https://youtu.be/k8QmBmcXetg

 i'm physically disabled with complex ptsd and severe depression, just overcame a decade of homelessness with section eight a year ago, i'm on disability, no friends or family, trying to start my own film company and cannot get anyone to care about me, i'm stuck to my apartment, can't emotionally handle busses and not coordinated enough to use the internet or social media, they fail me daily, i don't have the emotional capacity to handle doing anything alone, i'm sick of being alone, having no connection to anyone, no one trying to understand me or accepting me as i am, i love myself, but why does it have to be this difficult? i've invested in friendships and no one reciprocates, i don't know what else to do, i've tried everything,  if i could get help starting my company, this would all be over, but they have to keep stalling, keep the poor suffering another day, no one cares, the excuses they keep using, like if they have to do one thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, that needs to stop, or that i'm too angry, i'm so sick of that, i'm allowed to be a metalhead, if they'd listen to my spotify playlist or my youtoob playlist, read the lyrics, listen, pay attention, invest time, but they just can't and won't and don't. does american't want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity? what would happen if we cured loneliness, would there be a shortage of yachts? how many more days do i have to suffer this way? in invisibility? dismissed, degraded, disrespected, dehumanized? i want to contribute something really cool to society, and no one can care? what does it take to get someone to care? this social quicksand nightmare agony hell just will not die, i can't sue my way out of it. obscurity. ostracized. i could throw a thesaurus around this planet, how perfect and undamaged and ablebodied am i supposed to be, how sane am i supposed to stay? society can keep being classist and ableist and no one's going to change that? people keep telling me, as if it's some legitimate justification that 'it's just the way it is', to which i respond 'only until we invent the solution' and no one can see the gravity in that statement. is everyone truly this apathetic and content? i've been bullied and judged and criticized so much i'm losing myself, it's taken a serious toll on me. the resources are all too restricted to help me, they just keep stalling and throwing cheap excuses at me, i can't do this anymore. i'm forty four. i feel like i'm pushing myself to a heart attack just trying to get legitimate help, but no one knows what help means, they keep forcing "independence" on me and refusing to understand i have no interest in that, yes, i want stability, i'm begging for that, but i do not want loneliness, i'm emotionally nauseous, i need someone to just take the wheel and get me to stability so i can purge in a productive way, no one will understand that and just take the wheel, get this crap i can't do done so i can finally heal, i'm gonna get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help. they need to stop acting like i'm not supposed to be disabled, they need to stop acting like they have to use my legs for me, they need to stop acting like i'm crazy and angry and not human enough to help, they need to stop delaying and stalling and throwing excuses, i need a caregiver, a caseworker, a doctor, a mentor, a disability rights advocate, but no one knows how to get any of those or that they even exist, even cops tell me they don't know what those are, then how have i heard of them? i also need a caseworker through social security which i should have had the whole time i've been on disability, but no one ever told me till recently, and i have stopped asking for volunteers and companions, those are unicorns partying with santa clause and will farrell and will farrell ate my invitation. does my life matter or not? when is anyone going to even see me let alone care? am i blacklisted by big tech? can i sue my way out of this? does anyone care? is anyone ever going to care? you won't even see this comment, let alone care enough to help me, you'll just say the same broken record bullshit, all i ever hear is 'no', 'can't', 'i don't know', and 'do it yourself'. those are triggers for me and i wish i could sue every person who says them. all i need are people. actual people. employees. people start companies all the time, but no one knows how to start one? really? my disbelief is at war with this fictional reality! i understand quantum physics better than i understand money! money is poison and no one else can see it! what would happen when you take money out of the equation? like the bank and guns are the be all end all to human communication on this planet and we'll never do any better! jobs are being automated, universal basic income is inevitable, i'm an imaginal cell and no one will even google that or listen to the machine head song! let alone understand it! i've had my patented wall of text rant fomula called "diatribes" more times than i care to count by my family and recently the christian idiot who housed me, i've been physically overpowered by cops more times than i care to count, i've learned to never tell anyone if i'm suicidal or not because i've been strapped to tables forced to cry myself to sleep more times than i care to count because that's how we treat suicidal people, thorazine and lobotomies, it's barbaric and no one's doing anything, but the one guy who knows what to do, do not listen to him! he's crazy! be scared and run for cover and never listen to the otep song telling you to! never listen to george carlin or terence mckenna or anyone! what do i have to do to get your attention and get you to care about me? and i'm tired of hearing "you have to care about people first", because i obviously haven't tried that! every excuse to not reach out to me first! i have to do all the reaching out and losing limbs and at this point it feels like a bunch of children standing around an alligator saying 'just keep sticking your hands in there, he'll stop chewing eventually'. what did larry the cable guy say to the alligator? gator done! this won't get your attention. this will never be seen. no one will ever care. this nightmare will never end. i don't deserve anyone in  my life. prove me wrong. don't  just say i'm wrong, show your proof. actions speak louder than words. write that down.

nuthing changes

Milanya (Counselor)

Hello, my name is Milanya, and welcome to the chat. I see that you are having suicidal thoughts which can be very overwhelming to handle. If you are comfortable, tell me about your thoughts of suicide.

1:55 PM

insignificant trash

suicide is my only option. i'm intent on killing myself tonight if i can't get the help i need. i've got a kitchen knife right here. and you're not going to help me. so i don't know why i'm even trying here, you won't help me. you're too restricted and not compassionate or human enough. your idea of helping is strapping me down to another table. making my life worse, not better. and insisting i do everything myself and calling it help. just like everyone else does to me. so why should i keep living? why should i delay the inevitable? i'm physically disabled, complex ptsd, my body's dying soon anyway. i just wanted to start my own company, but american't clearly does not want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity. in fact, i think you're the same heartless asshole i talked to last time, a few days ago. you're aware this shit doesn't help anyone, right?

1:56 PM

i need a person here. i need to not be alone. but that's all society wants to force on me. i watch videos where people are actually talking about trauma and loneliness and they say it's unhealthy to be alone like this, isolated, ignored, dismissed. but no one cares, i can't even get anyone else around me to watch those videos. so what's the point? nothing matters. that's your policy. a wall i'll never get through.

2:00 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now, I can hear how hopeless you are feeling with so much weighing down on you. I want to support you as best as I can today. I want to check in on your safety, have you done anything already as an attempt to end your life today?

2:01 PM

insignificant trash

look, let's not act like i'm an elementary school student here incapable of thinking for myself, that's the first big way y'all trigger me every time. let's not do that today, okay?

2:03 PM

give me a little dignity, don't just categorize me. i know a little respect is too much to ask of this egocentric species.

2:04 PM

i want someone here. that's all i want. whatever law you have to break to get someone here. i don't fucking care anymore. i'm sick of being alone against my will, having no fucking way to connect with anyone, having internet and social media fail me every day, and no one cares. i need an end to this nightmare, and if you won't help end it, i will.

2:05 PM

i'm tired of suffering. suicide is my only option. the only option you're leaving me with since "rescue" is just too expensive!

2:05 PM

i could not want to die, to leave this world, more than i do right now. i cannot wait to leave this pathetic world. the way you treat your disabled people is atrocious.

2:06 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It's understandable why questions about suicidal ideations can be very triggering. With everything you've shared I want to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. It seems like you've been having thoughts of suicide for a while now which can be very hard to cope with. I want you to know that reaching out for support takes great strength.

2:08 PM

insignificant trash

so... if you can't get someone here... someone without a badge... in fact, i'm gonna paint in blood on my front door, "BOOBS NOT BADGES!!!", see if that makes any difference or blocks the heartless fascism out.

2:08 PM

i've had so many reasons to be deeply, aggressively suicidal for most my life, nothing's changing that. you're just gonna have to get used to it. reaching out for support doesn't take the strength, it's being alone through every day that takes strength i don't have. why can no one else realize that? why does everyone act like loneliness is everyone's only option in society? when do we evolve past this adolescent crap?

2:10 PM

is my life ever going to matter to anyone other than me?

2:10 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I'm hearing how agitated you are and it's understandable why you are frustrated. When we are feeling angry it's common for our thoughts to race which makes it difficult to ease our minds. What you are going through is not easy, and it has me feeling concerned for you. I want to check in, are you going to attempt suicide tonight?

2:13 PM

2:15 PM

You have been idle for 5 minutes.

We're still here for you if you want to keep talking. Please send us a message in the next 5 minutes to stay in the chat.

Milanya (Counselor)

Hello, checking in to see if you are available to chat.

2:19 PM

insignificant trash

yeah...

2:19 PM

when i'm trying to do shit like this, that's when the world decides they wanna fuckin talk to me, just to make my day worse, to overload and overwhelm me, because i have no choice but to do this shit alone, so of course i have to do twenty things at once alone, and there's only one of me, great joke, lord!

2:20 PM

the rest of the day, the rest of the week, it's dead silence, nothing from anyone. as soon as i open some shit like this, "HEY!!!". like it's not planned by a deadbeat god. just to torture me more. i wanna fuckin die so bad. i want to leave this nightmare hell.

2:21 PM

i've already answered your categorizing question, i'm not going to answer it again, you gotta stop doing that shit to me. i'm a different kind of fuckin human here! sick of being pigeonholed and assumed i'm just like everyone else, i'm so sick of the constant relentless misconceptions with absolutely no mediation! when the fuck do we grow the fuck up! do i matter or not?!

2:23 PM

do physically disabled people deserve help or not? which is it? how long will it take to get me the help i need? is it even possible?

2:24 PM

i'm willing to pay for a caregiver. i need a disability rights advocate yesterday. i need a mentor. i've given up on asking for volunteers and companions, those fuckin unicorns are like me, they don't fuckin exist! they're off partying with fuckin santa and will farrell! i think will farrell ate my invitation! like schrodinger's cat ate pavlov's dog with occam's razor. oh, that's right, i thought i was funny.

2:26 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see how much all of these intense worries have been affecting you lately. It sounds like there has been so much weighing on your mind for a while now and that has me wondering about what plans you have had made that you think you might use to end you life with.

2:27 PM

insignificant trash

how many times are you gonna ask me that fucking question, when i keep saying it's a fucking disrespectful pigeonholing categorizing dehumanizing degrading fucking trigger for me!!! i have no fucking solid answer for it and that should be seen as a fucking good thing! stop fucking asking!!! let's get to how you can get someone here to help me out of this social quicksand nightmare agony fuckin hell!!! can we do that? is that breaking any rules or cracking the fucking earth?

2:29 PM

fuck!

2:29 PM

i told you i have a kitchen knife right here and i will stab it into my fucking chest if i do not get the help i need! make me repeat myself again, it really makes me want to live!

2:30 PM

i know my life matters when i have to repeat shit i said when i was a fucking teenager! shit that's so easily googlable! that's my life career, fucking information kiosk for the stupid! yeah, i wanna live! i'd feel more useful as a walmart greeter!

2:31 PM

i cannot be understood, so why keep trying?

2:31 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see that you are feeling very upset today however you are not allowed to use language like swearing and abusive language towards me or other counselors while talking to us. If you continue with the swearing and abusive language then I will have to end the chat immediately. Do you understand?

2:35 PM

insignificant trash

i'm fairly sure i have colon cancer, but can't even get a doctor to give a shiny rainbow human goatfuck about me enough to tell me. i'm also fairly certain i'm going to have a heart attack soon, that i'm just pushing myself to a heart attack trying to get help. i'm also fairly certain i have either lung cancer or throat cancer or both. i have genetic structural deformities in my knees, gastroparesis, chronic neck and shoulder tension i think is from the trauma, that i can't loosen up and relax anymore, even when i sleep. i wake up exhausted and stressed and depressed and lonely and suicidal and if i wake up alone one more fucking morning not deserving a woman next to me and having to fight this world just to matter, i don't see the point.

2:36 PM

yes, master, i'll be a good submissive little child slave. another reason i want to live in this world made for children. i feel so understood. so connected, so appreciated. i don't know why i'm still here, i just feel like you're not going to help me with anything.

2:38 PM

sick of being beaten down into a tiny little piece of trash. i don't matter.

2:39 PM

i'm just predicting you're gonna do nothing for me. waiting to be surprised. waiting for humanity to show up. holding my breath.

2:40 PM

i also fail to understand why suicidal people aren't allowed to be angry or use adult language, we have to be treated like children until we just can't bare to be in this world anymore... and i wonder why no one's mature enough to help disabled people. i mean just talk about education, all the people i've asked how to start a company don't know. something tells me, if anyone knew how to start a company... heh. that'll never change.

2:42 PM

i seriously think all disabled, traumatized and abused people should just commit mass suicide. do the world a favor. thin the herd. take one for the team. we're obviously just holding everyone back.

2:43 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

You have been through so much and your life experiences have you feeling angry. I can only imagine how devastating that when you reach out for help you feel invalidated. With so much on your shoulders, it's okay to want help.

2:46 PM

insignificant trash

bitter, resentful, don't forget those.

2:46 PM

it's okay to want help, but getting it... should not be this difficult.

2:47 PM

is there any chance of me being loved by a woman tomorrow?

2:47 PM

is there any chance of me being accepted and valued as i am tomorrow?

2:47 PM

i'm gonna get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help and everyone's okay with that.

2:48 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

Those are all valid feelings and they reflect what you've gone through. Having feelings of loneliness can be difficult to shoulder. It sounds like spending time with others is important to you. I can see how really isolated you are feeling at this moment in your life. We have been chatting for a while now, what do you think you are going to do after our chat ends tonight to help yourself get through today?

2:50 PM

insignificant trash

the colon cancer is about to cause diverticulitis, which peter steele of type o negative died of. i can't even relax enough to use a restroom, i cannot eat alone or sleep alone, it's impossible to calm myself, i've tried rubbing my own shoulders, it does nothing. i need someone here, i need a compassionate woman here, and society's just gonna have to compromise and break some rules or something. i can't take this anymore.

2:50 PM

i don't feel any more 'validated' when you say that. just sayin.

2:51 PM

i've been isolated for the last decade at least, doing all the reaching out and getting nothing back, the more i reach out, the less i get back, the more pointless and painful it is to keep reaching out and being rejected left and right.

2:51 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can get how chat can only do so much when we have so many overwhelming situations happening in our lives right now. It sounds like you have so much weighing on you and I can see how much of an effect that has had on you. We have about five minutes left to chat tonight but in moments like these, it can help to hear someone's voice. If you would like to we can set up a follow-up call so that a counselor can give you a call and connect you with resources in your area. How does trying that option sound?

2:54 PM

insignificant trash

i'm getting confused, shaky, and losing focus... please be patient with me. i want to cry so bad, but it just converts to rage, and i don't know what to do with it anymore. i've got no healthy outlet.

2:56 PM

i can't even express how hopeless i get. how vile and empty i feel right now. the void where a woman should be. it makes my heart not want to beat. but society just does not want to help.

2:57 PM

i seriously cannot handle phone calls alone anymore, and that's all anyone wants to do, any substitution for having a person here, any excuse to not get a person here. it's just impossible to get a person here, humanity has never heard of such a thing. i feel like i'm about to puke, and i haven't eaten anything in a few days. the nausea is just overpowering. the neck pain steals my thoughts.

2:59 PM

i've tried all the "resources" in my area. they are all just barricades and dead ends with cheap excuses. i'm sick of hearing them say that if they have to do one thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, and they don't understand how sick that is, or that it doesn't help anyone, they don't care. so i'm trying to bypass those barricades and get a disability rights advocate that no one knows how to get, which is just ironic at this point.

3:00 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It's hard when we feel trapped and that society is not caring about our experiences. I totally understand that speaking on the phone is difficult for you. I want to share a resource with you that can help with grounding techniques and help ease your mind: https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques

3:01 PM

insignificant trash

and you're not going to give me some huge revelation in the next five minutes, so... this whole thing was pointless. again. i'm gonna wake up alone tomorrow, and help does not exist. getting a woman here is just never gonna be possible. with any number of humans' help. we can launch james webb space telescope, but those disabled people, we just have no clue.

3:01 PM

it's just more 'do it yourself' shit. that really doesn't help get anyone here.

3:02 PM

you really can't do any better than that? for my unique situation?

3:02 PM

i'm seriously not sticking around much longer. this world doesn't have to make it any clearer that they don't want me here. the feeling's mutual.

3:03 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can understand how really frustrated and upset you are feeling right now. You mentioned that the last resource I sent you won't fit your needs and it sounds like you are also having really intense feelings of loneliness. I have a resource that can connect you to a professional you can see in a person who can help you through this moment in your life for a free or reduced cost. How would you like to try that instead tonight?

3:05 PM

insignificant trash

i'm a turtle on its back and i'm having a heart attack, but i'll slide into the ballroom blitz! ballroom blitz! i sure wish you could break some rules and get a woman here. that would be super human and unprecedented.

3:05 PM

now doesn't that sound a little more 'out of the box' to you?

3:06 PM

how about a reality teevee show challenge where people try to help a disabled or traumatized person without putting them in that box? or pigeonholing them or categorizing them or degrading them? that would be a show! wouldn't it?

3:07 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see why building a connection with someone is important to you but we are a suicide prevention lifeline and cannot send people to client locations as that is not one of the services that we offer. However, if you would like to have someone come to your home, you can call 988 and they can help you explore some options for in-home care. We are out of time for tonight though, is there anything else you would like to explore in the next three minutes before we close our chat tonight?

3:09 PM

insignificant trash

basically, 'we challenge you to help this disabled person with no misconceptions'... heh! obstacle course in thirty seconds? chain reaction machines? i can see it. gladiator that shit!

3:09 PM

it should be important to everyone to build a connection, but we have internet and everyone got lazy with videogames and literacy went out of style.

3:09 PM

well, see, i say that's just another pointless restriction that doesn't help anyone, and you're gonna have to let it go someday. but hey, what i say matters, right?

3:10 PM

i knew this would be pointless, and that a phone call, the way i don't want to do it, would be the only option, cause anything i hate and don't want to do has to be my only option in life. oh, i want to live!

3:11 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

Finding ways to cope with our intense feelings can be very challenging. Spending time with the resource I shared as a starting point may help you ease your mind. We are out of time tonight. You can always come back to chat if you ever want to talk to us again, we are here for you 24/7.

3:13 PM

3:13 PM

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3:13 PM

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same stupid shit

 Milanya (Counselor)
Hello, my name is Milanya, and welcome to the chat. Are you comfortable sharing a name with me so I can better support you today?
1:58 PM
insignificant trash
i'm going to kill myself very soon. i cannot get the help i need. i'm just trying to start my own film company, and it has to be this discouraging because i'm physically disabled and traumatized with no coordination with tech, extreme social issues, everyone expects me to be perfect and undamaged and capable of doing everything alone, i have no interest in doing anything alone, the more everyone forces that on me, "independence", the more i want to kill myself and leave this pathetic heartless world. i'm ozz. not like it matters. my life doesn't matter, nothing i do changes anything. you're not going to get anyone here to help me either, that's illegal, my only option is to keep suffering.
2:00 PM
i just tried craigslist again, resisted putting my head through the wall and destroying all my tech, but ii seriously cannot understand it alone, i can't even focus on the ugly page, i get so lost and confused on it, so now i'm trying meetup again, how much i hate that site, but no one can help me with anything, i'm sick of everyone's cheap excuses.
2:02 PM
all i ever hear is 'no', 'can't', 'i don't know', and 'do it yourself'. next time i hear that, i'm tearing my heart out and throwing it in the street.
2:02 PM
"land of opportunity" my ass. american't doesn't want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity. they couldn't make it more painfully obvious.
2:03 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how overwhelmed you are feeling Ozz, it seems like you have so much weighing down on you right now. Achieving our dreams can be very hard, it's frustrating when we reach out to people for support and the dismiss our feelings.
2:04 PM
insignificant trash
so why should i keep trying? i've tried the seattle dot gov disabled business site, they insist i do everything alone, that they can't get anyone out to me to help me with anything. like that's really never been heard of or done before.
2:04 PM
all i've ever had are vacant friends who i have to beg just to spend any time with me, i'm done with that crap, friends and family are overrated and disappointing, that's all they are, i'm done living around worthless nothing people that think i'm the worthless nothing. i want actors, writers, thinkers, productive people, not judgmental naysayers.
2:06 PM
why should i keep trying?
2:06 PM
why shouldn't i just kill myself right now?
2:07 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It is understandable why you are feeling upset with how you are being treated. You deserve to have support, it's hard when the people we call friends disappoint us. With everything you shared today, I want to check in. Have you done anything today as an attempt to end your life?
2:09 PM
insignificant trash
besides the hunger strike? i still fail to see why it's anyone's business who's not going to care and intervene. if no one's gonna save my meaningless life, they don't need to know. people have to earn that information from me.
2:11 PM
this 'no lives matter' policy really makes me want to live.
2:12 PM
oh, sorry, i misspoke, only rich lives matter.
2:13 PM
tell me why i shouldn't just kill myself right now.
2:13 PM
ain't no way outta this nightmare hell, no one's capable of caring enough or being human enough.
2:14 PM
everyone's too restricted to care about me or help me find a friend. too many cheap excuses and fortune cookies and selfhelp pamphlets and propaganda to throw around.
2:15 PM
why should i keep trying?
2:15 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how angry you are about being mistreated and the lack of support being offered to you. Coping with suicidal thoughts is not easy and you've shown great strength tonight reaching out for support. I want to help you as best as I can tonight, are you going to attempt suicide today?
2:15 PM
insignificant trash
if you help get someone here, i shouldn't have to, but if no one helps me, what reason do i have to keep living? that's what no one is understanding: i don't want to die, i don't want to kill myself, i don't want my life to end, i just overcame a decade of homelessness a year ago, to get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help? genius, right? here's the rub! pay attention! i don't want to die, but what other choice do i have? what option am i left with? to keep suffering? to keep being voiceless? powerless? and people tell me 'that's just the way it is', which is a shitty, ancient, outdated excuse, to which i respond 'only until we invent the solution', to which those people just stare at me! what documentary needs to be made here? like society has never heard of this problem before, they have what i call 'cry wolf syndrome' which means scream all you want, protest all you want, help hasn't been invented yet and we're too lazy to do it!
2:19 PM
saying that changes nothing.
2:20 PM
and i'm supposed to want to live? why?
2:20 PM
why do you think you have a suicide hotline in the first place? because everyone's perfect and happy?
2:21 PM
keep the poor suffering one more day, right? that's the fuel the world runs on! keep the status quo!
2:23 PM
keep the illusions up so they keep shoppin!
2:23 PM
pay no attention to the scam behind the screen!
2:23 PM
tell you what, you give me a reason to live, i'll tell you if it's worth considering. or, as one of my favourite metal bands, life of agony, once said, 'give me one good reason to live, i'll give you three to die'.
2:25 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I appreciate you being open and truthful with me Ozz about how you are feeling. You have soo much on your mind and it sounds like these thoughts have been weighing on your mind for a while now. Life is hard, and it's understandable why you are angry but suicide is not an option we can take back. I want to get a better understanding of the situation. Have you made plans tonight to attempt suicide?
2:27 PM
insignificant trash
impress me, cause i'm on my way out. this body's hitting the eject button soon no matter what i do. my life never mattered. my mother's life (she died seven years ago from nurse negligence), or my kids (stolen by cps), even quantum physics says nothing matters, so impress me, why should i keep trying?
2:27 PM
who says i wanna take it back? this life is what i wanna take back, i've got my receipt for this shitty ride right here.
2:27 PM
that's really all you're gonna care about, isn't it? whether i have a plan or not? i'm not allowed to keep spontaneity as my plan in the back of my mind because no one else has done that yet, right? i'm too unique to exist, is that it?
2:29 PM
that makes me wanna live.
2:29 PM
i'm too poor to have a plan, too uncoordinated and traumatized that i can't plan anything ever, and that's just unacceptable, you can't conceive of that, right?
2:30 PM
probably the only thing i can actually afford to plan in my life is the end of it, and the fact that i'm trying desperately not to, that's just not worth anything to anyone. boy, i so totally want to keep living in this elementary school world that can't even accept my existence, this is great. i couldn't feel more alone.
2:31 PM
is this all we're ever going for here? to categorize me? pigeonhole me? make me be someone i'm not? stuff me into every mold besides my own? i'll never be good enough? not human enough? i know what box society wants me in.
2:34 PM
i want a solution to this nightmare before this little chat ends. that's what i want. that's what i expect every time i come here, and until you're doing that for anyone, you're not qualified to help anyone. i don't think your boss' bosses get that. i think your intention is to keep people suicidal and suffering, i see no evidence to the contrary.
2:35 PM
i'm typing up a book over here. every time. and it never matters, never changes anything, i'm still suffering today.
2:36 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can only imagine how anxious you are feeling right now with an overflow of emotions and thoughts. Sometimes when we have a lot on our shoulders our thoughts can race which can be nerve-wracking. If you are okay with it, we can explore alternatives to help keep you safe tonight. That has me wondering if you are willing to chat about some helpful alternatives to keep you safe tonight.
2:36 PM
insignificant trash
gonna wake up alone tomorrow.
2:36 PM
if you're only concerned with helping me through tonight so i can keep suffering tomorrow, instead of helping end my suffering tomorrow, why should we even play this stupid childish little game? am i wrong to expect more than this?
2:37 PM
the only option i'm willing to accept is y'all getting someone compassionate into my life, which, as i've said, society acts like they've never heard of, never thought of, so i'm predicting that it won't happen, nothing i really truly need will be done because everything is a compromise on my end, keep suffering another day, that's the only solution here, we cannot find anyone for you, even with internet and eight billion people on this planet and telescopes orbiting this galactic toilet.
2:39 PM
out of eight billion heartless assholes and hillbilly trailer trash, we cannot possibly find one person to love you. cause we're humans, we're ready for the aliens to land! oh, crap, here they are, hide the poverty!
2:41 PM
i'll just be honest with you right now, absolutely nothing you're capable of doing is going to get me through this night at all, whatsoever, period. it's me who gets through every miserable day alone, so don't try taking any credit for that. just do what you can to help get someone in my life, unless you're too restricted with cheap excuses, in which case... fff. i'm still suffering. no change. go humans! pat on the back time! we saved one life, now on to number two! we just earned our place on this planet while we're on the precipice of scientific breakthrough, hashtag tweet this!
2:44 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It's understandable why you are feeling emotionally drained and hurt by everything you have been through. It sounds like you would like some companionship. Sometimes it can be helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a therapist, which has me wondering if you are interested in that option.
2:44 PM
insignificant trash
you're too restricted to get me through this night.
2:44 PM
oh, companion, volunteer, girlfriend, prostitute, homeless lady, disabled lady, i truly don't care as long as it's not another hostile male. and oh, start the tweeting, every time i say that, i see where everyone's indoctrinated paranoid minds go, assuming i'm just like every other male, yeah, lovin' that, fellow humans!
2:46 PM
i'm the only guy not allowed to have a woman because i'm too scary, there's hillbilly trailer trash who have an easier time finding a woman than i do! keep counting the victims, we're learning so much. and me, who's harmless, not a criminal or creep... yeah... lovin life, lord!
2:47 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It sounds like you’re really struggling right now Ozz. It can be more helpful to hear a voice rather than chatting online. Would you like a counselor over here to give you a call right now?
2:48 PM
insignificant trash
no, i live in an antisex, antilove society, every woman i've met hates sex unless it's with mister wallet. the whole decade i was homeless, just trying to get a woman to take me to an open mic or go to a hospital with me.
2:48 PM
i told you i have absolutely zero coordination with this tech, a lot of trauma, inability to focus, i really don't do phone calls, i can barely do this much, i can't make sense of anything because of how visually/artistically horrifying everything is, the lack of artistic vision on the internet, it looks like one big advertisement for a scam, everything i search for i can't find... but yeah, i can keep having phone calls forced on me! no problem! i'd trade this tech for a person right now! i'd rather die than be alone one more day! that doesn't mean anything to anyone! i'm supposed to keep compromising and complying why? for what? peanuts?
2:50 PM
another day of suffering? alone? sounds like such a great deal! where do i sign up? no, i ain't doing another phone call! no one can compromise and come to me, on my level, match me, or truly care. no one reaches out to me. how am i supposed to feel about that? phone calls and emails and links have obviously gotten me so far, right?
2:52 PM
this is all i can handle. this is how i keep myself from screaming and scaring everyone away.
2:53 PM
i've tried valley cities, healthpoint sunset, i've been waiting for a caregiver all year, they just keep stalling with the worst excuses like thinking i'm stupid and don't know. i've scared off three different doctors, chased away a few judgy therapists, still need a caseworker, i need a disability rights advocate but no one knows how to find one, no one knows how to find a volunteer or companion either. i live on planet i don't know! i wouldn't be surprised if that's what aliens call this planet.
2:55 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
Thank you for letting me know Ozz, it sounds like mentioning a phone call with our counselors have upset you and I apologize for that. That was not my intention, I am here to support you tonight as best as I can.
2:55 PM
insignificant trash
all i want is a girlfriend, or to start my film company. i did not want to start my film company alone without a girlfriend, but what choice do i have. so i obviously have to start my company just to meet a woman, cause they'll never reach out to me. if you can't help me do either of these, then i don't need to be here. you understand? how much clearer do i have to be?
2:57 PM
will my life matter tomorrow, or won't it. fuck shakespear, that's the only question that matters right now.
2:58 PM
will i wake up suffering alone tomorrow, or can we two humans smash our skulls together and come up with something unprecedented to end one person's suffering and help start a company to contribute something really cool to society? which is it? will society choose to be losers another day? or will we choose to take a brave step forward toward ending suffering once and for all? like there's any legitimate excuse to keep it going? to keep the rich profiting off our suffering and voicelessness? if a human asked me that, i'd be on board in a heartbeat.
2:59 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
You have every right to want to build connections with others. If you would like I can share a resource that may be helpful with your feelings of loneliness. Spending time with others is a great way to ease our minds.
3:00 PM
insignificant trash
is it anything i have to do alone?
3:01 PM
i mean seriously, i don't think you're getting it, i don't think anyone's getting it, i'm so desperate, i'm willing to fill paper cups at a senior bingo night, i'm willing to hold a camera in a porno, as long as i'm not alone one more day, but there's a lot of crap i can't do, which is everything society wants me to do, like carrying pianos up stairs, i'm physically disabled and i'm tired of everyone denying my disability to comfort themselves.
3:02 PM
but if it involves walking out my front door alone, and walking there alone, if that's truly the only option this planet can collectively accomplish... i'd seriously rather die. i'd rather throw my heart in a fuckin blender if that's really the only option available on this planet right now.
3:03 PM
am i being clear enough yet?
3:04 PM
i haven't felt understood in years. i've been bullied relentlessly, pigeonholed, categorized mercilessly. i'm not allowed to be unique, let alone be me, this world does not want a me, but they really seriously need a me, and i'm tired of arguing about it and other petty, trivial crap, instead of starting my company and hiring someone to run the bitching whining and crying department.
3:05 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can see how concerned you are about having access to relationships that fit your needs. This resource can be very helpful and it has connections to other resources that are available online: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-loneliness
3:06 PM
insignificant trash
you wanna know something really sad? i googled 'cure loneliness'. you can do it yourself, see for yourself. everyone thinks loneliness is what cures loneliness.
3:07 PM
the cure for loneliness is more loneliness. either that, or being mister wallet, mister yacht. i even asked people, what would happen if we cured loneliness? would there be a shortage of yachts? how many people you think have answered that? it's not rhetorical.
3:08 PM
so i have to click that link alone, look at an ugly site alone, figure it out alone, sign up for something alone again, wake up alone tomorrow, keep suffering another day, and maybe, hopefully, someone there will be human enough to care. why does that sound like yesterday's groundhog day show only to me? why can no one see that doing that has not gotten me out of this nightmare yet? when does anyone see that, and what do we have to do for anyone to see that?
3:10 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how challenging life has been for you lately, and that's not easy to cope with. With everything that has been happening lately, it has me wondering about what things have been able to help you feel more at ease on difficult days like today in the past.
3:10 PM
insignificant trash
i used to tell people, my trifecta of therapy was marijuana, menthol and metal. they don't work so well anymore. can't share my spotify playlist with anyone, can't afford weed half the time, let alone a ride to the weed store... i don't see why i'm just supposed to keep enjoying life alone. cause no one can have a solution worth trying. no one can step outside these restrictions to save one life. and that whole 'quality of life' thing, fff! what quality?
3:13 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
You mentioned having a Spotify playlist, music is a great way to help ease our minds and relax. Would you like to try listening to music tonight?
3:14 PM
insignificant trash
another thing that's helped through the years was standup comedy, but these days, i can't even relate to them anymore, all female comedians just talk about how much they hate men and sex, men don't even talk about sex anymore, let alone anything i wanna hear about, like progress, science... so comedians have let me down, my rockstars have let me down, i can't enjoy movies anymore without seeing tons of violence and drugs shoved in my face.
3:15 PM
which is why i wanted to start my own. dude, seriously, everyone can stop acting like i'm such an alien, it's old, i've got music playing twenty four seven, it's all i can do! it's literally all i can do here! i'm stuck to this apartment! walking outside alone makes my muscles tense up too much, i'm stuck here, with no help, no one, nothing! music does not help anymore! nothing helps! a person is needed here! and society just refuses to accept that!
3:17 PM
you know, i shouldn't be surprised. this never gets anyone here. nothing i do, no resources i have tried gets anyone here. there is no way to get anyone here. so... i really don't see why i should wake up tomorrow.
3:18 PM
seriously, if this is the best america can ever do for disabled people, then i wonder what would happen if all disabled people committed mass suicide one day.
3:20 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
Building connections with others is a good way to distract ourselves, and the resource I shared had some helpful information. We have been chatting for a while now and I wanted to check in with you about what you are thinking about doing after our chat ends tonight.
3:21 PM
insignificant trash
i really wish you would stop asking me that. it really makes me feel less than human, dehumanized. i really don't think anyone understands that, but it's a red flag telling me people haven't been suicidal like me so they don't understand... i don't know how much clearer i can be about it. it takes all my strength, all my strength, to keep from slamming my head through that wall, every day, to keep from stabbing that kitchen knife into my heart, every moment i'm alone. i keep asking you, what is the point or purpose in continuing like this? to suffer tomorrow?
3:24 PM
you're obviously not going to care. this is the same elementary shit it was every other time. i shan't expect much outta you, shall i?
3:28 PM
tell your bosses, lives are needing to be saved from suffering every day, and so far, y'all are doin' exactly fuck all to help anyone. that's wrong and you know it, you know you could be doing so much more, it's only a matter of time till you get competition. (like it's sad enough the suicide hotline is a monopoly too, you almost want it to be a multilevel marketing scheme, right? like that would actually justify its failure more?).
3:30 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can only imagine how hard it's been for you lately struggling with thoughts of suicide. Before we end our chat here tonight I want to get a better understanding of your plans, are you going to attempt suicide today?
3:30 PM
insignificant trash
have you earned that information yet?
3:31 PM
i understand why your policy has you ask that crap, i'm telling you, you gotta stop, that's the last approach suicidal people want. it renders any conversation disingenuous. do you understand?
3:32 PM
that's why suicide hotline should be run by people who have been suicidal. we understand something you clearly do not. which just makes you look unqualified to the rest of us. will anyone ever understand that, or is it truly just me? am i really that alone in this shitty stupid pathetic playpen world?
3:33 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It was my pleasure to chat with you today Ozz, we talked about some great ways to help you feel at ease like listening to music and exploring that resource I shared. I am going to let you go do that now. You can always come back to chat if you ever want to talk to us again, we are here for you 24/7.
3:34 PM
3:34 PM
This chat has ended.
For immediate assistance, please call 1-800-273-8255 or refresh the page to rejoin the queue.
3:34 PM
Thank you for visiting. Help us improve this experience by sharing your feedback. (i do. it does nothing, changes nothing).

i have survived in spontaneity and lack of foundation or support for longer than i care to remember, and there simply is no understanding that. ever.

really gives me a lot of confidence in these "resources".