same stupid shit

 Milanya (Counselor)
Hello, my name is Milanya, and welcome to the chat. Are you comfortable sharing a name with me so I can better support you today?
1:58 PM
insignificant trash
i'm going to kill myself very soon. i cannot get the help i need. i'm just trying to start my own film company, and it has to be this discouraging because i'm physically disabled and traumatized with no coordination with tech, extreme social issues, everyone expects me to be perfect and undamaged and capable of doing everything alone, i have no interest in doing anything alone, the more everyone forces that on me, "independence", the more i want to kill myself and leave this pathetic heartless world. i'm ozz. not like it matters. my life doesn't matter, nothing i do changes anything. you're not going to get anyone here to help me either, that's illegal, my only option is to keep suffering.
2:00 PM
i just tried craigslist again, resisted putting my head through the wall and destroying all my tech, but ii seriously cannot understand it alone, i can't even focus on the ugly page, i get so lost and confused on it, so now i'm trying meetup again, how much i hate that site, but no one can help me with anything, i'm sick of everyone's cheap excuses.
2:02 PM
all i ever hear is 'no', 'can't', 'i don't know', and 'do it yourself'. next time i hear that, i'm tearing my heart out and throwing it in the street.
2:02 PM
"land of opportunity" my ass. american't doesn't want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity. they couldn't make it more painfully obvious.
2:03 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how overwhelmed you are feeling Ozz, it seems like you have so much weighing down on you right now. Achieving our dreams can be very hard, it's frustrating when we reach out to people for support and the dismiss our feelings.
2:04 PM
insignificant trash
so why should i keep trying? i've tried the seattle dot gov disabled business site, they insist i do everything alone, that they can't get anyone out to me to help me with anything. like that's really never been heard of or done before.
2:04 PM
all i've ever had are vacant friends who i have to beg just to spend any time with me, i'm done with that crap, friends and family are overrated and disappointing, that's all they are, i'm done living around worthless nothing people that think i'm the worthless nothing. i want actors, writers, thinkers, productive people, not judgmental naysayers.
2:06 PM
why should i keep trying?
2:06 PM
why shouldn't i just kill myself right now?
2:07 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It is understandable why you are feeling upset with how you are being treated. You deserve to have support, it's hard when the people we call friends disappoint us. With everything you shared today, I want to check in. Have you done anything today as an attempt to end your life?
2:09 PM
insignificant trash
besides the hunger strike? i still fail to see why it's anyone's business who's not going to care and intervene. if no one's gonna save my meaningless life, they don't need to know. people have to earn that information from me.
2:11 PM
this 'no lives matter' policy really makes me want to live.
2:12 PM
oh, sorry, i misspoke, only rich lives matter.
2:13 PM
tell me why i shouldn't just kill myself right now.
2:13 PM
ain't no way outta this nightmare hell, no one's capable of caring enough or being human enough.
2:14 PM
everyone's too restricted to care about me or help me find a friend. too many cheap excuses and fortune cookies and selfhelp pamphlets and propaganda to throw around.
2:15 PM
why should i keep trying?
2:15 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how angry you are about being mistreated and the lack of support being offered to you. Coping with suicidal thoughts is not easy and you've shown great strength tonight reaching out for support. I want to help you as best as I can tonight, are you going to attempt suicide today?
2:15 PM
insignificant trash
if you help get someone here, i shouldn't have to, but if no one helps me, what reason do i have to keep living? that's what no one is understanding: i don't want to die, i don't want to kill myself, i don't want my life to end, i just overcame a decade of homelessness a year ago, to get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help? genius, right? here's the rub! pay attention! i don't want to die, but what other choice do i have? what option am i left with? to keep suffering? to keep being voiceless? powerless? and people tell me 'that's just the way it is', which is a shitty, ancient, outdated excuse, to which i respond 'only until we invent the solution', to which those people just stare at me! what documentary needs to be made here? like society has never heard of this problem before, they have what i call 'cry wolf syndrome' which means scream all you want, protest all you want, help hasn't been invented yet and we're too lazy to do it!
2:19 PM
saying that changes nothing.
2:20 PM
and i'm supposed to want to live? why?
2:20 PM
why do you think you have a suicide hotline in the first place? because everyone's perfect and happy?
2:21 PM
keep the poor suffering one more day, right? that's the fuel the world runs on! keep the status quo!
2:23 PM
keep the illusions up so they keep shoppin!
2:23 PM
pay no attention to the scam behind the screen!
2:23 PM
tell you what, you give me a reason to live, i'll tell you if it's worth considering. or, as one of my favourite metal bands, life of agony, once said, 'give me one good reason to live, i'll give you three to die'.
2:25 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I appreciate you being open and truthful with me Ozz about how you are feeling. You have soo much on your mind and it sounds like these thoughts have been weighing on your mind for a while now. Life is hard, and it's understandable why you are angry but suicide is not an option we can take back. I want to get a better understanding of the situation. Have you made plans tonight to attempt suicide?
2:27 PM
insignificant trash
impress me, cause i'm on my way out. this body's hitting the eject button soon no matter what i do. my life never mattered. my mother's life (she died seven years ago from nurse negligence), or my kids (stolen by cps), even quantum physics says nothing matters, so impress me, why should i keep trying?
2:27 PM
who says i wanna take it back? this life is what i wanna take back, i've got my receipt for this shitty ride right here.
2:27 PM
that's really all you're gonna care about, isn't it? whether i have a plan or not? i'm not allowed to keep spontaneity as my plan in the back of my mind because no one else has done that yet, right? i'm too unique to exist, is that it?
2:29 PM
that makes me wanna live.
2:29 PM
i'm too poor to have a plan, too uncoordinated and traumatized that i can't plan anything ever, and that's just unacceptable, you can't conceive of that, right?
2:30 PM
probably the only thing i can actually afford to plan in my life is the end of it, and the fact that i'm trying desperately not to, that's just not worth anything to anyone. boy, i so totally want to keep living in this elementary school world that can't even accept my existence, this is great. i couldn't feel more alone.
2:31 PM
is this all we're ever going for here? to categorize me? pigeonhole me? make me be someone i'm not? stuff me into every mold besides my own? i'll never be good enough? not human enough? i know what box society wants me in.
2:34 PM
i want a solution to this nightmare before this little chat ends. that's what i want. that's what i expect every time i come here, and until you're doing that for anyone, you're not qualified to help anyone. i don't think your boss' bosses get that. i think your intention is to keep people suicidal and suffering, i see no evidence to the contrary.
2:35 PM
i'm typing up a book over here. every time. and it never matters, never changes anything, i'm still suffering today.
2:36 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can only imagine how anxious you are feeling right now with an overflow of emotions and thoughts. Sometimes when we have a lot on our shoulders our thoughts can race which can be nerve-wracking. If you are okay with it, we can explore alternatives to help keep you safe tonight. That has me wondering if you are willing to chat about some helpful alternatives to keep you safe tonight.
2:36 PM
insignificant trash
gonna wake up alone tomorrow.
2:36 PM
if you're only concerned with helping me through tonight so i can keep suffering tomorrow, instead of helping end my suffering tomorrow, why should we even play this stupid childish little game? am i wrong to expect more than this?
2:37 PM
the only option i'm willing to accept is y'all getting someone compassionate into my life, which, as i've said, society acts like they've never heard of, never thought of, so i'm predicting that it won't happen, nothing i really truly need will be done because everything is a compromise on my end, keep suffering another day, that's the only solution here, we cannot find anyone for you, even with internet and eight billion people on this planet and telescopes orbiting this galactic toilet.
2:39 PM
out of eight billion heartless assholes and hillbilly trailer trash, we cannot possibly find one person to love you. cause we're humans, we're ready for the aliens to land! oh, crap, here they are, hide the poverty!
2:41 PM
i'll just be honest with you right now, absolutely nothing you're capable of doing is going to get me through this night at all, whatsoever, period. it's me who gets through every miserable day alone, so don't try taking any credit for that. just do what you can to help get someone in my life, unless you're too restricted with cheap excuses, in which case... fff. i'm still suffering. no change. go humans! pat on the back time! we saved one life, now on to number two! we just earned our place on this planet while we're on the precipice of scientific breakthrough, hashtag tweet this!
2:44 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It's understandable why you are feeling emotionally drained and hurt by everything you have been through. It sounds like you would like some companionship. Sometimes it can be helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a therapist, which has me wondering if you are interested in that option.
2:44 PM
insignificant trash
you're too restricted to get me through this night.
2:44 PM
oh, companion, volunteer, girlfriend, prostitute, homeless lady, disabled lady, i truly don't care as long as it's not another hostile male. and oh, start the tweeting, every time i say that, i see where everyone's indoctrinated paranoid minds go, assuming i'm just like every other male, yeah, lovin' that, fellow humans!
2:46 PM
i'm the only guy not allowed to have a woman because i'm too scary, there's hillbilly trailer trash who have an easier time finding a woman than i do! keep counting the victims, we're learning so much. and me, who's harmless, not a criminal or creep... yeah... lovin life, lord!
2:47 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It sounds like you’re really struggling right now Ozz. It can be more helpful to hear a voice rather than chatting online. Would you like a counselor over here to give you a call right now?
2:48 PM
insignificant trash
no, i live in an antisex, antilove society, every woman i've met hates sex unless it's with mister wallet. the whole decade i was homeless, just trying to get a woman to take me to an open mic or go to a hospital with me.
2:48 PM
i told you i have absolutely zero coordination with this tech, a lot of trauma, inability to focus, i really don't do phone calls, i can barely do this much, i can't make sense of anything because of how visually/artistically horrifying everything is, the lack of artistic vision on the internet, it looks like one big advertisement for a scam, everything i search for i can't find... but yeah, i can keep having phone calls forced on me! no problem! i'd trade this tech for a person right now! i'd rather die than be alone one more day! that doesn't mean anything to anyone! i'm supposed to keep compromising and complying why? for what? peanuts?
2:50 PM
another day of suffering? alone? sounds like such a great deal! where do i sign up? no, i ain't doing another phone call! no one can compromise and come to me, on my level, match me, or truly care. no one reaches out to me. how am i supposed to feel about that? phone calls and emails and links have obviously gotten me so far, right?
2:52 PM
this is all i can handle. this is how i keep myself from screaming and scaring everyone away.
2:53 PM
i've tried valley cities, healthpoint sunset, i've been waiting for a caregiver all year, they just keep stalling with the worst excuses like thinking i'm stupid and don't know. i've scared off three different doctors, chased away a few judgy therapists, still need a caseworker, i need a disability rights advocate but no one knows how to find one, no one knows how to find a volunteer or companion either. i live on planet i don't know! i wouldn't be surprised if that's what aliens call this planet.
2:55 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
Thank you for letting me know Ozz, it sounds like mentioning a phone call with our counselors have upset you and I apologize for that. That was not my intention, I am here to support you tonight as best as I can.
2:55 PM
insignificant trash
all i want is a girlfriend, or to start my film company. i did not want to start my film company alone without a girlfriend, but what choice do i have. so i obviously have to start my company just to meet a woman, cause they'll never reach out to me. if you can't help me do either of these, then i don't need to be here. you understand? how much clearer do i have to be?
2:57 PM
will my life matter tomorrow, or won't it. fuck shakespear, that's the only question that matters right now.
2:58 PM
will i wake up suffering alone tomorrow, or can we two humans smash our skulls together and come up with something unprecedented to end one person's suffering and help start a company to contribute something really cool to society? which is it? will society choose to be losers another day? or will we choose to take a brave step forward toward ending suffering once and for all? like there's any legitimate excuse to keep it going? to keep the rich profiting off our suffering and voicelessness? if a human asked me that, i'd be on board in a heartbeat.
2:59 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
You have every right to want to build connections with others. If you would like I can share a resource that may be helpful with your feelings of loneliness. Spending time with others is a great way to ease our minds.
3:00 PM
insignificant trash
is it anything i have to do alone?
3:01 PM
i mean seriously, i don't think you're getting it, i don't think anyone's getting it, i'm so desperate, i'm willing to fill paper cups at a senior bingo night, i'm willing to hold a camera in a porno, as long as i'm not alone one more day, but there's a lot of crap i can't do, which is everything society wants me to do, like carrying pianos up stairs, i'm physically disabled and i'm tired of everyone denying my disability to comfort themselves.
3:02 PM
but if it involves walking out my front door alone, and walking there alone, if that's truly the only option this planet can collectively accomplish... i'd seriously rather die. i'd rather throw my heart in a fuckin blender if that's really the only option available on this planet right now.
3:03 PM
am i being clear enough yet?
3:04 PM
i haven't felt understood in years. i've been bullied relentlessly, pigeonholed, categorized mercilessly. i'm not allowed to be unique, let alone be me, this world does not want a me, but they really seriously need a me, and i'm tired of arguing about it and other petty, trivial crap, instead of starting my company and hiring someone to run the bitching whining and crying department.
3:05 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can see how concerned you are about having access to relationships that fit your needs. This resource can be very helpful and it has connections to other resources that are available online: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-loneliness
3:06 PM
insignificant trash
you wanna know something really sad? i googled 'cure loneliness'. you can do it yourself, see for yourself. everyone thinks loneliness is what cures loneliness.
3:07 PM
the cure for loneliness is more loneliness. either that, or being mister wallet, mister yacht. i even asked people, what would happen if we cured loneliness? would there be a shortage of yachts? how many people you think have answered that? it's not rhetorical.
3:08 PM
so i have to click that link alone, look at an ugly site alone, figure it out alone, sign up for something alone again, wake up alone tomorrow, keep suffering another day, and maybe, hopefully, someone there will be human enough to care. why does that sound like yesterday's groundhog day show only to me? why can no one see that doing that has not gotten me out of this nightmare yet? when does anyone see that, and what do we have to do for anyone to see that?
3:10 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can hear how challenging life has been for you lately, and that's not easy to cope with. With everything that has been happening lately, it has me wondering about what things have been able to help you feel more at ease on difficult days like today in the past.
3:10 PM
insignificant trash
i used to tell people, my trifecta of therapy was marijuana, menthol and metal. they don't work so well anymore. can't share my spotify playlist with anyone, can't afford weed half the time, let alone a ride to the weed store... i don't see why i'm just supposed to keep enjoying life alone. cause no one can have a solution worth trying. no one can step outside these restrictions to save one life. and that whole 'quality of life' thing, fff! what quality?
3:13 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
You mentioned having a Spotify playlist, music is a great way to help ease our minds and relax. Would you like to try listening to music tonight?
3:14 PM
insignificant trash
another thing that's helped through the years was standup comedy, but these days, i can't even relate to them anymore, all female comedians just talk about how much they hate men and sex, men don't even talk about sex anymore, let alone anything i wanna hear about, like progress, science... so comedians have let me down, my rockstars have let me down, i can't enjoy movies anymore without seeing tons of violence and drugs shoved in my face.
3:15 PM
which is why i wanted to start my own. dude, seriously, everyone can stop acting like i'm such an alien, it's old, i've got music playing twenty four seven, it's all i can do! it's literally all i can do here! i'm stuck to this apartment! walking outside alone makes my muscles tense up too much, i'm stuck here, with no help, no one, nothing! music does not help anymore! nothing helps! a person is needed here! and society just refuses to accept that!
3:17 PM
you know, i shouldn't be surprised. this never gets anyone here. nothing i do, no resources i have tried gets anyone here. there is no way to get anyone here. so... i really don't see why i should wake up tomorrow.
3:18 PM
seriously, if this is the best america can ever do for disabled people, then i wonder what would happen if all disabled people committed mass suicide one day.
3:20 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
Building connections with others is a good way to distract ourselves, and the resource I shared had some helpful information. We have been chatting for a while now and I wanted to check in with you about what you are thinking about doing after our chat ends tonight.
3:21 PM
insignificant trash
i really wish you would stop asking me that. it really makes me feel less than human, dehumanized. i really don't think anyone understands that, but it's a red flag telling me people haven't been suicidal like me so they don't understand... i don't know how much clearer i can be about it. it takes all my strength, all my strength, to keep from slamming my head through that wall, every day, to keep from stabbing that kitchen knife into my heart, every moment i'm alone. i keep asking you, what is the point or purpose in continuing like this? to suffer tomorrow?
3:24 PM
you're obviously not going to care. this is the same elementary shit it was every other time. i shan't expect much outta you, shall i?
3:28 PM
tell your bosses, lives are needing to be saved from suffering every day, and so far, y'all are doin' exactly fuck all to help anyone. that's wrong and you know it, you know you could be doing so much more, it's only a matter of time till you get competition. (like it's sad enough the suicide hotline is a monopoly too, you almost want it to be a multilevel marketing scheme, right? like that would actually justify its failure more?).
3:30 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
I can only imagine how hard it's been for you lately struggling with thoughts of suicide. Before we end our chat here tonight I want to get a better understanding of your plans, are you going to attempt suicide today?
3:30 PM
insignificant trash
have you earned that information yet?
3:31 PM
i understand why your policy has you ask that crap, i'm telling you, you gotta stop, that's the last approach suicidal people want. it renders any conversation disingenuous. do you understand?
3:32 PM
that's why suicide hotline should be run by people who have been suicidal. we understand something you clearly do not. which just makes you look unqualified to the rest of us. will anyone ever understand that, or is it truly just me? am i really that alone in this shitty stupid pathetic playpen world?
3:33 PM
Milanya (Counselor)
It was my pleasure to chat with you today Ozz, we talked about some great ways to help you feel at ease like listening to music and exploring that resource I shared. I am going to let you go do that now. You can always come back to chat if you ever want to talk to us again, we are here for you 24/7.
3:34 PM
3:34 PM
This chat has ended.
For immediate assistance, please call 1-800-273-8255 or refresh the page to rejoin the queue.
3:34 PM
Thank you for visiting. Help us improve this experience by sharing your feedback. (i do. it does nothing, changes nothing).

i have survived in spontaneity and lack of foundation or support for longer than i care to remember, and there simply is no understanding that. ever.

really gives me a lot of confidence in these "resources".