https://youtu.be/k8QmBmcXetg

 i'm physically disabled with complex ptsd and severe depression, just overcame a decade of homelessness with section eight a year ago, i'm on disability, no friends or family, trying to start my own film company and cannot get anyone to care about me, i'm stuck to my apartment, can't emotionally handle busses and not coordinated enough to use the internet or social media, they fail me daily, i don't have the emotional capacity to handle doing anything alone, i'm sick of being alone, having no connection to anyone, no one trying to understand me or accepting me as i am, i love myself, but why does it have to be this difficult? i've invested in friendships and no one reciprocates, i don't know what else to do, i've tried everything,  if i could get help starting my company, this would all be over, but they have to keep stalling, keep the poor suffering another day, no one cares, the excuses they keep using, like if they have to do one thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, that needs to stop, or that i'm too angry, i'm so sick of that, i'm allowed to be a metalhead, if they'd listen to my spotify playlist or my youtoob playlist, read the lyrics, listen, pay attention, invest time, but they just can't and won't and don't. does american't want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity? what would happen if we cured loneliness, would there be a shortage of yachts? how many more days do i have to suffer this way? in invisibility? dismissed, degraded, disrespected, dehumanized? i want to contribute something really cool to society, and no one can care? what does it take to get someone to care? this social quicksand nightmare agony hell just will not die, i can't sue my way out of it. obscurity. ostracized. i could throw a thesaurus around this planet, how perfect and undamaged and ablebodied am i supposed to be, how sane am i supposed to stay? society can keep being classist and ableist and no one's going to change that? people keep telling me, as if it's some legitimate justification that 'it's just the way it is', to which i respond 'only until we invent the solution' and no one can see the gravity in that statement. is everyone truly this apathetic and content? i've been bullied and judged and criticized so much i'm losing myself, it's taken a serious toll on me. the resources are all too restricted to help me, they just keep stalling and throwing cheap excuses at me, i can't do this anymore. i'm forty four. i feel like i'm pushing myself to a heart attack just trying to get legitimate help, but no one knows what help means, they keep forcing "independence" on me and refusing to understand i have no interest in that, yes, i want stability, i'm begging for that, but i do not want loneliness, i'm emotionally nauseous, i need someone to just take the wheel and get me to stability so i can purge in a productive way, no one will understand that and just take the wheel, get this crap i can't do done so i can finally heal, i'm gonna get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help. they need to stop acting like i'm not supposed to be disabled, they need to stop acting like they have to use my legs for me, they need to stop acting like i'm crazy and angry and not human enough to help, they need to stop delaying and stalling and throwing excuses, i need a caregiver, a caseworker, a doctor, a mentor, a disability rights advocate, but no one knows how to get any of those or that they even exist, even cops tell me they don't know what those are, then how have i heard of them? i also need a caseworker through social security which i should have had the whole time i've been on disability, but no one ever told me till recently, and i have stopped asking for volunteers and companions, those are unicorns partying with santa clause and will farrell and will farrell ate my invitation. does my life matter or not? when is anyone going to even see me let alone care? am i blacklisted by big tech? can i sue my way out of this? does anyone care? is anyone ever going to care? you won't even see this comment, let alone care enough to help me, you'll just say the same broken record bullshit, all i ever hear is 'no', 'can't', 'i don't know', and 'do it yourself'. those are triggers for me and i wish i could sue every person who says them. all i need are people. actual people. employees. people start companies all the time, but no one knows how to start one? really? my disbelief is at war with this fictional reality! i understand quantum physics better than i understand money! money is poison and no one else can see it! what would happen when you take money out of the equation? like the bank and guns are the be all end all to human communication on this planet and we'll never do any better! jobs are being automated, universal basic income is inevitable, i'm an imaginal cell and no one will even google that or listen to the machine head song! let alone understand it! i've had my patented wall of text rant fomula called "diatribes" more times than i care to count by my family and recently the christian idiot who housed me, i've been physically overpowered by cops more times than i care to count, i've learned to never tell anyone if i'm suicidal or not because i've been strapped to tables forced to cry myself to sleep more times than i care to count because that's how we treat suicidal people, thorazine and lobotomies, it's barbaric and no one's doing anything, but the one guy who knows what to do, do not listen to him! he's crazy! be scared and run for cover and never listen to the otep song telling you to! never listen to george carlin or terence mckenna or anyone! what do i have to do to get your attention and get you to care about me? and i'm tired of hearing "you have to care about people first", because i obviously haven't tried that! every excuse to not reach out to me first! i have to do all the reaching out and losing limbs and at this point it feels like a bunch of children standing around an alligator saying 'just keep sticking your hands in there, he'll stop chewing eventually'. what did larry the cable guy say to the alligator? gator done! this won't get your attention. this will never be seen. no one will ever care. this nightmare will never end. i don't deserve anyone in  my life. prove me wrong. don't  just say i'm wrong, show your proof. actions speak louder than words. write that down.