense and social quicksand nightmare agony hell? do i just stumble to the left?

Sara

Sara Curley

Radical self accountability is my jam.

You sent

why is it only on each individual to recover from that hamster wheel vicious cycle, why can we not invent a company that helps people who cannot do that themselves no matter how much society insists they do?

Sara

Sara Curley

Can I give some advice to help your nerves maybe?

You sent

radical societal accountability is my jam.

You sent

let's see what this is, sure, why not.

Sara replied to you

Yeah I can’t control society so honestly I don’t really give it my energy. I’m dev aware of what’s going on, yet it’s not really my problem to deal with.. so I choose to try to be a role model for the future I’d like to see

Sara

Sara Curley

Have you tried box breathing before?? 

Breath in; hold for 4 seconds, breath out hold for 4 seconds; repeat at least 4 or 5 rounds

You sent

you really think i haven't head of that yet?

Sara

Sara Curley

Oh you’ve likely heard about it. It’s all over polyvagal shit

You sent

heard.

Sara

Sara Curley

It works for most

You sent

then why would you tell me?

Sara

Sara Curley

why not?

You sent

what works for most, i reject with a passion, that's the person you're talking to.

Sara

Sara Curley

Your stated you are in an activated state, it’s common not to be able to bring those tools to mind in those states.

Sara replied to you

Why?

Sara

Breath work is fucking dope lol

Sara

I was resistance as fuck to it initially.

Sara

It blow my mind at how effective it was when I began to released the shit ton of anxiety I used to live daily with

Sara

Since I’ve dropped my profession aspect off, I’ll share somethings about me and what I do or practice.

Sara

I’m a non-dualist

Sara

There is no right or wrong - good or bad - there is only a way

Sara

Sometimes that way moves us towards what we desire, some time that way fucks shit up and we gotta pivot

Sara

Sara Curley

I also value life and love, so my way is one that tries to express that

You sent

how is it supposed to make a friend appear by my side? how is it supposed to end this suffocating loneliness? you have yet to answer that. do you care that this is making me suicidal? you didn't answer that either. does this make you feel bad at all that you're doing this to me again, when i've been through this a billion times? can you answer all these questions please? or pretend like they matter to you? i fail to understand how breathing, meditating, medicating or any of this crap, these substitutions for friends are supposed to get real friends into my life. they're only supposed to make me good enough for friends, simultaneously telling me i'm not good enough the way i am, i have to get better to deserve a friend, and no one thinks that's wrong. who doesn't value life and love? i have no love to value and i still value it. are you understanding any of this yet? because i really do not feel understood yet. i seriously feel like the only way out of this shit is suicide. it's the only option society leaves me with because they refuse to help or figure out what help even means. does this mean anything to you?

Sara

Sara Curley

I dislike lables yet they serve so choose to use then some of the lables I toss at myself “I’m a queer trans woman of First Nations decent”

You sent

i did not understand that one. at all.

Sara

Okay imma take one question at a time for the replies; I want to do my best not to miss any

Sara

Sara Curley

How did it end loneliness for me? It allowed me to see how EVERYTHING in interconnected. 

I’m never lonely because I know the whole entirety of existence is within me.

You sent

i'm so tired of hearing so many people say that same thing to me. everyone else can be comfortable being alone, and the more i hear it, the more i want to die.

Sara

Sara Curley

I do care that you are suicidal, it’s why I chose to engage with you and see if I could help you.

Sara replied to you

I’ve been there; it’s a shitty  place to be in. 

Fuck just reflecting on it I can feel how dark and limited my perspectives and the world around me become.

Sara

Sara Curley

Meditating, breathwork, etc - they are just tools imho to remain with a centered space.

You sent

so if i'm the only person in the world they do nothing for, i should just obliterate myself, right? that still doesn't tell me how they're supposed to END MY LONELINESS!!! they're just bandaids for a massive bleeding chest cavity.

Sara

Sara Curley

My path; was to go deep deep deep inside myself and reframe or release the stories, beliefs, assumptions, and interpretations I was making of things.

Those tools helped me be able to really be radically self accountable.

You sent

and if i have no interest in that?

Sara

🤷‍♀️

Sara

Most therapeutic practices are basically the same shit. 

I went the philosophy/spiritual route

Sara

Mostly Tao, Buddhist, and tribal naturalism

Sara

Those things mixed with modem science and research into consciousness allowed me to move to where I am today.

Sara

Lots of parts work as well (shadow work, or inner child work are other common framings for that stuff) and plant medicine to enable more neuroplasticity

Sara

Sara Curley

**none of this is advice; I’m just talking about myself so you can get to know me better

You sent

do you see yet, can you see yet, how, what it sounds like to me, is, you're just telling me i'm too damaged, too broken, too ugly, too scary, and i need to fix myself BEFORE i deserve a friend, instead of the original crazy newfangled way i want to do it, which is have a friend help me through that shit? can you see yet that that's what it sounds to me like you're telling me? which makes me feel suicidal because i'm never gonna fix myself to make a friend because i see no value in it, and cannot do it no matter how much everyone insists i can? are you still not understanding that? can you understand that fixing myself before i make a friend is just completely suicide-inducing? renders me so hopeless that i'd rather die than remember this day? can you understand any of that yet? because this still feels very violating to me, very crushing and... i feel like my core is being shit on and ripped out and stomped on and crushed and flushed? does that matter to you at all? i still am never going to have any interest in any of those things. i'm getting to know you, i understand you just fine. i'm also telling you, people have told me this same stuff before, so much that it's made me question whether i should even bother trying to exist or not. that all society wants of me is an empty shell they can fill with trash, because anything i like about myself is just too scary for anyone else to consider accepting? is this making any sense to you? does it matter to you that i do not feel understood in the slightest yet?

Sara

We are human. We are all imperfect.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m trying to be your friend right now? Can you even see that? 

Or are you too stuck in your head and your beliefs?

You sent

please don't make me sound that stupid, of course i'm aware you're trying to be my friend, that's not what i was asking.

You sent

and please stop insisting i have beliefs.

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s how you are making me feel. That unless I fit your mold and do shit how you want it to be done than I’m just attacking you or being condescending or something? 

We all have beliefs; that’s a capital T truth, a universal truth of human existence. 

Even the Buddha has beliefs.

Sara

Sara Curley

You don’t need to accept that truth. I’m not asking you to.

You sent

it's way past my bedtime, i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because i'm too triggered and tensed up. it would be wonderful if we could turn this into a video call and if you wouldn't mind my nudity. i still maintain that i have no beliefs.

Sara

Sara Curley

No thank you; I’m not a nudist myself.

You sent

my stomach is in such a knot.

You sent

you don't have to be.

You sent

tired of everyone saying that same thing to me too.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’m not adverse to nudity - it’s not something I want to see from anyone currently

You sent

who doesn't love feeling ugly and scary, huh?

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s your interpretation. 

  Not what I said

You sent

didn't imply it wasn't mine.

Sara

I do my best to follow these 4 statements: 

Be impeccable with your word.

Don’t take anything personally.

Don’t make assumptions.

Always do your best.

Sara

Sara Curley

Have your tried any somatic movements or practices before to try to release the pent up emotional energy after you’ve been triggered in the past?

You sent

i know they won't work for me and i have no interest in them, i need people. people is all i need. not breathing or any other substitution for a friend.

Sara

Sara Curley

They are substitutes for friends ><

You sent

not for me!

Sara

Why do you think that?

Sara

Sara Curley

They are tools for emotional regulation.

You sent

because i'm insane.

You sent

no they are not.

You sent

not for me!

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

Do you really think that?

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

Why?

You sent

jesus lord, man, no!

You sent

sarcasm!

Sara

Sarcasms doesn’t often land with me via text.

Sara

Sara Curley

That’s one of my own projections related to the “be impeccable with your words”

You sent

is there anything else we can talk about please?

Sara

Sara Curley

Idk? 

I’m obsessed with attachment theory, and consciousness, and human relating, and Star Wars

You sent

of course you are.

Sara

I’m counting down until midnight so I can watch the premiere of the new season of mando

Sara

Sara Curley

I also love drum and bass, punk rawk, and folk metal

Sara replied to you

Lol yeahhhh I mean.. those things (minus Star Wars) is why I’ve chosen to be a life coach 🤷‍♀️

Sara

Ooo and I’m a bit of a basic bitch; crystals, tarot and oracle cards, spirit guides - all that woo woo shit

Sara

Haha and I so intuitive Reiki; and draw the energetic flows within one chakra system.

Sara

Sara

That’s the last scan I did on myself. My root chakra was way over active that day and messy, and my sacral as well.

Sara

Heart chakra has a really strong flow; yet it was leaky.

Sara

Quantum mechanics and entropy where my gateways into the woo woo world..

Sara

Laws of thermodynamics is how I embraced morality at a young age 🤪

Sara

Sara Curley

You might see why I have interest in the book you recommended eh?

You sent

i am never ever ever going to find anyone like me. i don't belong in this world. i'm unlovable. irredeemable. too unique. i know you don't have any incentive to know or understand how suicidal all of this makes me, and i'm not saying it's your fault, and i know i shouldn't even tell you it's depressing. we can be friends. i'm going to try really really hard to not kill myself tonight. i'm sorry for everything, i know i'm just a repugnant hideous piece of shit that doesn't deserve anything from anyone. i appreciate everything you've said, there's nothing wrong with it. but i need to close this window now, smoke a joint that has to last me till fuckin friday, and try to get this stupid shaking ugly piece of shit body to sleep. the psychotic sociopathic manipulative deceitful mother of my children was into all that astrology tarot stuff, so it's a massive trigger for me, she even tried to insult my interest in science on many occasions, tried to shame me out of being an atheist, so did my grandmother, my grandmother weaponized her religion against my mother and i, verbally abused my mother her entire life, my mother died seven years ago from nurse negligence, she was four hundred pounds bedridden with a tracheotomy and no teeth so she couldn't even verbally defend herself anymore, which is how and why i got so good with my words and truths and facts, my mother had genetic structural deformities in her knees like i do, but the doctors wouldn't replace them because of her weight, she couldn't lose weight without knees, that's the catch twenty two she died in, practically died in a wheelchair which is why i refuse to get in one, i credit the decade of homelessness with why i'm still walking, and i refuse to die in a catch twenty two like her, which i'm dangerously close to now with severe chronic physical pain and emotional torment. i need to close this window now, if i'm alive tomorrow, i'm alive tomorrow, if not... oh well, big loss. world's better off without me and i'm better off dead. there's nothing wrong with you, there's everything wrong with me. i hate myself because of this shit. i used to think i could share anything with people like this, but i just end up feeling ashamed, hopeless. i don't know why i keep trying. this world has made it clear they do not want me to be me. i've been redlining for so long, feeling like i'm on the verge of a heart attack or nervous breakdown and no one cares. i'm going to try really really hard to not kill myself tonight. thank you for sharing and listening. i'm hating myself too much to type another word.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’ll check in with you tomorrow okay?

You sent

sure.

Sara

Sara Curley

It’s understandable when things that remind one of their past is triggering.

I hope you find some rest tonight.

You sent

extremely unlikely, but i appreciate the sentiment.

same old stupid fuckin tune

 i'm still really trying desperately to make some actual quality connections and still have none and don't know why i keep trying. i can't be understood.

You sent

it would sure be nice to meet someone who understands me finally.

Mon 8:06 PM

Nik

Nik Gees

Karin snow was a trigger for me once (it was snowing when my baby died and played a part) I struggled to leave the house when it snowed. Emdr really helped now snow is just snow

3:26 AM

Karin

Karin Hughes

Emdr made it worse for me. I wrecked my knee in a really significant injury on black ice have had many ice accidents but this last one put me over the edge

4:04 AM

You sent

yeah, this is how friends are made, huh? this is the best we can do?

9:12 AM

Karin

Karin Hughes

Curious if any of you have any issues with sleep I go from sleeping maybe an hour or 2 a day to wanting to sleep days away.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

I’m curious, how much understanding do you believe you offer to others and to yourself?

You sent

i offer as much as i can, and it seems to me like people don't even recognize how much i offer to them. i understand myself quite well.

You sent

i think it's extremely unbalanced and unfair how much compassion i offer to others, how much time and effort i invest in friendships and how little people invest in me, how little compassion they offer. and it shouldn't have been this way for this long, i've done nothing to deserve it.

Sara

Sara Curley

Within the context of your life that you’ve shared, it’s understandable and completely normal to feel unbalance regarding interactions with others and the world in general. 

How much of that compassion do you offer yourself?

You sent

i also have to say though, that lately i have empathy fatigue.

Karin replied to you

Karin Hughes

This is actually quite common of trauma survivors

Karin replied to you

Karin Hughes

I feel this hard. I did a social experiment recently I didn’t reach out to anyone for 3 months and guess what?

You sent

i offer myself all my compassion, i don't understand why you're asking that, and i don't understand why it matters, but i know myself, i'm comfortable with myself, i'm not my own problem.

Karin

Karin Hughes

Not a single person reach out

You sent

they say "put yourself out there"...

Sara replied to Karin

Sara Curley

I’ve certainly had periods of my life where I’ve experienced that. It was rooted in depression and deeply embodied anxiety

Karin replied to you

Karin Hughes

Self compassion in these moments is Damn near impossible. Especially when your not used to receiving in other areas of your life

You sent

i really want to see society stop talking so much about self-care crap and start talking about collective communal caring. this "self-care" crap seriously just looks like the dark ages of human compassion to me. i know we can do better than this. i refuse to believe otherwise.

You sent

and if we can't do better than this, we're doomed.

Karin replied to Sara

Karin Hughes

Where I am at atm

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

I’m curious regarding these thing because as cliche as it sounds - our relationship with others and how we receive the world is a direct reflection of how capable we are at receiving ourselves. 

Self-care and community care are both important and are basic human needs

Karin replied to you

Karin Hughes

Unfortunately people can’t offer compassion to something they don’t understand

Karin replied to you

Karin Hughes

Society on the whole has failed mental health

You replied to Sara

they can both be basic human needs, but society can't constantly preach to lonely people like me about one, and relentlessly ignore the other.

Sara

Sara Curley

There’s a lot of momentum and focus these days on mental health - this is something that gives me hope for change. 

So much so, that I’ve chosen to be an active component of that change.

Karin replied to Sara

Karin Hughes

Oh me too by become a therapist and learning all that I can. However there are so many barriers to mental health at least here in canada the system is not in good shape. So many misconceptions

You sent

i say actions speak louder than words and so far it seems to me like they're just talking about it and doing absolutely nothing.

Karin

Karin Hughes

Lack of education for people who should be trauma informed and are not or think they are and haven’t a damn clue

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

How capable might you be of ignoring what you believe society is “telling you to do”?

You sent

i have complex ptsd, severe depression, inability to focus, lack of coordination, and horrible memory, i don't know, i'd think that's up to you to figure out if you really want to know that bad.

You sent

for two decades i've been determined to do what i want, but for those same two decades, constantly being relentlessly stomped on by that boot and no one ever sees it or cares or comes to the rescue or anything.

You sent

i've never intentionally compromised, but most of my life has been nothing but a massive compromise, and one after another.

You sent

and no one cares about that either.

You sent

i'm still me and i love myself and society ain't gonna change me, but at the same time... what's the value of that if i can't even share my defiance with anyone.

You sent

i wouldn't rather be stupid and popular like everyone else, but do i have to be this alone because i'm this awesome?

You sent

this unique.

You sent

society looks like a playpen to me, a shopping mall of the human spirit, and i want no part of that, i'm looking for the naked alien mushroom forest. i know it exists.

You sent

i'll invent it if i have to. earth needs it.

You sent

think i'm crazy all you want, i think this is insanity. doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results is what society calls sanity, and no one sees anything wrong with that. especially enough to stand on my side.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

How true is that statement “everyone is stupid and chasing popularity”, can you think of 2 or 3 people that shows that to be an inaccuracy ?

You sent

do they have to be living? cause i know of a few dead heroes like terence mckenna and george carlin, but until we intentionally reincarnate them, i think we're screwed in that part of the soul department.

Sara

Sara Curley

What about yourself, if it’s “everyone” wouldn’t you be included in that?

You sent

where did i say everyone?

Sara

Sara Curley

I apologize, you did say everyone else. Not just everyone.

You sent

and there's only a few instances where i'll include myself in the everyone pool. otherwise, i oppose the entire fuckin world like a thumb.

Sara

Sara Curley

I’d you are opposed to the entire world, how might that effect how your relate to others?

You sent

it's not about relating to others, i have no interest in that, no one can relate to me, so it's pointless, futile, i'm a lot more concerned with starting my company and contributing something really cool to society that can take them the next couple hundred years to learn to appreciate and i'll be long gone, but i don't really care, i still have to do it.

You sent

i've given up on being understood and related to, i've given up on making friends, friends are overrated, so is family, i want employees. i've invested too much of myself into friends and it wasn't worth it. i didn't get back a fraction of what i gave. and that's just... that just makes society look like a playpen, and what's their incentive to know that?

You sent

at that point, they have no incentive to care and neither do you.

Sara

Sara Curley

You’ve mentioned many times since requesting support that you’d like friends, it seems like relating to others and them relating to you is important to you.

I can’t ask everyone else why they may find challenges to relate to you.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

Why would I need incentive to care from your perspective?

You sent

it's an emotional need, yes, but as far as my goals and ambition, it's really not necessary. i know the difference.

You sent

uh... well, that's kinda why "incentive" is one of my favorite words, it's not used often enough or understood enough.

You sent

but it's a heavy word.

Sara

Sara Curley

So I hear you saying your needs being met isn’t necessary. How does that make you feel to hear, and how might that belief be effecting how you show up for yourself?

You sent

no, that's not at all what i just said.

You sent

my emotional needs being met are necessary, just not in the scope of my ambition and goals, they are two separate things.

Sara

Sara Curley

How true is that honestly, that they are separate?

You sent

very. why does everyone question me so much, why am i so puzzling to everyone?

Sara

Questions are how we nurture understanding

Sara

Sara Curley

You aren’t puzzling at all to me.

You sent

i mean questioning those things about me. this whole 'show up for yourself' thing i think is ridiculous. i was homeless for a decade, myself is all i had.

You sent

it doesn't mean i should be enough for myself and able to keep myself happy being alone when i hate being alone.

You sent

i honestly think that 'show up for yourself'/'self-care' stuff is just propaganda designed to keep people isolated and powerless.

Sara

Sara Curley

Why do you belief that?

You sent

thinking there's something wrong with them when there's more wrong with the society making them think that or feel that way about themselves.

You sent

someone has to.

You sent

society needs opposition, and why would they not want it?

Sara

Sara Curley

What If there isn’t a “wroung” or “right” regarding self care, or community care - what if you envision them as both as aspects of living an empowered life?

You sent

knowledge isn't about knowing everything, it's about being capable of questioning everything you know. i can change perspectives at will, no one even knows that about me. they have no problem assuming otherwise, though.

Sara

Sara Curley

What if you where to offer others that same grace, that they are capable of changing perspectives as well?

You sent

only the rich can really care for themselves, they can afford to, and they can afford to not care about how poor people can't afford to care for themselves, or they can't afford to care.

You sent

i've met very few people who could do it as well as i can. i've grown into this opposition, it's not just a box, it's a perch, people underestimate what can be learned from opposition.

Sara

Sara Curley

Are you happy living in total opposition?

You sent

you're asking what if, though, and... i don't know what if, i don't know if it would matter, i always put my cards on the table first, and it's never worth it. people don't reciprocate enough. is that my fault?

You sent

i am.

You sent

it's not as unhealthy as people who fear opposition think.

You sent

there's plenty of deception and corruption to oppose.

Sara

Sara Curley

Id like to acknowledge that there are many things that especially around mental health support in the USA, Canada and many other places that could be improved.

What I’m experiencing from you is a lot of assumptions regarding what others think, feel, and believe. 

How true are those assumptions?

You sent

i'm an offensively unique quantum psychedelic nudist atheist metalhead. i wouldn't be anything else. there's only so much value in self-love especially if you have no one to share it with.

Sara

Sara Curley

From our interactions do you think those assumptions apply to me?

You sent

they're not assumptions, don't let my phrasing confuse you, they're not assumptions, they're past experiences. i don't dismiss my past experiences, i'd like others to not dismiss them either. and i'm aware that just because my past experiences have been poor, doesn't mean future ones have to, but it does mean i'm going to feel more dreadful of them. that needs to be understood. i feel out of that, i could have better experiences.

You sent

no, i give new people the benefit of the doubt, every time, all the time. you'll see that.

You sent

if there's one thing i'm most consistent about, it's giving people a chance, even when i shouldn't be.

You sent

i don't blame everyone for my trauma and abuse. i don't think everyone is an abuser or potential abuser.

You sent

but the trauma still puts a filter of dread over that.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

So from that awareness that your future isn’t defined by your past experiences, what might be something you can do within your control to invite the life your want towards you?

You sent

i'm doing everything i can right now, which is more than i currently have the emotional capacity for, let alone to keep doing. i'm exhausting myself, depleting myself, doing more damage than good. i have a caseworker trying to get me a caregiver, but they keep stalling and finding cheap excuses and i'm tired of that, i'm powerless to do much, and no one wants to believe that, they all want to believe that i can do everything myself, which makes them ableist and classist and that's wrong, but try convincing them of that. i still fail to understand why this is all on me, what else is the government and your fellow humans for? to fear you and find excuses? to whine and complain and not accept you as you are? cause that's all i know so far. how am i supposed to keep seeing through that jungle, see the forest for the trees, and maintaining a positive outlook, and why is that all me? i really don't get it. i'm doing everything i can, more than i can, but there comes a time when it's up to others to help instead of just standing there watching one disabled guy push a boulder up a hill.

You sent

i think society has forgotten that, or at least when it comes to poor people, they just refuse to acknowledge it. they don't realize or care how indefensible that is.

Sara

Sara Curley

I don’t believe you need to do everything or can do everything yourself, I’m curious about what you can do, nothing more than that.

You sent

we've lost the incentive to care about eachother. most of us can't afford to, and don't have the time between trying to survive ourselves and trying to participate in this society.

Sara

Sara Curley

I haven’t lost that “incentive”

You sent

what i can do? i wish it were a lot more. i really can't do much myself anymore, i've used this laptop for everything i could, found out what i can't do. i'm stuck. i've been stuck for a while.

Sara

Sara Curley

Truthfully- I don’t need any incentive to care.

It’s just a natural aspect of my nature

Mel

Mel Thompson

So I have been told by doctors I have cptsd and BPD

I'm confused by someone actions towards me they have been attempting to reach out to me. I want them in my life but they trigger me and I hit remission

You sent

yeah, well, you're not in the us, that's probably easier for you.

You replied to Mel

i have friends trigger me all the time, it actually helps because i learn how to react during the trigger, how to suppress them and be nicer.

Sara

Sara Curley

My location wouldn’t matter. 

   As it’s an aspect of my intrinsic nature.

Mel

Mel Thompson

I just want to say why it happens to her

You sent

i think you underestimate how paranoid and apathetic america is.

You sent

but that's possibly a good thing, so...

You sent

still doesn't negate my point, the help i need can't come from me.

Sara

Sara Curley

I think you under estimate the strength and resilience of my nature.

I’m a trans human; right now as we speak, segments of the population want to see me dead, just for being me.

Idgaf

You sent

we don't differ on that.

You sent

i said what i am.

Sara

Sara Curley

what do you think might be different between you and I? 

Some personal context around me. 

I’m broke most the time, I live in one of the most expensive cities in my country, and have never made a living wage.  I’ve had plenty of trauma in my past, family, sexual, and more.  I’ve battled deep depression, and anxiety. I repressed and denied myself for 35 years. I’ve had physical challenges to face, and mental health diagnosis. 

Yet here I am, living with hope, with kindness, with compassion, and with an unshakable confidence.

You sent

fff. wish i could relate to that last bit. i'd say that's the difference, i'm too bitter and resentful and feel too hated and unlovable. and i don't know why. it's not like i chose this, or still choose to be this way. i'm really not, i'm really trying to get better and be more compassionate. but the loneliness is what suffocates everything for me. until it ends, i'm stuck here, hurting. i'm on disability, so when people not on disability tell me they're broke all the time, i can't help but laugh, and think to myself, 'if only you knew'. hell, i'm so broke, i can't even afford to be broke. seattle is pretty expensive too, rent is two grand a month average. i don't repress and deny anything about myself, i don't hide much unless it's from heartless people. but i'd say the biggest difference between us is my extreme lack of coordination no one can seem to understand. there's really not much i can handle right now, i can't focus on anything, can't eat sleep or think alone. and the loneliness is just so constantly crushing. it's not to say i don't have hope and compassion, i don't have much confidence in myself around people, but i do have confidence in my goals. i tend to take a back seat to my ambition, it keeps the cart front-heavy, so the whole 'cart before the horse' thing doesn't throw me off.

You sent

while i'm flying backward down a hill...

Sara

Loneliness is a powerful space to exist within - it certainly has massive implications on our perceptions.

Sara

Sara Curley

Do you feel a connection to any aspect of the natural world?

You sent

yeah, i don't like that it's soured mine so much, but i see people with a more positive outlook and... i just can't be them.

Mel

Mel Wright-Bevans

I think it is ironic that you have dominated this space and weaponized your uniqueness and transmuted your interactions as a blanket weakness and inferiority of all humans around you to a group of strangers, and expect someone to climb into your conceptual Fort knox and fight for the privilege of befriending you- you have no clue as to the lived experiences, intentions, sensitivities, vulnerabilities of capacities of any of us. Yet you presume to know us and indeed all others. That is nothing short of insulting. I get you are weathered and have been deeply wounded, but you do not hold the monopoly on suffering. You are part of a large group of thinking, philosophy and literature that critically appriases systems of power and fights for a collective conscious / community building and highlights the woes of an individualistic culture- these are not concepts of your design and a great many beautiful and aspiring minds are as we speak, fighting to heal a broken global infrastructure.  No matter how dismal and bleak change might feel at times. You have not found your tribe, it doesn't mean they don't exist, but you don't have the right to expect anyone who fight for you, other than yourself. That doesn't mean people are against you. There is a lot of good in this world, despite the horrors.

You sent

i'm not sure what you mean by natural world. my planet is boobshaped, dimethyltryptamine is my god... wow. gee, thanks, mel, i really wish heartless assholes would stop saying that cruel broken record bullshit about me.

Also, if you aren't getting anything back from people, if they take from you, drain you and don't fulfill you the it might be time to consider the type of person you a drawn to out of familiarity and consider new types of people or places to experience different people

Sara

Sara Curley

Mel’s perspective doesn’t seem hartless at all to me.

She’s sharing her experience, which is just as valid as your Ozzy

Mel

Mel Wright-Bevans

If thinking I am an heartless asshole helps you then so be it.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

What is the natural world to you?

...

I think it is ironic that you have dominated this space and weaponized your uniqueness and transmuted your interactions as a blanket weakness and inferiority of all humans around you to a group of strangers, and expect someone to climb into your conceptual Fort knox and fight for the privilege of befriending you- you have no clue as to the lived experiences, intentions, sensitivities, vulnerabilities of capacities of any of us. Yet you presume to know us and indeed all others. That is nothing short of insulting. I get you are weathered and have been deeply wounded, but you do not hold the monopoly on suffering. You are part of a large group of thinking, philosophy and literature that critically appriases systems of power and fights for a collective conscious / community building and highlights the woes of an individualistic culture- these are not concepts of your design and a great many beautiful and aspiring minds are as we speak, fighting to heal a broken global infrastructure.  No matter how dismal and bleak change might feel at times. You have not found your tribe, it doesn't mean they don't exist, but you don't have the right to expect anyone who fight for you, other than yourself. That doesn't mean people are against you. There is a lot of good in this world, despite the horrors.

You sent

i'm not sure what you mean by natural world. my planet is boobshaped, dimethyltryptamine is my god... wow. gee, thanks, mel, i really wish heartless assholes would stop saying that cruel broken record bullshit about me.

Mel

Mel Wright-Bevans

Also, if you aren't getting anything back from people, if they take from you, drain you and don't fulfill you the it might be time to consider the type of person you a drawn to out of familiarity and consider new types of people or places to experience different people

Sara

Sara Curley

Mel’s perspective doesn’t seem hartless at all to me.

She’s sharing her experience, which is just as valid as your Ozzy

Mel

Mel Wright-Bevans

If thinking I am an heartless asshole helps you then so be it.

Sara replied to you

Sara Curley

What is the natural world to you?

Sara replied to Mel

What’s your past with this person?

Sara

Sara Curley

Or do they or the relationship with them remind you of anyone from your past?

11:22 AM

Mel replied to Mel

Mel Wright-Bevans

I can't help but notice the wording of you have been told you are / have something (insert labels). I want you to hear that these are a list of symptoms and not a death sentence; a behavioural observation of how you have reacted to the ways in which you have (or have not) been treated by those around you. Your friend, who triggers you, you do not owe them your friendship if they are not willing to discuss how their actions affect you and work towards healthy boundaries. On that note, considering your boundaries for yourself and in any relationships is key. You deserve what you give and need not settle for lessm

...

you are so wrong about me, it's hurtful. i wish people would stop saying that same tired old crap about me, i'm sick of hearing it. i'm sick of being shamed for having more to say, i'm sick of being attacked and overpoliced and overpunished by anti-intellectual whining and constant complaints about what i do wrong and what's wrong with me and that you're always right, whatever crap you say about me, you're always right, you know me so well, you know me better than i know myself, i'm just stupid and insignificant, keep the poor suffering, always remind them they don't have a chance. that's what i hear from you, that's what that is. you always think i haven't heard it before, haven't thought of it or considered it before. "dominating this space" is a shitty thing to say when i'm just answering another lady's questions and only been in here a few times! and "weaponizing my uniqueness" wow. so what if i am? why is that a bad thing? how dare i ask for help and try to be understood, right? truth is, you don't know shit about me or my friends, you just love to think you do like everyone else. you start off saying it's ironic. i'm wondering the real irony here. and "transmutated your interactions" gee, thanks doc, didn't know i paid for a session, your couch is on fire. "expect someone to climb into your intellectual fort knox", dude, totally, you should sell that. people would so buy that. that's the next big trend. you know so much about me, you know me so well, i love that the armchair psychobabble factory's propaganda products with mouths keep trying to be my friends, this is nice. who thought this up.

fuck it

pseudointellectual, antiintellectual

doesn't need to be said. doesn't matter. no one cares.

fucking goddamnit! of course! i fuckin knew it!

 can you please write me the code for an android game, that's a combination of mariokart, pacman, tetris, and candy crush, where a player can pick one of thirty different alien characters with different mutant abilities and get points by collecting dancing rainbow galaxy bubbles that pop sparkle and glitter when collected, eating mushrooms, pickles and corndogs, they can slide through wormholes to collect little spaceships they can enlarge and fly in, talk to squirrels for hints and jokes, level one is in the woods, level two is a small town, level three is a bigger town, level four is a big city, level five is global earth, level six is jupiter, level seven is saturn, level eight is uranus, level nine is neptune, level ten is an exoplanet with turquoise water and big trees that range from pink to purple, level eleven is a bright glowing exoplanet with tall red and brown mountains and canyons with lots of connecting caves, and level twelve is a rainbow bubble galaxy where you get to bounce off planets, slingshot around suns, throw moons at other moons, stack giant mushrooms tetris-style on planets, chase little alien dinosaurs and pterodactyls from planet to planet, and how you win the game is if you do all this enough to slowly piece together and build a dyson sphere around a sun and harness the energy to illuminate and power the galaxy and create enough fusion to power another galaxy inside a black hole until it becomes a wormhole that can take the player through a fun bouncing sparkly replay timelapse of what they just did, if they go through it, they get a different random scientific factoid or quote or random terence mckenna quote, and then the game starts over where they can pick a new character. if they do that enough times, they can unlock new characters and weird alien foods to eat for travel energy. new foods can be tacos, burritos, pineapples. chicken nuggets, strawberries, frog legs, ice cream cookies and cookie ice cream. if you find the one hidden bubblegum ice cream, you get to pick from a variety of underground adventures where you can solve simple physics puzzles and riddles and win extra mushrooms. the game app will contain ads they have to pay five dollars to remove. is this possible? please, thank you.

As an AI language model, I'm not able to write the entire code for the game as it is quite complex and requires expertise in game development. However, I can give you a general idea of the features that you can incorporate into the game.

Here are some key features that can be included in the game:

Character selection screen where the player can choose from thirty different alien characters, each with unique mutant abilities.

The gameplay will involve collecting dancing rainbow galaxy bubbles, eating mushrooms, pickles, and corndogs, sliding through wormholes to collect spaceships, talking to squirrels for hints and jokes, and solving simple physics puzzles and riddles.

The game will have twelve levels with each level set in a different environment like a forest, small town, big city, planets, etc. Each level will have its own set of challenges and obstacles.

The player can unlock new characters and weird alien foods like tacos, burritos, pineapples, chicken nuggets, strawberries, frog legs, ice cream cookies, and cookie ice cream for travel energy.

The game will have ads that the player can remove by paying a fee.

The ultimate goal of the game is to piece together and build a dyson sphere around a sun and harness the energy to illuminate and power the galaxy, and create enough fusion to power another galaxy inside a black hole until it becomes a wormhole that can take the player through a fun bouncing sparkly replay timelapse of what they just did.

If the player goes through the wormhole, they can receive a different random scientific factoid or quote or random Terence McKenna quote.

While this game idea is certainly ambitious, it is technically possible to create such a game. However, it would require a lot of time, resources, and expertise to develop, test, and release a game of this scale and complexity.

nakedalien66@gmail.com

i was hoping this would be easy, i have absolutely no idea how to do that, i'm physically disabled with no coordination and no one helping, and i'm trying to get someone to help me with anything and still waiting. is there anything else we can do that would be an easy way to me to make some quick legitimate income please?

!

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only for me, right?