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Milanya (Counselor)

Hello, my name is Milanya, and welcome to the chat. I see that you are having suicidal thoughts which can be very overwhelming to handle. If you are comfortable, tell me about your thoughts of suicide.

1:55 PM

insignificant trash

suicide is my only option. i'm intent on killing myself tonight if i can't get the help i need. i've got a kitchen knife right here. and you're not going to help me. so i don't know why i'm even trying here, you won't help me. you're too restricted and not compassionate or human enough. your idea of helping is strapping me down to another table. making my life worse, not better. and insisting i do everything myself and calling it help. just like everyone else does to me. so why should i keep living? why should i delay the inevitable? i'm physically disabled, complex ptsd, my body's dying soon anyway. i just wanted to start my own company, but american't clearly does not want disabled people to accomplish anything in the land of no poortunity. in fact, i think you're the same heartless asshole i talked to last time, a few days ago. you're aware this shit doesn't help anyone, right?

1:56 PM

i need a person here. i need to not be alone. but that's all society wants to force on me. i watch videos where people are actually talking about trauma and loneliness and they say it's unhealthy to be alone like this, isolated, ignored, dismissed. but no one cares, i can't even get anyone else around me to watch those videos. so what's the point? nothing matters. that's your policy. a wall i'll never get through.

2:00 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now, I can hear how hopeless you are feeling with so much weighing down on you. I want to support you as best as I can today. I want to check in on your safety, have you done anything already as an attempt to end your life today?

2:01 PM

insignificant trash

look, let's not act like i'm an elementary school student here incapable of thinking for myself, that's the first big way y'all trigger me every time. let's not do that today, okay?

2:03 PM

give me a little dignity, don't just categorize me. i know a little respect is too much to ask of this egocentric species.

2:04 PM

i want someone here. that's all i want. whatever law you have to break to get someone here. i don't fucking care anymore. i'm sick of being alone against my will, having no fucking way to connect with anyone, having internet and social media fail me every day, and no one cares. i need an end to this nightmare, and if you won't help end it, i will.

2:05 PM

i'm tired of suffering. suicide is my only option. the only option you're leaving me with since "rescue" is just too expensive!

2:05 PM

i could not want to die, to leave this world, more than i do right now. i cannot wait to leave this pathetic world. the way you treat your disabled people is atrocious.

2:06 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It's understandable why questions about suicidal ideations can be very triggering. With everything you've shared I want to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. It seems like you've been having thoughts of suicide for a while now which can be very hard to cope with. I want you to know that reaching out for support takes great strength.

2:08 PM

insignificant trash

so... if you can't get someone here... someone without a badge... in fact, i'm gonna paint in blood on my front door, "BOOBS NOT BADGES!!!", see if that makes any difference or blocks the heartless fascism out.

2:08 PM

i've had so many reasons to be deeply, aggressively suicidal for most my life, nothing's changing that. you're just gonna have to get used to it. reaching out for support doesn't take the strength, it's being alone through every day that takes strength i don't have. why can no one else realize that? why does everyone act like loneliness is everyone's only option in society? when do we evolve past this adolescent crap?

2:10 PM

is my life ever going to matter to anyone other than me?

2:10 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I'm hearing how agitated you are and it's understandable why you are frustrated. When we are feeling angry it's common for our thoughts to race which makes it difficult to ease our minds. What you are going through is not easy, and it has me feeling concerned for you. I want to check in, are you going to attempt suicide tonight?

2:13 PM

2:15 PM

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Milanya (Counselor)

Hello, checking in to see if you are available to chat.

2:19 PM

insignificant trash

yeah...

2:19 PM

when i'm trying to do shit like this, that's when the world decides they wanna fuckin talk to me, just to make my day worse, to overload and overwhelm me, because i have no choice but to do this shit alone, so of course i have to do twenty things at once alone, and there's only one of me, great joke, lord!

2:20 PM

the rest of the day, the rest of the week, it's dead silence, nothing from anyone. as soon as i open some shit like this, "HEY!!!". like it's not planned by a deadbeat god. just to torture me more. i wanna fuckin die so bad. i want to leave this nightmare hell.

2:21 PM

i've already answered your categorizing question, i'm not going to answer it again, you gotta stop doing that shit to me. i'm a different kind of fuckin human here! sick of being pigeonholed and assumed i'm just like everyone else, i'm so sick of the constant relentless misconceptions with absolutely no mediation! when the fuck do we grow the fuck up! do i matter or not?!

2:23 PM

do physically disabled people deserve help or not? which is it? how long will it take to get me the help i need? is it even possible?

2:24 PM

i'm willing to pay for a caregiver. i need a disability rights advocate yesterday. i need a mentor. i've given up on asking for volunteers and companions, those fuckin unicorns are like me, they don't fuckin exist! they're off partying with fuckin santa and will farrell! i think will farrell ate my invitation! like schrodinger's cat ate pavlov's dog with occam's razor. oh, that's right, i thought i was funny.

2:26 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see how much all of these intense worries have been affecting you lately. It sounds like there has been so much weighing on your mind for a while now and that has me wondering about what plans you have had made that you think you might use to end you life with.

2:27 PM

insignificant trash

how many times are you gonna ask me that fucking question, when i keep saying it's a fucking disrespectful pigeonholing categorizing dehumanizing degrading fucking trigger for me!!! i have no fucking solid answer for it and that should be seen as a fucking good thing! stop fucking asking!!! let's get to how you can get someone here to help me out of this social quicksand nightmare agony fuckin hell!!! can we do that? is that breaking any rules or cracking the fucking earth?

2:29 PM

fuck!

2:29 PM

i told you i have a kitchen knife right here and i will stab it into my fucking chest if i do not get the help i need! make me repeat myself again, it really makes me want to live!

2:30 PM

i know my life matters when i have to repeat shit i said when i was a fucking teenager! shit that's so easily googlable! that's my life career, fucking information kiosk for the stupid! yeah, i wanna live! i'd feel more useful as a walmart greeter!

2:31 PM

i cannot be understood, so why keep trying?

2:31 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see that you are feeling very upset today however you are not allowed to use language like swearing and abusive language towards me or other counselors while talking to us. If you continue with the swearing and abusive language then I will have to end the chat immediately. Do you understand?

2:35 PM

insignificant trash

i'm fairly sure i have colon cancer, but can't even get a doctor to give a shiny rainbow human goatfuck about me enough to tell me. i'm also fairly certain i'm going to have a heart attack soon, that i'm just pushing myself to a heart attack trying to get help. i'm also fairly certain i have either lung cancer or throat cancer or both. i have genetic structural deformities in my knees, gastroparesis, chronic neck and shoulder tension i think is from the trauma, that i can't loosen up and relax anymore, even when i sleep. i wake up exhausted and stressed and depressed and lonely and suicidal and if i wake up alone one more fucking morning not deserving a woman next to me and having to fight this world just to matter, i don't see the point.

2:36 PM

yes, master, i'll be a good submissive little child slave. another reason i want to live in this world made for children. i feel so understood. so connected, so appreciated. i don't know why i'm still here, i just feel like you're not going to help me with anything.

2:38 PM

sick of being beaten down into a tiny little piece of trash. i don't matter.

2:39 PM

i'm just predicting you're gonna do nothing for me. waiting to be surprised. waiting for humanity to show up. holding my breath.

2:40 PM

i also fail to understand why suicidal people aren't allowed to be angry or use adult language, we have to be treated like children until we just can't bare to be in this world anymore... and i wonder why no one's mature enough to help disabled people. i mean just talk about education, all the people i've asked how to start a company don't know. something tells me, if anyone knew how to start a company... heh. that'll never change.

2:42 PM

i seriously think all disabled, traumatized and abused people should just commit mass suicide. do the world a favor. thin the herd. take one for the team. we're obviously just holding everyone back.

2:43 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

You have been through so much and your life experiences have you feeling angry. I can only imagine how devastating that when you reach out for help you feel invalidated. With so much on your shoulders, it's okay to want help.

2:46 PM

insignificant trash

bitter, resentful, don't forget those.

2:46 PM

it's okay to want help, but getting it... should not be this difficult.

2:47 PM

is there any chance of me being loved by a woman tomorrow?

2:47 PM

is there any chance of me being accepted and valued as i am tomorrow?

2:47 PM

i'm gonna get this close to rebuilding my life and die waiting for help and everyone's okay with that.

2:48 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

Those are all valid feelings and they reflect what you've gone through. Having feelings of loneliness can be difficult to shoulder. It sounds like spending time with others is important to you. I can see how really isolated you are feeling at this moment in your life. We have been chatting for a while now, what do you think you are going to do after our chat ends tonight to help yourself get through today?

2:50 PM

insignificant trash

the colon cancer is about to cause diverticulitis, which peter steele of type o negative died of. i can't even relax enough to use a restroom, i cannot eat alone or sleep alone, it's impossible to calm myself, i've tried rubbing my own shoulders, it does nothing. i need someone here, i need a compassionate woman here, and society's just gonna have to compromise and break some rules or something. i can't take this anymore.

2:50 PM

i don't feel any more 'validated' when you say that. just sayin.

2:51 PM

i've been isolated for the last decade at least, doing all the reaching out and getting nothing back, the more i reach out, the less i get back, the more pointless and painful it is to keep reaching out and being rejected left and right.

2:51 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can get how chat can only do so much when we have so many overwhelming situations happening in our lives right now. It sounds like you have so much weighing on you and I can see how much of an effect that has had on you. We have about five minutes left to chat tonight but in moments like these, it can help to hear someone's voice. If you would like to we can set up a follow-up call so that a counselor can give you a call and connect you with resources in your area. How does trying that option sound?

2:54 PM

insignificant trash

i'm getting confused, shaky, and losing focus... please be patient with me. i want to cry so bad, but it just converts to rage, and i don't know what to do with it anymore. i've got no healthy outlet.

2:56 PM

i can't even express how hopeless i get. how vile and empty i feel right now. the void where a woman should be. it makes my heart not want to beat. but society just does not want to help.

2:57 PM

i seriously cannot handle phone calls alone anymore, and that's all anyone wants to do, any substitution for having a person here, any excuse to not get a person here. it's just impossible to get a person here, humanity has never heard of such a thing. i feel like i'm about to puke, and i haven't eaten anything in a few days. the nausea is just overpowering. the neck pain steals my thoughts.

2:59 PM

i've tried all the "resources" in my area. they are all just barricades and dead ends with cheap excuses. i'm sick of hearing them say that if they have to do one thing for me, suddenly they have to do everything for me, and they don't understand how sick that is, or that it doesn't help anyone, they don't care. so i'm trying to bypass those barricades and get a disability rights advocate that no one knows how to get, which is just ironic at this point.

3:00 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

It's hard when we feel trapped and that society is not caring about our experiences. I totally understand that speaking on the phone is difficult for you. I want to share a resource with you that can help with grounding techniques and help ease your mind: https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques

3:01 PM

insignificant trash

and you're not going to give me some huge revelation in the next five minutes, so... this whole thing was pointless. again. i'm gonna wake up alone tomorrow, and help does not exist. getting a woman here is just never gonna be possible. with any number of humans' help. we can launch james webb space telescope, but those disabled people, we just have no clue.

3:01 PM

it's just more 'do it yourself' shit. that really doesn't help get anyone here.

3:02 PM

you really can't do any better than that? for my unique situation?

3:02 PM

i'm seriously not sticking around much longer. this world doesn't have to make it any clearer that they don't want me here. the feeling's mutual.

3:03 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can understand how really frustrated and upset you are feeling right now. You mentioned that the last resource I sent you won't fit your needs and it sounds like you are also having really intense feelings of loneliness. I have a resource that can connect you to a professional you can see in a person who can help you through this moment in your life for a free or reduced cost. How would you like to try that instead tonight?

3:05 PM

insignificant trash

i'm a turtle on its back and i'm having a heart attack, but i'll slide into the ballroom blitz! ballroom blitz! i sure wish you could break some rules and get a woman here. that would be super human and unprecedented.

3:05 PM

now doesn't that sound a little more 'out of the box' to you?

3:06 PM

how about a reality teevee show challenge where people try to help a disabled or traumatized person without putting them in that box? or pigeonholing them or categorizing them or degrading them? that would be a show! wouldn't it?

3:07 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see why building a connection with someone is important to you but we are a suicide prevention lifeline and cannot send people to client locations as that is not one of the services that we offer. However, if you would like to have someone come to your home, you can call 988 and they can help you explore some options for in-home care. We are out of time for tonight though, is there anything else you would like to explore in the next three minutes before we close our chat tonight?

3:09 PM

insignificant trash

basically, 'we challenge you to help this disabled person with no misconceptions'... heh! obstacle course in thirty seconds? chain reaction machines? i can see it. gladiator that shit!

3:09 PM

it should be important to everyone to build a connection, but we have internet and everyone got lazy with videogames and literacy went out of style.

3:09 PM

well, see, i say that's just another pointless restriction that doesn't help anyone, and you're gonna have to let it go someday. but hey, what i say matters, right?

3:10 PM

i knew this would be pointless, and that a phone call, the way i don't want to do it, would be the only option, cause anything i hate and don't want to do has to be my only option in life. oh, i want to live!

3:11 PM

Milanya (Counselor)

Finding ways to cope with our intense feelings can be very challenging. Spending time with the resource I shared as a starting point may help you ease your mind. We are out of time tonight. You can always come back to chat if you ever want to talk to us again, we are here for you 24/7.

3:13 PM

3:13 PM

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3:13 PM

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