submission

 it seriously feels to me like all you're saying is, in order for me to get the most minimal level of help, i have to be someone else, i'm not allowed to be me, i have to abide by society's childish rules to keep us all acting like children and ashamed of wanting to be anything mature, keep your ugly disgusting disturbing sexuality hidden at all times around all people, your body is a crime, you're not worthy of love or any humanity, you have to drown yourself and cloak yourself in shame like the rest of us, comply, conform, obey, submit, follow orders, stay in your place, don't do anything out of the ordinary to wake the comatose shoppers, which is no different than anything else i've ever heard in my life, constantly beaten into submission, "DON'T BE YOU!!! BE ANYTHING BUT YOU!!!". the world doesn't want originality out of me, the world wants a machine-stamped slave out of me. an order-following number. and look at that, no adult language, so this should get through your "anti-me" filter. god forbid i use adult language. i've never understood why traumatized, abused, disabled, hopeless, angry people who have been silenced and crushed by such a heartless society, have to stay happy, and calm, and docile, and can't even use adult language, we have to talk like children, act like children, and this rage inside us... it's like a caged lion, that humans tried to tame, but they went about it the absolutely most horribly absurdly wrong way you could possibly think of, and of course it didn't tame the lion or tiger or bear, but only enraged it more, just literally barbaric beating it into submission, every day for decades... from a traumatized person's perspective, it's just such a massive red flag, a discouraging, disappointing, depressing disappointment. i'm so tired of living in a society that just wants me to act like a child, and shroud my adultness in shame because everyone knows i'm too poor to afford love and if i act otherwise, everyone will point at me and laugh and hate me. that's seriously what it feels like you're telling me. same thing anyone else ever says to me, nothing new, the same suffocating "be yourself and love yourself, unless you're unique, then hate yourself and hide yourself and always be alone" propaganda. the big red flag. the trigger i can't get away from. the suffocating hand of suppression and silence and shame.

I WILL NOT BE SHAMED INTO LIVING A BORING LIFE!!!

i literally want to start a country and a religion for people like me because we are not welcome here, we're tired of being bullied and shamed and beaten and killed by clothing addicts and money addicts and status addicts and excuse addicts and fear addicts and tradition addicts. i have my own policy. i don't tolerate shaming. i haven't shamed you.

i'm born and raised to break the rules. don't repeat them to me like i'm a child. i know the stupid rules. i defy them on principle. my iq is high enough to do so. i'm an authority on it. ten thousand hours of experience. and it's worth nothing in this elementary school country, this playskool with guardrails bumper car bouncy castle popcorn circus sideshow! a society that can't even help their less fortunate! if you wanted to keep a society kicked down, on a leash, in line, single file, how would you do it?

as a complete outcast of your society, a pariah, ostracized, condemned, i'm asking you, as a much less hostile, threatening, overauthoritative representative of your society, for a little respect my way. for that purpose. if that's not too much to ask of a fellow human. to respect a temporary overlooking of borders, to drop swords and accept a foreign, alien human, an emotional refugee, whether they belong there or not. i've been ostracized enough. if you can't recognize me for what i am, i'll just give up on getting help, cause it could not be more consistently discouraging and predictably disappointing. depressing. humiliating. hopeless. pointless. empty. vapid. void. i could throw a thesaurus around the planet at this point it would make no difference, it doesn't even matter that i can spell thesaurus without googling it, when does my life matter! i am so tired of being suffocated, unappreciated, sedated! i love being an offensively unique quantum psychedelic nudist atheist metalhead alien! that's what i love about myself, that i am nothing like you or anyone else! i survived a hell no one can understand and everyone underestimates! i stole my education, i can discuss quantum physics and dimethyltryptamine! my body is not a crime! i'm beautiful! i'm awesome, i'm intelligent, and i would be no one else! i am so far from boring! my mama's proud! her boy's all growd up! mama dun't raise no foo!

i do not appreciate being treated like a child and constantly being beaten back into that mold. it is a trigger. it will cause bad reactions from me that i don't necessarily want to do. that's one of the things i'm trying to get to stop happening to me. that needs to be understood, or i know i'm not getting any legitimate help from you.

imagine having to translate your trauma into child language, while having none of your comforts to help. all the time. like you're telling your story to a child, expecting "help" from them, but they're actually an adult reminding you to stay a child while talking about trauma that happened to you, so as to not pass the trauma onto them, someone who supposedly understands trauma, it's like a three-way contradiction in terms. you're telling your trauma, in child language, to three different abusers, and no one actually helping you, they're just keeping you in the same cage, with the same threats and hostility... and your wounds are no closer to being healed. you have to remain in these restrictions. cause there's a purpose to it. and that purpose is supposedly your health. can you really not see that? but then imagine my alternative, me telling my trauma in adult language, while chainsmoking cigarettes and weed, surrounded by women and gloriously naked. the way i wanna do it. my podcast. because every other way has failed me so far. boy, what a concept, right? but again, i can't even get you to help me start my podcast! and i'm supposed to have faith that you're gonna help me? no, you're supposed to surprise me and just help and not fail like everyone else has! welcome to my show!