i'm still really trying desperately to make some actual quality connections and still have none and don't know why i keep trying. i can't be understood.
You sent
it would sure be nice to meet someone who understands me finally.
Mon 8:06 PM
Nik
Nik Gees
Karin snow was a trigger for me once (it was snowing when my baby died and played a part) I struggled to leave the house when it snowed. Emdr really helped now snow is just snow
3:26 AM
Karin
Karin Hughes
Emdr made it worse for me. I wrecked my knee in a really significant injury on black ice have had many ice accidents but this last one put me over the edge
4:04 AM
You sent
yeah, this is how friends are made, huh? this is the best we can do?
9:12 AM
Karin
Karin Hughes
Curious if any of you have any issues with sleep I go from sleeping maybe an hour or 2 a day to wanting to sleep days away.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
I’m curious, how much understanding do you believe you offer to others and to yourself?
You sent
i offer as much as i can, and it seems to me like people don't even recognize how much i offer to them. i understand myself quite well.
You sent
i think it's extremely unbalanced and unfair how much compassion i offer to others, how much time and effort i invest in friendships and how little people invest in me, how little compassion they offer. and it shouldn't have been this way for this long, i've done nothing to deserve it.
Sara
Sara Curley
Within the context of your life that you’ve shared, it’s understandable and completely normal to feel unbalance regarding interactions with others and the world in general.
How much of that compassion do you offer yourself?
You sent
i also have to say though, that lately i have empathy fatigue.
Karin replied to you
Karin Hughes
This is actually quite common of trauma survivors
Karin replied to you
Karin Hughes
I feel this hard. I did a social experiment recently I didn’t reach out to anyone for 3 months and guess what?
You sent
i offer myself all my compassion, i don't understand why you're asking that, and i don't understand why it matters, but i know myself, i'm comfortable with myself, i'm not my own problem.
Karin
Karin Hughes
Not a single person reach out
You sent
they say "put yourself out there"...
Sara replied to Karin
Sara Curley
I’ve certainly had periods of my life where I’ve experienced that. It was rooted in depression and deeply embodied anxiety
Karin replied to you
Karin Hughes
Self compassion in these moments is Damn near impossible. Especially when your not used to receiving in other areas of your life
You sent
i really want to see society stop talking so much about self-care crap and start talking about collective communal caring. this "self-care" crap seriously just looks like the dark ages of human compassion to me. i know we can do better than this. i refuse to believe otherwise.
You sent
and if we can't do better than this, we're doomed.
Karin replied to Sara
Karin Hughes
Where I am at atm
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
I’m curious regarding these thing because as cliche as it sounds - our relationship with others and how we receive the world is a direct reflection of how capable we are at receiving ourselves.
Self-care and community care are both important and are basic human needs
Karin replied to you
Karin Hughes
Unfortunately people can’t offer compassion to something they don’t understand
Karin replied to you
Karin Hughes
Society on the whole has failed mental health
You replied to Sara
they can both be basic human needs, but society can't constantly preach to lonely people like me about one, and relentlessly ignore the other.
Sara
Sara Curley
There’s a lot of momentum and focus these days on mental health - this is something that gives me hope for change.
So much so, that I’ve chosen to be an active component of that change.
Karin replied to Sara
Karin Hughes
Oh me too by become a therapist and learning all that I can. However there are so many barriers to mental health at least here in canada the system is not in good shape. So many misconceptions
You sent
i say actions speak louder than words and so far it seems to me like they're just talking about it and doing absolutely nothing.
Karin
Karin Hughes
Lack of education for people who should be trauma informed and are not or think they are and haven’t a damn clue
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
How capable might you be of ignoring what you believe society is “telling you to do”?
You sent
i have complex ptsd, severe depression, inability to focus, lack of coordination, and horrible memory, i don't know, i'd think that's up to you to figure out if you really want to know that bad.
You sent
for two decades i've been determined to do what i want, but for those same two decades, constantly being relentlessly stomped on by that boot and no one ever sees it or cares or comes to the rescue or anything.
You sent
i've never intentionally compromised, but most of my life has been nothing but a massive compromise, and one after another.
You sent
and no one cares about that either.
You sent
i'm still me and i love myself and society ain't gonna change me, but at the same time... what's the value of that if i can't even share my defiance with anyone.
You sent
i wouldn't rather be stupid and popular like everyone else, but do i have to be this alone because i'm this awesome?
You sent
this unique.
You sent
society looks like a playpen to me, a shopping mall of the human spirit, and i want no part of that, i'm looking for the naked alien mushroom forest. i know it exists.
You sent
i'll invent it if i have to. earth needs it.
You sent
think i'm crazy all you want, i think this is insanity. doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results is what society calls sanity, and no one sees anything wrong with that. especially enough to stand on my side.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
How true is that statement “everyone is stupid and chasing popularity”, can you think of 2 or 3 people that shows that to be an inaccuracy ?
You sent
do they have to be living? cause i know of a few dead heroes like terence mckenna and george carlin, but until we intentionally reincarnate them, i think we're screwed in that part of the soul department.
Sara
Sara Curley
What about yourself, if it’s “everyone” wouldn’t you be included in that?
You sent
where did i say everyone?
Sara
Sara Curley
I apologize, you did say everyone else. Not just everyone.
You sent
and there's only a few instances where i'll include myself in the everyone pool. otherwise, i oppose the entire fuckin world like a thumb.
Sara
Sara Curley
I’d you are opposed to the entire world, how might that effect how your relate to others?
You sent
it's not about relating to others, i have no interest in that, no one can relate to me, so it's pointless, futile, i'm a lot more concerned with starting my company and contributing something really cool to society that can take them the next couple hundred years to learn to appreciate and i'll be long gone, but i don't really care, i still have to do it.
You sent
i've given up on being understood and related to, i've given up on making friends, friends are overrated, so is family, i want employees. i've invested too much of myself into friends and it wasn't worth it. i didn't get back a fraction of what i gave. and that's just... that just makes society look like a playpen, and what's their incentive to know that?
You sent
at that point, they have no incentive to care and neither do you.
Sara
Sara Curley
You’ve mentioned many times since requesting support that you’d like friends, it seems like relating to others and them relating to you is important to you.
I can’t ask everyone else why they may find challenges to relate to you.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
Why would I need incentive to care from your perspective?
You sent
it's an emotional need, yes, but as far as my goals and ambition, it's really not necessary. i know the difference.
You sent
uh... well, that's kinda why "incentive" is one of my favorite words, it's not used often enough or understood enough.
You sent
but it's a heavy word.
Sara
Sara Curley
So I hear you saying your needs being met isn’t necessary. How does that make you feel to hear, and how might that belief be effecting how you show up for yourself?
You sent
no, that's not at all what i just said.
You sent
my emotional needs being met are necessary, just not in the scope of my ambition and goals, they are two separate things.
Sara
Sara Curley
How true is that honestly, that they are separate?
You sent
very. why does everyone question me so much, why am i so puzzling to everyone?
Sara
Questions are how we nurture understanding
Sara
Sara Curley
You aren’t puzzling at all to me.
You sent
i mean questioning those things about me. this whole 'show up for yourself' thing i think is ridiculous. i was homeless for a decade, myself is all i had.
You sent
it doesn't mean i should be enough for myself and able to keep myself happy being alone when i hate being alone.
You sent
i honestly think that 'show up for yourself'/'self-care' stuff is just propaganda designed to keep people isolated and powerless.
Sara
Sara Curley
Why do you belief that?
You sent
thinking there's something wrong with them when there's more wrong with the society making them think that or feel that way about themselves.
You sent
someone has to.
You sent
society needs opposition, and why would they not want it?
Sara
Sara Curley
What If there isn’t a “wroung” or “right” regarding self care, or community care - what if you envision them as both as aspects of living an empowered life?
You sent
knowledge isn't about knowing everything, it's about being capable of questioning everything you know. i can change perspectives at will, no one even knows that about me. they have no problem assuming otherwise, though.
Sara
Sara Curley
What if you where to offer others that same grace, that they are capable of changing perspectives as well?
You sent
only the rich can really care for themselves, they can afford to, and they can afford to not care about how poor people can't afford to care for themselves, or they can't afford to care.
You sent
i've met very few people who could do it as well as i can. i've grown into this opposition, it's not just a box, it's a perch, people underestimate what can be learned from opposition.
Sara
Sara Curley
Are you happy living in total opposition?
You sent
you're asking what if, though, and... i don't know what if, i don't know if it would matter, i always put my cards on the table first, and it's never worth it. people don't reciprocate enough. is that my fault?
You sent
i am.
You sent
it's not as unhealthy as people who fear opposition think.
You sent
there's plenty of deception and corruption to oppose.
Sara
Sara Curley
Id like to acknowledge that there are many things that especially around mental health support in the USA, Canada and many other places that could be improved.
What I’m experiencing from you is a lot of assumptions regarding what others think, feel, and believe.
How true are those assumptions?
You sent
i'm an offensively unique quantum psychedelic nudist atheist metalhead. i wouldn't be anything else. there's only so much value in self-love especially if you have no one to share it with.
Sara
Sara Curley
From our interactions do you think those assumptions apply to me?
You sent
they're not assumptions, don't let my phrasing confuse you, they're not assumptions, they're past experiences. i don't dismiss my past experiences, i'd like others to not dismiss them either. and i'm aware that just because my past experiences have been poor, doesn't mean future ones have to, but it does mean i'm going to feel more dreadful of them. that needs to be understood. i feel out of that, i could have better experiences.
You sent
no, i give new people the benefit of the doubt, every time, all the time. you'll see that.
You sent
if there's one thing i'm most consistent about, it's giving people a chance, even when i shouldn't be.
You sent
i don't blame everyone for my trauma and abuse. i don't think everyone is an abuser or potential abuser.
You sent
but the trauma still puts a filter of dread over that.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
So from that awareness that your future isn’t defined by your past experiences, what might be something you can do within your control to invite the life your want towards you?
You sent
i'm doing everything i can right now, which is more than i currently have the emotional capacity for, let alone to keep doing. i'm exhausting myself, depleting myself, doing more damage than good. i have a caseworker trying to get me a caregiver, but they keep stalling and finding cheap excuses and i'm tired of that, i'm powerless to do much, and no one wants to believe that, they all want to believe that i can do everything myself, which makes them ableist and classist and that's wrong, but try convincing them of that. i still fail to understand why this is all on me, what else is the government and your fellow humans for? to fear you and find excuses? to whine and complain and not accept you as you are? cause that's all i know so far. how am i supposed to keep seeing through that jungle, see the forest for the trees, and maintaining a positive outlook, and why is that all me? i really don't get it. i'm doing everything i can, more than i can, but there comes a time when it's up to others to help instead of just standing there watching one disabled guy push a boulder up a hill.
You sent
i think society has forgotten that, or at least when it comes to poor people, they just refuse to acknowledge it. they don't realize or care how indefensible that is.
Sara
Sara Curley
I don’t believe you need to do everything or can do everything yourself, I’m curious about what you can do, nothing more than that.
You sent
we've lost the incentive to care about eachother. most of us can't afford to, and don't have the time between trying to survive ourselves and trying to participate in this society.
Sara
Sara Curley
I haven’t lost that “incentive”
You sent
what i can do? i wish it were a lot more. i really can't do much myself anymore, i've used this laptop for everything i could, found out what i can't do. i'm stuck. i've been stuck for a while.
Sara
Sara Curley
Truthfully- I don’t need any incentive to care.
It’s just a natural aspect of my nature
Mel
Mel Thompson
So I have been told by doctors I have cptsd and BPD
I'm confused by someone actions towards me they have been attempting to reach out to me. I want them in my life but they trigger me and I hit remission
You sent
yeah, well, you're not in the us, that's probably easier for you.
You replied to Mel
i have friends trigger me all the time, it actually helps because i learn how to react during the trigger, how to suppress them and be nicer.
Sara
Sara Curley
My location wouldn’t matter.
As it’s an aspect of my intrinsic nature.
Mel
Mel Thompson
I just want to say why it happens to her
You sent
i think you underestimate how paranoid and apathetic america is.
You sent
but that's possibly a good thing, so...
You sent
still doesn't negate my point, the help i need can't come from me.
Sara
Sara Curley
I think you under estimate the strength and resilience of my nature.
I’m a trans human; right now as we speak, segments of the population want to see me dead, just for being me.
Idgaf
You sent
we don't differ on that.
You sent
i said what i am.
Sara
Sara Curley
what do you think might be different between you and I?
Some personal context around me.
I’m broke most the time, I live in one of the most expensive cities in my country, and have never made a living wage. I’ve had plenty of trauma in my past, family, sexual, and more. I’ve battled deep depression, and anxiety. I repressed and denied myself for 35 years. I’ve had physical challenges to face, and mental health diagnosis.
Yet here I am, living with hope, with kindness, with compassion, and with an unshakable confidence.
You sent
fff. wish i could relate to that last bit. i'd say that's the difference, i'm too bitter and resentful and feel too hated and unlovable. and i don't know why. it's not like i chose this, or still choose to be this way. i'm really not, i'm really trying to get better and be more compassionate. but the loneliness is what suffocates everything for me. until it ends, i'm stuck here, hurting. i'm on disability, so when people not on disability tell me they're broke all the time, i can't help but laugh, and think to myself, 'if only you knew'. hell, i'm so broke, i can't even afford to be broke. seattle is pretty expensive too, rent is two grand a month average. i don't repress and deny anything about myself, i don't hide much unless it's from heartless people. but i'd say the biggest difference between us is my extreme lack of coordination no one can seem to understand. there's really not much i can handle right now, i can't focus on anything, can't eat sleep or think alone. and the loneliness is just so constantly crushing. it's not to say i don't have hope and compassion, i don't have much confidence in myself around people, but i do have confidence in my goals. i tend to take a back seat to my ambition, it keeps the cart front-heavy, so the whole 'cart before the horse' thing doesn't throw me off.
You sent
while i'm flying backward down a hill...
Sara
Loneliness is a powerful space to exist within - it certainly has massive implications on our perceptions.
Sara
Sara Curley
Do you feel a connection to any aspect of the natural world?
You sent
yeah, i don't like that it's soured mine so much, but i see people with a more positive outlook and... i just can't be them.
Mel
Mel Wright-Bevans
I think it is ironic that you have dominated this space and weaponized your uniqueness and transmuted your interactions as a blanket weakness and inferiority of all humans around you to a group of strangers, and expect someone to climb into your conceptual Fort knox and fight for the privilege of befriending you- you have no clue as to the lived experiences, intentions, sensitivities, vulnerabilities of capacities of any of us. Yet you presume to know us and indeed all others. That is nothing short of insulting. I get you are weathered and have been deeply wounded, but you do not hold the monopoly on suffering. You are part of a large group of thinking, philosophy and literature that critically appriases systems of power and fights for a collective conscious / community building and highlights the woes of an individualistic culture- these are not concepts of your design and a great many beautiful and aspiring minds are as we speak, fighting to heal a broken global infrastructure. No matter how dismal and bleak change might feel at times. You have not found your tribe, it doesn't mean they don't exist, but you don't have the right to expect anyone who fight for you, other than yourself. That doesn't mean people are against you. There is a lot of good in this world, despite the horrors.
You sent
i'm not sure what you mean by natural world. my planet is boobshaped, dimethyltryptamine is my god... wow. gee, thanks, mel, i really wish heartless assholes would stop saying that cruel broken record bullshit about me.
Also, if you aren't getting anything back from people, if they take from you, drain you and don't fulfill you the it might be time to consider the type of person you a drawn to out of familiarity and consider new types of people or places to experience different people
Sara
Sara Curley
Mel’s perspective doesn’t seem hartless at all to me.
She’s sharing her experience, which is just as valid as your Ozzy
Mel
Mel Wright-Bevans
If thinking I am an heartless asshole helps you then so be it.
Sara replied to you
Sara Curley
What is the natural world to you?
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