i really need some help.
no one else is helping me.
alyssa's not a friend anymore.
i'm ready to find mom.
I'm sorry about Alyssa. It's hard to cope when people leave you. i'll try to give you a fb call.
Give them a call, I'm sure they can help you out right now.
Please take care of yourself.
i've tried them multiple times, they're just another dead end.
Im sorry to hear that. I'm glad to hear from you, I was worried.
i really need help finding volunteers and no one will help me do that.
they just keep ignoring my goals, i need to start this podcast.
could you at least help me find some affordable local inhome tech support? please?
i dont know what that means, or what it would entail.
posting on craigslist or in farcebook groups, i'm not even sure of anywhere else anymore, but i desperately need help with that, i cannot keep doing it alone.
i would pay someone to be the social pincushion and filter through the fake shit for me.
and the hurtful shit.
i've had too many people fail me recently, and i can't keep starting over at zero, i need people in my life. everyone just keeps insisting the only way to do that is alone, and i don't want to push myself to a heart attack just trying to start a goddamned podcast. it's less than a year till my kids turn eighteen and goddamnit, i want to have something going by then, but therapy and all that are just stalling and refusing to help with anything more than the fuckin bare minimum, and i don't know what to do anymore, no one will even help me get a lawyer, or they try to convince me i have no case with no legal knowledge, i love that, just discouraging for the fuck of it.
i really feel like all of society is under some mind control illusion to keep the poor suffering and my desperation doesn't matter, nothing i say or do matters. i'm not trying to start nasa with no money, i'm trying to start a podcast.
to sue the people who are failing to help me.
they just want me to think i have no case.
how the fuck else am i supposed to start a goddamned podcast, what the fuck is it supposed to take?
all i need is four qualified volunteers and some tech donations and funding that patreon can generate.
this is simple shit and no one wants to see it as a challenge or a learning experience and dedicate even a weekend to it. i seriously don't know what the fuck else i can do. i've tried everything i could and more.
Its capitalism, everything is supposed to be difficult unfortunately.
i've pushed myself way beyond my limits, too close to a heart attack, and i'm just trying to start a podcast, my mother is rolling in her grave, i'd like to at least document the lack of help i'm getting, but i need people. people is a long lost concept.
people is my currency. i'm already thinking in different terms, and boycotting money.
no one does.
I've never even listened to a podcast so I'm pretty much in the dark about all of it.
it's so disappointing the lack of knowledge i see, just rampant everywhere.
no one knows shit about shit, but i still just need people.
four volunteers can be found, they're not unicorns.
i feel like i have to remind everyone that we have internet.
please.
i don't want to die waiting for help, and i'm killing myself here trying to get legitimate help.
this is stupid, my mom would be shooting people by now.
what knowledge i have isn't exactly in high regard. I got unceremoniously laid off so I'm not teaching anymore. If I hadn't an inheritance from my parents i'd lose my house and god knows what else.
i have to push through this wall of apathy, there's a lot of shit i wanna do that people just refuse to care about.
I'm sorry your mom isn't around for you. I miss her too.
greg, please don't act dumb like my grandmother did, i know you're smarter and more resourceful than that, all i need, all i'm asking for are a few craigslist posts for volunteers in my area.
if you were laid off from teaching then you have spare time, which no one else has. can you see this as a challenge please, a learning experience?
learning opportunity? please? all you're doing is finding me four qualified local volunteers on craigslist. being a social filter for me. because i cannot take it anymore, i do not have the emotional capacity to keep...
please. don't let me die waiting for help, don't let me get this close to rebuilding a spectacular phoenix life like mine with all my massive goals and just fuckin fade away like dust under the boot of oppression. please.
it's a simple task, i just can't keep doing it. i know real humans exist and they can be found and no matter how much appearances may deceive, i highly doubt this simulation is actually programmed to be an inescapable hell, i want to believe there's a way to build my life in defiance of everyone's "reality".
next person i have to ask, i can't guarantee myself i'm gonna survive it. no one will take that seriously. if we're all suffering this much that no one can help me start a podcast, we might as well just do what george carlin said in life is worth losing and fuckin torch the planet. if i can't even start a fuckin podcast with a little help, fuckin pull the james webb telescope back in and burn hollywood to the ground, we're done. the aliens are here, quick, hide the poverty.
if i had your brain, i'd help me.
please just be the first real green light in twenty fuckin years. it would really be a huge relief right now.
it's a podcast, not a nuclear fusion tank.
it's four volunteers, not a quantum computer.
it's craigslist, not rocket surgery.
please.
my zip code is nine eight oh five eight, south seattle, east renton, fairwood. there's a starfux close by i can meet people at, i don't want anyone having my address, don't even want a phone, i'm only using email and farcebook for mental health purposes. boycotting the rest.
this is more possible than people are making it sound, and i'm... so many naysayers and barricades can really take the life outta you.
Seriously? You're going to guilt trip me now? I spent the being worried sick, literally sick, about you. I called around at every crisis place in Seattle until I found the one you'd had contact with and they said they'll reach out to you. I was really afraid for you. And now you want to give me crap for not doing enough? Have I not been there for you repeatedly over the years? I'm not really in the mood for this. I've reached out to people including ones you've identified, to see what they can do. I can't force people to do things. I'm sorry I don't know how to do the things you want.
what fucking guilt trip? i'm asking for help, man.
give you crap for not doing enough, no, i'm sick of everyone seeing it that way, no, man, i'm asking for fuckin help, it's likely i'm not doing it right cause i'm too fuckin sour and bitter, but goddamnit, that doesn't mean i don't need actual help.
mutherfuck it, man, i don't know why i keep asking people.
people get so fuckin hurt and childish when i ask for help, they make me sound so ungrateful.
"i can't force people to do things", time number six million on that one.
never hear that enough. where's that app when you need it?
you really don't know how to post on craigslist, greg? i know you're smarter than that.
i'm not gonna let you take that immature stance like everyone else does because i've known you longer and my mother knew you, and i know you're better than that.
i need help. i want to start a simple podcast with four volunteers.
four volunteers on craigslist is too much to ask.
fuck it. i'm done asking people. i don't need to live any longer. it's stupid to keep trying.
cut it out with that fuckin guilt trip shit, everyone fuckin says that shit, i've heard it enough times to know you're just using it as a shitty selfish excuse to disappear on me, like i don't fuckin know. you underestimate how many times i've heard that cheap shit.
fucking guilt trip. poor lonely disabled people guilt trip competent people into helping, oh, totally. happens all the time.
you think i'm guilt tripping you, fuckin prove it.
or just disappear and abandon me like everyone else cause i'm not good enough, i'm too weird too scary too ugly.
fuck all this shit, why the fuck am i still trying, what the fuck am i hangin around for.
real classy, greg.
no one cares how suicidal this has made me, more suicidal than i can handle being, and it still doesn't fuckin matter to anyone, i haven't pushed myself far enough, haven't suffered long enough yet.
just when i was wondering if you appreciated the poetic humor in that shit, you come back with that guilt trip bullshit like every other asshole.
doing my confidence in my words a lotta good.
that's the same shit alyssa just pulled. whatever the excuse, it all boils down to "i'm the problem".
shoulda known it'd be a mistake to ask you. just like everyone else. if all i'm doing is "guilt tripping" everyone, why the fuck don't i just do the world a favor and kill myself. i'm better off dead anyway, since no one knows anything.
Alright, let me approach this another way. I don’t want to add to your pain but I feel it would better for me to be honest.
For a number of reasons, I don’t want to help you with these kinds of projects. For one thing, nobody is going to meet up with a random craigslist stranger who won’t give out his name or number or email address to help him with an ill-defined project to set up a podcast. That’s not how things like that happen. It’s not realistic. More on that later.
More importantly, for years I have watched you regularly lash out, verbally abuse and generally mistreat just about everybody you’ve interacted with. Your behavior alienates everyone sooner or later. Everyone has their faults and shitty aspects and I don’t doubt for a second that you have received more than your share of shit, but you do this consistently. You have done this with a notable lack of self-reflection - in your eyes, everyone else in the world is an asshole and a piece of shit who lets you down, but you’re just the victim, always. Here’s a thought: ask yourself if you have ever told anyone you’re sorry, about anything. The truth is that no one wants to feel used, or be abused, or be treated like a thing and not a person. I know people and this society has done plenty of that to you but nothing in your life justifies behaving that way. I have kept my mouth shut about this out of love for your Mom and because I know that so much of your life is a tremendous and unfair struggle against huge odds, and also because I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. Because I knew that if I called you out on your behavior, you would lash out.
This most recent situation sums it up as well as anything. You suggest you’re going to commit suicide. I spend the day trying to contact you and calling people in Seattle to get you help. I’m worried sick. Do you not understand what that means? It means I fucking care about you! And when you get in touch, you don’t say anything about that - no explanation, no update, no ‘thanks,’ nothing about any of it. Instead you just go right into trying to get me to help you with your latest project, while negging me. It seemed to me that the talk of you ‘going to see your mother’ was merely a tactic to try to get me to do something for you. You do not understand how contemptuous towards me that is, to treat me that way, the person who has consistently helped you and stood by you for years (perhaps more than anybody else, I don’t know), to use and take advantage of my affection towards you in such a callous way. Even though I’ve been living on $12k a year for a decade I regularly helped you out financially. I got people who didn’t even know you to donate money. I tried to get friends of friends who live in Seattle, or even just people passing through, to help you with food and whatnot. I listened to you and treated you like a person. And you treated me as a thing to be manipulated and used. Stuff like that hurts.
And this time I didn’t hold my tongue like usual because I’ve been under a lot of stress. I can’t teach anymore, the one job I can do that brings me joy was taken away, and I have no income and no prospects for any. I’m freaked about my future, my family, my finances, my psychological health (which I have worked really hard to stabilize by changing important things about how I interact with the world and with other people). But you don’t care about that - to you the only important thing about me losing my job is that this gives me more time to do what you want. What comes across is that you don’t actually care about other people. The only value you see in other people is whether they are doing what you want them to do or responding how you want them to respond. And because I called you out a little bit, you immediately lashed out. All that time of being your friend meant nothing - I’m just another asshole who deserves abuse. Gosh, you should have known that all those years of being your friend was just a cover for my true nature as just another asshole. It’s all so clear now.
If you want help starting something a podcast or whatever else you come up with, here’s what you need to do. Don’t treat people like things. Don’t lash out at them at the slightest deviation from what you want from them. Take the time and show the humility to actually build up connections with people and show them respect. Stop treating them as a means to an end, take responsibility for your words and behavior, and stop assuming you have the right to say whatever mean things you want to everybody. Maybe find a therapist and listen seriously to what they have to say - it helped me but it took a lot of work on my part. On that basis, maybe you’ll end up meeting people and making the connections you need to bring something into fruition. Until then, I’m not going to assist with these kinds of things because as much as I want to I don’t feel comfortable helping people into a position where you will more than likely end up being abusive to them. It would be irresponsible of me. I apologize for not saying this before, that was the wrong approach. I’m not saying this out of anger, but to put it simply, you have to change how you interact with people.
I’m happy to be your friend, to listen to you and take your thoughts seriously, to support you emotionally and financially, to celebrate your creative work, and treat you like a human being. But here I want to be very clear: I am not willing to be your punching bag. If you send another message like the ones you’ve just sent I will immediately stop reading it, and block you. I mean this. I hope you take your time and think about this.
...
(as if my response matters)...
Ozzy Draven
10h ·
Shared with Public
i don't feel like i can share this with greg. i won't even post this on the account he has. i seriously doubt he'll understand it. i have no faith or confidence in my words anymore because of cyclic poison shit like this, and i just feel more suicidal than i can handle feeling because of shit like this happening to me so much. it's like society thinks the more they tell me this shit, someday it's gonna make it true. anyway, i have no one left on this account to read this irrelevant shit, really nowhere else to post this either, even just for records or memory purposes. i'm so tempted to just end it tonight. knowing tomorrow will be no different. knowing i'm unlovable. piece of shit. i'm the one with all the problems, thus i'm society's problem. i wonder, if i had spent my life telling other people this shit, reflecting it back to them... would it be any different. would anything i do ever fuckin matter. can i change anything.
this was his message... i should paste the whole fuckin thing here, but... i just don't think it's relevant enough or that anyone cares enough. i seriously oughta just end it now. no one's gonna care. it's gonna be too late. by the time i get anything going, i'll be past my red line, and too bitter to recover. why the fuck i tried.
Alright, let me approach this another way. I don’t want to add to your pain but I feel it would better for me to be honest.
For a number of reasons, I don’t want to help you with these kinds of projects. For one thing, nobody is going to meet up with a random craigslist stranger who won’t give out his name or number or email address to help him with an ill-defined project to set up a podcast. That’s not how things like that happen. It’s not realistic. More on that later.
More importantly, for years I have watched you regularly lash out, verbally abuse and generally mistreat just about everybody you’ve interacted with. Your behavior alienates everyone sooner or later. Everyone has their faults and shitty aspects and I don’t doubt for a second that you have received more than your share of shit, but you do this consistently. You have done this with a notable lack of self-reflection - in your eyes, everyone else in the world is an asshole and a piece of shit who lets you down, but you’re just the victim, always. Here’s a thought: ask yourself if you have ever told anyone you’re sorry, about anything. The truth is that no one wants to feel used, or be abused, or be treated like a thing and not a person. I know people and this society has done plenty of that to you but nothing in your life justifies behaving that way. I have kept my mouth shut about this out of love for your Mom and because I know that so much of your life is a tremendous and unfair struggle against huge odds, and also because I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. Because I knew that if I called you out on your behavior, you would lash out.
This most recent situation sums it up as well as anything. You suggest you’re going to commit suicide. I spend the day trying to contact you and calling people in Seattle to get you help. I’m worried sick. Do you not understand what that means? It means I fucking care about you! And when you get in touch, you don’t say anything about that - no explanation, no update, no ‘thanks,’ nothing about any of it. Instead you just go right into trying to get me to help you with your latest project, while negging me. It seemed to me that the talk of you ‘going to see your mother’ was merely a tactic to try to get me to do something for you. You do not understand how contemptuous towards me that is, to treat me that way, the person who has consistently helped you and stood by you for years (perhaps more than anybody else, I don’t know), to use and take advantage of my affection towards you in such a callous way. Even though I’ve been living on $12k a year for a decade I regularly helped you out financially. I got people who didn’t even know you to donate money. I tried to get friends of friends who live in Seattle, or even just people passing through, to help you with food and whatnot. I listened to you and treated you like a person. And you treated me as a thing to be manipulated and used. Stuff like that hurts.
And this time I didn’t hold my tongue like usual because I’ve been under a lot of stress. I can’t teach anymore, the one job I can do that brings me joy was taken away, and I have no income and no prospects for any. I’m freaked about my future, my family, my finances, my psychological health (which I have worked really hard to stabilize by changing important things about how I interact with the world and with other people). But you don’t care about that - to you the only important thing about me losing my job is that this gives me more time to do what you want. What comes across is that you don’t actually care about other people. The only value you see in other people is whether they are doing what you want them to do or responding how you want them to respond. And because I called you out a little bit, you immediately lashed out. All that time of being your friend meant nothing - I’m just another asshole who deserves abuse. Gosh, you should have known that all those years of being your friend was just a cover for my true nature as just another asshole. It’s all so clear now.
If you want help starting something a podcast or whatever else you come up with, here’s what you need to do. Don’t treat people like things. Don’t lash out at them at the slightest deviation from what you want from them. Take the time and show the humility to actually build up connections with people and show them respect. Stop treating them as a means to an end, take responsibility for your words and behavior, and stop assuming you have the right to say whatever mean things you want to everybody. Maybe find a therapist and listen seriously to what they have to say - it helped me but it took a lot of work on my part. On that basis, maybe you’ll end up meeting people and making the connections you need to bring something into fruition. Until then, I’m not going to assist with these kinds of things because as much as I want to I don’t feel comfortable helping people into a position where you will more than likely end up being abusive to them. It would be irresponsible of me. I apologize for not saying this before, that was the wrong approach. I’m not saying this out of anger, but to put it simply, you have to change how you interact with people.
I’m happy to be your friend, to listen to you and take your thoughts seriously, to support you emotionally and financially, to celebrate your creative work, and treat you like a human being. But here I want to be very clear: I am not willing to be your punching bag. If you send another message like the ones you’ve just sent I will immediately stop reading it, and block you. I mean this. I hope you take your time and think about this.
...
that is such bullshit, greg.
"no one is going to meet up with a random craigslist stranger who won't give out his name or number or email address to help him with an ill-defined project to setup a podcast'. that really fuckin hurts, man. that's bullshit. first of all, i can't even really handle craigslist. secondly, i am not just some random fucking stranger. my name is on farcebook, i guess that doesn't count. i don't even want a fuckin phone anymore, but that doesn't matter. and that's one thing i actually appreciate about craigslist, you don't have to give out your actual email. it provides me a minimal amount of safety when i haven't felt safe online or off in years. but that doesn't matter. and the most insulting part of that statement, "ill-defined", wow. thanks. no matter how much effort i put into "defining" my goals, they're just not gonna fuckin matter to anyone. so reassuring and encouraging. thanks. you haven't even asked about what i want to do, you don't even know. i feel like i've repeated it many times to you. "that's not how things like that happen", then how do they happen, cause no one will tell me and no one knows, but they sure know how it's not done, and they have to try to convince me constantly. i call them naysayers. i owe them a lot of gratitude. contrary to popular oblivious belief, my goals are actually well-defined. only those who care enough to notice would notice, but you know, i'm wrong about that too.
"for years i've watched you regularly lash out, verbally abuse and generally mistreat just about everyone you've interacted with", so it's my fault they weren't compassionate quality people who couldn't stop insisting i live their way, that's always my fault, that's nothing new. you get used to being society's scapegoat after this long. but it's all my fault, never society's. society is infallible, flawless, faultless, blameless. i still fail to understand why me standing up for myself must always be blamed on me. me defending myself must always be blamed on me. that's hypocrisy, but i'm wrong about that too. does it occur to you that self-defense is not a crime? why do you never hit the people who attack me? why do you never see that? you never see anyone else mistreating me, you never see the bullying, the naysayers, none of it, you've never once been there to defend me or stand up for me against it. i never even expected that from you, but it would have been nice. with all my abuse and trauma, i'm still supposed to be happy enough and perfect enough for society to interact with, the same society that abused me in the first place. if only i could invent the societal hypocrisy meter. why is it just my behavior that alienates people? why are people never the problem? they're failing to help me, but they're still not the problem. help doesn't exist. or at least that's what they'd insist i believe. like 'lost at twenty two' by life of agony. it's evident only to me that people haven't heard that song, but it's one of my standards. i have a social clue club filter i intend to implement in a social network, that doesn't matter. it's just my fault. it's all my fault. i'm not good enough, i'm too negative, too hateful, too bitter, too resentful, and i just keep thinking... y'all shouldn't have traumatized me then. but it's still all my fault, i chose to be traumatized. obviously. i was beggin' for it. "but you do this consistently", uh, bullshit. don't make a hurtful claim like that when you haven't been here, and especially when you're not even trying to see more positive in what i do. don't just keep bitching about my negativity and what's wrong with me like everyone else. that's a quick way onto my shitlist. big trigger, big red flag, and the repetition just grows it, but i can't expect society or even individual people to learn from their mistakes. "you have done this with a notable lack of self-reflection", wow. thanks. good to know. i even fail at the shit i'm good at. nice. "but you're just the victim", heh. yeah. i obviously didn't learn shit from my grandmother playing the victim all her life, thanks. so reassuring. it's good to know where i'm doing so horribly. don't ever tell society the same shit. don't ever call society out for how they treat me. no one else does. i'm still supposed to be overpoliced and overpunished for defending myself and being good at it, what, is everyone jealous that i'm so good at defending myself or what? i still fail to see how standing my ground is a bad thing. but keep saying it is. "here's a thought: ask yourself if you've ever told anyone you're sorry", i love when people who claim to know me ignore, disregard, dismiss all the times i've done that. you know, in your browser, in our chat, you can just hit "control+f" and type in the word 'sorry', it'll even give you a little count at the top. just one more way i'm not good enough. list off all the shit wrong with me, really makes me wanna be a better person. truly inspiring. have you been on the shit end of that particular stick? or is it just that much fun beating me with it?
and then you say "the truth is that no one wants to feel used, abused or treated like a thing". are you implying i use and abuse people and treat them like things? i mean i know you're wrong about that, but is that what you actually think? you really think i have no good in me? "nothing in your life justifies behaving that way", i never said it did. but thanks for implying that too. makes me feel really understood. "because i knew if i called you out on your behavior, you would lash out". okay, let's dive into this one.
i'm not allowed to lash out. i'm supposed to just take a beating, keep my mouth shut, keep my head down, never speak up, why does that sound so familiar? hmm. i love when people use the term "call you out". we really have a good handle on the language we're using, it's so efficient. i always picture a baseball dugout, "batter up!". "call you out", boy, what a mature term, right? why do i always have to be "called out"? overpoliced? overpunished? is that supposed to beat me into submission and make me a happier person? would that make you a happier person? do you consider this? do you ever put yourself in my shoes? are you aware that my mother taught me when i was young that the secret to shapeshifting is to walk a mile in another man's shoes? i actually think it requires a lot more than that. possibly upwards of thousands of people's shoes. for many many miles. for many many years. on a round planet. but i'm wrong about that too. just to put you at ease, i wasn't even lashing out at you and i wish you wouldn't take that shit so personally, i'm doing the best i can and holding back so much no one ever sees. me doing my best has never mattered, never gotten the credit it deserved, but that's supposed to make me a happy person too, right? i'm not allowed to lash out at my situation because it might personally offend you? you have no idea how well i watch my tongue and check my attitude at the door. you have no idea what a struggle it is for me to do that. how much rage i'm holding in, while trying not to let it consume me like my grandmother did, or not swallowing it like my mother did, and i honestly think i'm handling my anger fairly well compared to them, considering a decade of homelessness and the lack of help and this whole fuckin fiasco, so much i should be "raging against the machine" about, and as a metalhead, that's my duty in life, and for the most part, i haven't let my metal brethren down, i've been representin' like a hardcore mutherfucker with no credit, recognition or appreciation, i love when i'm "raging against the machine" and my situation and anything me-related, and people take personal offense to that, oh, i pull those weaklings outta my teeth.
it still bothers me though, that you saw nothing inspirational in what i wrote. you really saw absolutely nothing inspirational in what i wrote to you? nothing at all? you only saw blame and attack and "lashing out" for you to "call out". there's a lot of "outs" there. if only george carlin were here. you said you lost your teaching job. i'm trying to present you with an opportunity. something productive to fill your time. a potentially rewarding project. you really can't see it that way? i know you get depressed from losing your teaching job, i genuinely thought it might benefit you to help me. i truly did not think my words were as attacking as you say they are. i invite you to read it again, from a lighter perspective, and try to see the motivational comedy in it, the emotional glow, the tamed rage, the shit i'm holding back, anything, anything positive about it at all.
cause that's the big problem i have with this shit. everyone wants to say i'm so negative. but to me, they're only choosing to see my negative, and refusing to see my positivity, and that's on them, that's not my fault no matter how much they say it is. my positivity has been waiting to be seen and appreciated for so long. and when even someone like you who knows anything about me comes along and makes it sound like i'm just one hundred percent negative all the time... that's supposed to make me a happy person too, right? throw a bunch of negativity at me, and "call out" my negativity constantly, and then expect positivity in return. yeah, we haven't learned from that mistake either. i mean look around you, watch the news, people are blowing up all over the place, there's been more mass shootings than days in the year this year, and we're still not gonna do shit about the people suffering under our boot. if you can't see or appreciate my positivity, that's on you. but don't keep "calling out" my negativity like you're the caring parent who's job it is to do so. try to appreciate some of my positivity, find something positive i've done.
because honestly, i don't remember the last time you commented on a poem, or a post, or anything. i've commented on your posts. but you can scroll down my feed, and see nothing but zeroes. that's okay? that's supposed to make me a happy person?
"this most recent situation sums it up as well as anything. you suggest you're going to commit suicide. i spend the day trying to contact you and calling people in seattle to get you help. i'm worried sick. do you not understand what that means? it means i fucking care about you! and when you get in touch, you don't say anything about that, no explanation, no update, no 'thanks', nothing about any of it. instead you just go right into trying to get me to hep you with your latest project while negging me". "negging"... wow. didn't realize i was talking to a millennial. you gonna call me hashtag aggro next? you really can't take these jokes? you really think they're insults? ever seen a roast? this is comedy, not insults. you come back with insults. thinking you have to "call me out" for something. i know you're more mature than that, greg. stop insinuating that i am the big problem, that i am my own problem, in my own way, or any of that shit. i am the solution. that doesn't matter. i am the change i want to see in the world. that doesn't matter. i am a weapon of mass creation. that doesn't matter. so what the fuck is gonna matter? how can you not understand that i truly deeply want to end my life because no one will help me out of this nightmare quicksand? can you not understand that suicide is the only option i'm being left with? and that's all my fault? i'm supposed to just find the better options alone? which only perpetuates and exacerbates my situation and suffering, leaving it all on me, but i'm wrong about that too. and then you say "when you get in touch, you don't say anything about that, no explanation, no update". uh... i truly think that's just bullshit. either both of our memories are getting unreliable, or you need to just scroll up, rewind. i remember telling you several times through the years how thankful i was that you gave a shit, telling you that i am still trying. for you to say i never did, for you to disregard the times i did, just fuckin hurts. i have shown you so much gratitude through the years, and tried to let you know that i was still trying. you're one of the few reasons i'm still here, still trying. you were there to give me inspiration when no one else would. does the gratitude i've shown you mean nothing to you? does nothing in our years of conversation stick with you? especially anything positive i've said? the fact that i'm housed, is that not good enough for you? i've had too many people disregard my gratitude and make me sound ungrateful. and you wonder why i alienate people. they're not my quality of people. they're not up to my standards. they're insufficient. i'm so tired of people constantly nagging on my negativity and getting away with it. failing to see my positivity and getting away with it. making me sound ungrateful and getting away with it, dismissing my gratitude and getting away with it, bullying me and overpolicing me and getting away with it! have you become a conservative in recent years? cause that's what you sound like.
and then you say "i'm worried sick, i fucking care about you", yeah, well, actions speak louder than words. i don't feel very cared about lately. i feel attacked, backed into a corner, stomped, crushed, relentlessly, overpoliced, i feel fucking backed into a corner, all alone, no support, no one to stand up for me, ever, and i'm not supposed to feel backed into a corner, i'm certainly not supposed to come out swinging when i feel backed into a corner, even beaten dogs and feral cats aren't supposed to defend themselves, aren't allowed to stand up for themselves, what is it about society's anti-self-defense policy that makes them want to beat you over the head with it? anyone else wondering that? i feel victimized, but i still don't think myself a victim. you can be wrong about that all you want, doesn't make it true. i ain't no fuckin victim. i refuse to think that way. i ain't no fuckin victim. i stand my ground, that's not a fucking crime. and i'm sick of people insisting it is, no the fuck it's not, look it up, ask a fuckin lawyer, google something! propaganda isn't truth. you of all people should fuckin know that. i remember that lecture you gave where you were talking about 'fuckin their shit up'. what's changed? i would understand if you're no longer in that mindset, but don't force your new one on me. i don't have to compromise just because you did. i stand my ground. if that really bothers you that much, you're not obligated to stick around. i'm doing this with or without your help. or i'll end my life without your help. does it matter that i'm so suicidal i can barely eat? does it matter that it's the loneliness, lack of help, and overabundance of cheap excuses that makes me suicidal? i guess it's just my fault that i'm suicidal, and i'm making myself suicidal cause society is faultless. does it matter that i've heard that bullshit so many times, i can see right through it? i don't want to die. i especially don't want to die this way. i don't want to get this close to rebuilding a spectacular phoenix life like mine and die waiting for legitimate help, i certainly don't want to kill myself just to end this nightmare, i don't like that suicide is the only option i'm left with while everyone fails to help me. can you understand any of this? why does everyone have such a problem with me being suicidal, but no one wants to do anything to fix it, they just wanna blame it all on me? and that's supposed to make me want to live? is any of this making any sense to you? do you have any idea how insane and desperate i've been feeling since i got housed with nothing and no one and still not getting sufficient help? does that matter to you, does that mean anything to you? "instead you go right to trying to get me to help you with your latest project", heh. that is really condescending, but i'll allow it, since you obviously don't know what i'm trying to do yet. even though i have told you. i don't even really understand the point you're trying to make in this paragraph, i'd love it if you could try to rewrite it more sensibly or coherently. "and you treated me as a thing to be manipulated and used". wow. i disagree, and i would appreciate it if you showed some proof. i have told you that i'm struggling with my words lately, and cannot always be 'on the mark' when it comes to communicating, i apologize constantly when i say something wrong, i rephrase shit often when that happens, just because you're not here to see it doesn't mean it never happens, so i don't appreciate you insinuating that i never admit when i'm wrong, that's always been one of the biggest things about me is that i'm always the first to admit when i'm wrong because i've been trying to demonstrate a better way to communicate, not like it was ever recognized, but i never gave up, i treat people how i'd like to be treated, with dignity and respect, and it's never reciprocated, but that's all my fault too, and i just don't even know what i'm talking about there. you ever hear the phrase "unapologetically yourself"? well, boy, the magnitude of times i've had to apologize for being me has really taken a serious fucking toll on me, not that anyone should care, but it's made me so suicidal i can't even tell anyone. so forgive me if i'm done apologizing for being me and standing up for myself and standing my ground, but i'm done with these little social board games people throw at me. always making me out to be the big enemy, the big problem. "it seemed to me that the talk of you 'going to see your mother' was merely a tactic to try to get me to do something for you". wow. i'd really like some proof behind that claim as well. because that was not my intention. if all i have left to push someone into helping me is to threaten suicide, i really cannot understand why everyone has to think that i'm "guilt tripping" them... those are two very different things. i'm weaponizing my suicide because it's all i have left. if that really sounds like a "guilt trip" to you and everyone else, then why should i keep fighting it? that's like me saying 'hey, if no one helps me, i'm gonna kill myself" and society responding by saying "oh, quit whining!", which i have come to call 'cry wolf syndrome'. i don't think anyone understands what i mean when i say that yet. i've had people older than me not know the story behind that and still think themselves better than me, high and mighty, holier than thou, infallable. the old tale, is that a boy in a forest cried wolf, so the townspeople came to rescue him, and saw no wolf. this happened several times until the townspeople gave up. so the boy finally saw a wolf, cried wolf, and got eaten because no one came. what that translates to is that if i scream for help, no one comes. it's basically saying help does not exist. scream for help all you want, it hasn't been invented yet. do you understand that? have you screamed for help? i'd like to put the lyrics for life of agony's 'ugly' here, because i still think it's apt.
have you ever woke up screaming? have you woken alone?
when the walls around you won't stop laughing, where do you go?
sweat seeps in your eyes at night and you realize
that no one understands you at all
well i was bound to have a nervous breakdown
should've seen it coming from miles away
packed my bags and started running
brain's been shaking since yesterday
there's only so far that you can run, boy
only so far to leave your problems behind
cause when your problem's yourself, you start thinkin
no matter how far, you'll never leave it behind
no one understands me at all
now i'm forty four with still no clue
of who i am, who i'm supposed to be
know that to you it sounds funny
you've got it worked out like it's a fuckin disease
started askin myself do i fit in, where i belong, could this really be me?
been feelin' downright ugly, tell me is this the way it's supposed to be?
so what's the difference? you're doing fine
the clock keeps ticking as you lose your mind
the one you need to call you, never calls
sweat seeps in your eyes at night, and you realize
no one understands you at all
i know who i am and who i want to be. no one can take that away from me. people can bitch and whine all they want, but i'm me despite it all. you took my messages the wrong way. i don't even blame you for it, i'm not surprised, because it happens that much. with people who knew me better than you do. and it's still always my fault. no. no it's not.
my family's big problem was projection. they started to make me think that i was their big problem, the source of all their pain. i shed that shit like a snakeskin. i don't tolerate it, and i won't let you project your problems onto me or blame me for your problems. i'm not even really saying that's what you're doing, but you're damn close.
"going to see my mother", why did you have such a problem understanding that? i miss my mother, going to see her is a pleasant way to put it. there's nothing wrong with that statement, and it was certainly not a "tactic" to convince you to help, rather it's a desperate cry for help. but go ahead and smack an erroneous label on it, really makes me feel understood. "you do not understand how contemptuous toward me that is", uh, i can understand how you thought it was contemptuous, doesn't mean i meant it that way. please stop taking everything i say so personally, as if it's meant to offend you, as if my asking for help is offensive to you. please don't do that. i get that you don't want to help me pursue my goals and dreams, and you fuckin don't have to, i'm so sick of asking and seeing nothing but red lights. i didn't think it would put you out of your way to help me find some fuckin volunteers. i'm not understanding why you're sounding so overworked and overburdened by my request. it's a simple request. i'm not trying to build nasa with no money, it's a goddamned podcast. but everything i've ever asked anyone was too much to ask, and they have to do this teenager act like 'ugh, seriously?' when i'm asking for something as simple as a hug, or insulting me like 'did your mother never hug you?'. and i walk away feeling like 'remind me to never ask for a hug again'. have you ever felt that way? i'm sorry you took my mother comment contemptuously, but good lord, dude. me asking for help is not a "tactic".
you say i'm sounding insulting to you, but you're not seeing the insults in your own words. the belittling condescension. you make my podcast sound like a high school science project. i don't appreciate that. my podcast was literally born from the failures of everyone else. and i don't care if it matters to you or not. you don't have to help, and i won't ask you again. this is the shit i encounter when i ask for help, but i'm still supposed to be so happy and friendly, no, fuck that, y'all can kiss my ass, y'all chewed the nice guy outta me, it's like marilyn manson said, 'i'll step on you on my way up, i'll fuckin step on you on my way down'. and y'all can just keep bitching and whining while i succeed and accomplish shit you can't. or die trying. don't minimize my goals just because you're across the country. i don't do that shit to you. and for the record, i wish you were still teaching, i'm sorry you can't still teach, i'd even suggest doing it covertly like they did back in the day. but at the risk of offending you again instead of inspiring you, i'll just fuckin let it go. i'm tired of my inspirational words offending people. my words are inspirational, if everyone sees my words as offensive, i just see you all as weaklings undeserving of my words. the wrong audience. my words falling at my feet, on deaf ears. not my demographic. and again, that ain't my fault. i've never treated you as a thing to be manipulated and used. but your accusation hurts and makes me feel like my appreciation and gratitude of you were dismissed.
i think more highly of you than this. and i was trying to express that in my last messages, trying to inspire you to help. when i say "inspire you to help", and knowing that you saw that as "guilt tripping you to help", using "tactics" like going to see my mother... shit like that makes me question if i'm actually making sense to another person or just rambling incoherently into a fuckin empty psych ward mirror. goddamnit. can you not understand that? you really can't see the inspiration in my words? all you see is "guilt tripping"? yeah, i'm feelin' understood over here. thanks, man.
why does no one see the inspiration in my words? why am i still wasting my words on the wrong audience with no hope of finding my audience? should i keep trying? or give up? is there any fuckin point to it? is there any fuckin point to being nice and polite and respectful when the only way to bulldoze over these barricades is to put on the big asshole stomper suit and fuckin plow through the whiny fuckin teeth shreds? cause i'm truly gearing up for the latter, and no one cares. i've wasted too much of my life apologizing and trying to be nice to people and delicate around their tender sensibilities when i've taken more trauma than they'd ever survive, i feel like a giant stepping lightly around tiny little minions out of love, but wanting to just torch the fuckin earth and start over. try holding that back while people are whining about your "offensive negative language" all the fuckin time. i've said it before, i'll say it again, i fuckin love my negativity, it keeps me alert, aware, awake while y'all fuckin sleep and whine. and don't take personal offense to my generalized use of the word 'you' like everyone else does, i'm even using the word 'y'all' just to be extra clear, it ain't YOU i'm talking about, it ain't YOU i'm at war with. so drop your swords, dude. i ain't at war with you. and i wouldn't waste my time fighting you anyway (like i'm ironically doing right this fuckin moment). i really thought my meesages to you were poetry. emotional comedy. i intended no personal condescension. please don't take it so personally. you're not the problem, you're not the enemy. as far as my anger is concerned, you're neutral. stop acting like my anger is aimed at you or directed at you when i've told you repeatedly it's not. and stop making me sound or feel so fucking insane, like i'm just hurling out insults in any given direction like a fuckin broken sprinkler. i know i'm not that fucked in the head, and this message should be proof.
if you really have that much of a problem with what i said, then please go through and highlight everything i said wrong and i'll fuckin rephrase it. i do that often too, not that anyone fuckin sees it. does it keep people in my life? fuck no it doesn't, people evaporate just as fast either way. and it's all my fault, cause i'm the problem, and there's just so much wrong with me that there's nothing right with me. well, gee, society, the feeling's mutual, but you'd never know that, would you? it doesn't matter that i feel about society the same way society feels about me. they're the majority, right? and the majority always wins whether they're right or not. (and why do i feel like i'm quoting you on that?).
i have a feeling, like i always do, that this won't matter to you either. that my patented wall of text rant formula will just piss you off and scare you off like it does everyone else. and i won't be surprised. just another vacancy. their loss. i'm still me in spite of all that. i've lost more than you'll ever know. two kids, cars, guitars, an ocean of friends. my neck right now, i can't even tell you how much it's hurting sitting here typing this irrelevant bullshit up.
don't make me sound ungrateful again. a claim like that requires proof. you know damn well i have brought myself to tears many times thanking you for your help and telling you how much i admire you. you need to scroll up and read over that shit again. tell me something positive about me you appreciate as if it's not too much to ask.
it's also a bunch of bullshit that society (including people individually) always expect me to give and go outta my way for them FIRST, that i be the first one to reach out and build a friendship bridge, to have them not reciprocate time after time, and it's still up to me to start it, to initiate it? every time? the fuck it is. making friends is a waste of time, that's why i gave up and i'm trying to start my company without friends, a compromise i was never comfortable with by the way, but who the fuck would know that about me? i'm not in the business of building bridges and trying to keep friends who don't want to stick around, or just want to belittle me to make themselves look or feel better. to quote emma thompson from stranger than fiction, 'in fact, quite the opposite'. my stomach won't give me a moment of peace, i've had to shit three times while typing this, my asshole burns like a fuckin volcano. i don't reach out first anymore because i do not have the emotional capacity anymore. people had their chance to reach out to me. my goals take priority, and if my goals require bridges to be burnt, so be it. i ain't fuckin stoppin. for you or anyone else.
that determination used to be admirable. now it seems to just annoy the comatose. i wonder if that's all that's left.
when you say "no explanation, no update", i'm really curious what you're referring to. you're making me sound like a heartless asshole retroactively. when have i not given you an update or explanation for how i'm doing or how anything you did helped me? if it was any period where i went dark for mental health purposes, you can't hold that against me. you're far from the only one i had to cut off or block out for a time when i didn't want to. how do you know every compromise and sacrifice i've made? and it's never for my mental health, cause if you see no evidence, it ain't there, right?
i understand you've been under a lot of stress, you've told me about it. i've tried showing empathy, it never felt like you accepted it. when your mother died, when you had to move... why do i let people make me feel like such an asshole piece of shit all the time? how do i keep getting stuck in this fuckin gutter? when will this shit right here stop fucking happening to me? when will anyone fucking care enough? you don't see all the previous times i've had to do this right here, trying to mend friendships and be understood and shit, this right here makes me fucking suicidal, but i still do it, and i don't fuckin know why. i'd be better off succeeding and then people can gravitate back to me once they see my value, but by comparison, this right here is fuckin stupid, asinine.
i understand that you're worried about your health and future, i wouldn't imagine this shit right here being very supportive of your newfound mental health standards, so i'm sure you can see how this shit could be just as detrimental for me, then add in the fact that i've been through this loop of shit so many times it's counted by color now. "but you don't care about that", again, dude, bullshit. erroneous claim with no evidence or proof. if you can't remember me caring, then i'll chalk it up to alzheimer's and let it go. "all that time of being your friend meant nothing", bullshit. baseless claim. and hurtful. if a porcupine accidentally poked you, would you tell that porcupine it doesn't love you?
"it's all so clear now". yeah, welcome to my world. want some nzt?
you really seemed hurt by my words to spit out this whole fuckin thing, and i'm still just really confused as to why. i honestly wonder if you're aware that you're talking to catherine dresser's son. i can't tell you how many times in my life i have sent beautiful verbal feathers toward someone and had them act like they were just stabbed with a sword. am i really that vicious and venomous, am i failing to hold in as much rage as i think i am? what the fuck is going on here, and how do we make sense of it on a fucking calculator, cause i'm really really lost. i have no faith or confidence in my words anymore. i'd say i'm the most misunderstood person in human history. is that too grandiose? which one's david and which one's goliath?
and here comes my favorite part. "if you want help starting something a podcast or whatever else you come up with, here's what you need to do".
ah, yes. my favorite line ever. "here's what you need to do".
it's society's job to tell me what i "need to do" every day of my fucking life, effectively making me exponentially suicidal. when i die and get up to god, that's the first grenade i'm gonna throw at him. then i'm gonna give him a taste of his own medicine, and tell him what he "needs to do", then i'll prevent him from doing it, then i'll beat his ass and take his fuckin throne! but hey, i'm not bitter. no, fuck it, that's fine, i can't expect society to be any more mature than that. i've fought an invisible war against that shit, it never mattered, never changed a fuckin thing. i am forever prisoner and slave to society's "what you need to do" propaganda.
"don't treat people like things", once again, you're erroneously implying that i do, expecting me to have a godlevel of control over it, and be perfect every fuckin time. while i've been treated like a thing. kicked around like a piece of trash. were you there that day? did you hear the cop arresting me in bellingham tell me 'oh, the people you're looking for are in portland', the cop arresting me in portland tell me 'oh, the people you're looking for are in san francisco', and the cop arresting me in san francisco tell me 'oh, the people you're looking for are in los angeles', literally kicking me down the fucking coast! were you there? every store i panhandled in front of sending out their attack dogs so they don't have to do it themselves, kicking me down the fuckin street like a severed zombie head? were you there for that? that time in los angeles i actually had to record a security guard harassing and attacking me, which i never got to show to anyone who cared enough? were you there for that? have you had to go through something like that? have you gone through a decade without feeling loved or appreciated? or god forbid valuable? and i'm supposed to remain shiny and fuckin happy?! under who's fuckin dictatorship? the first thing society could do is allow traumatized people to be fuckin traumatized and stop expecting them to be perfect and undamaged and fuckin happy! how fuckin sick is that?
it's like attacking a grizzly bear, and when the bear defends himself, you take the bear to court, handcuff him, and say 'you weren't supposed to defend yourself, now you have to pay a fine and do jail time and pay restitution and prostitution and child support and alimony and lawyer fees and sign here, here, and here, now we own you and we're gonna put you in a fuckin circus that's supposed to be crazier than this one!'.
(paraphrasing) "don't lash out at people for the slightest deviation from what you want from them", wow, dude. "slightest deviation"??? again, you're making it sound like i'm trying to build nasa like the pyramids were built with no money and a bunch of slaves who owe me nothing. it's a goddamned mutherfucking podcast!!! it's a simple fucking podcast!!! what the fuck!!! i know it seems insurmountable to anyone else without dreams and goals, but goddamnit, it's just a fuckin podcast, it's not gonna crack the fuckin earth! jesus fucking christ, man. and i'm the one who has to "tone it down a little", yeah. that's me. i'm the "tone it down" guy. lowkey. on the "dl". just a-chillin! you spin me right round...
i wanna be clear, i was only asking for help finding four qualified volunteers. to start a podcast no one's ever gonna give a good glowing fuck about. you made it sound like i was ordering you to build me a fuckin spaceship. i don't even really know how to feel about that, so i'm just gonna choose to not feel any fuckin way about that, and let it go. my relevance gauge is hissing at me.
and this one really hurt. "i'm not going to assist with these kinds of things because as much as i want to"... really? it doesn't seem like you want to.
"...i don't feel comfortable helping people into a position where you will more than likely end up being abusive to them". wow. i'm gonna hold a lot of shit back right here. i'm gonna put this as politely as i can just to be the bigger person.
you really assume i would be abusive to people helping me start my podcast? you really think that highly of me? i take serious offense to that right there, and it's not just because it's your unfounded statement, but because it's one of society's common excuses to keep me alone and powerless and disconnected and isolated. only a society this sick and blameless would think that way while they have a daily mass shooting. "keep the poor suffering cause they're not good enough to make friends".
with all due respect and admiration, greg, i gotta do my civic duty to the future and "call you out" for that extremely ableist way of thinking. thinking i would be abusive to people finally helping me achieve my goals, what the fuck heartless piece of shit do you think i am? come on, man, i know you're better than that. i understand you're struggling with mental health too, so i'm truly not gonna hold this one against you, i'm gonna forgive and let it go because i know you're better than that and you don't truly mean that. but goddamnit, dude. do i really deserve that? no consideration for how much better i could be once i'm NO LONGER SUFFERING!!! see, shit like that ain't my fault, ain't my words, ain't my thing, and i'm comfortable with myself knowing i don't treat people that way. like a thing who doesn't deserve friends because he'd just keep shitting on them not realizing the nightmare is fuckin over. seriously, dude. not cool. how would you feel if i said that about you?
"i'm not putting people into your life cause you'll just keep shitting".
you can think what you want, but i know i'll be much happier and better once this evil loneliness demon beast gets the fuck off me.
this always happens in twos, by the way, so alyssa was just the foreshadowing. don't think this is anything new to me. actually, i don't give a good gloryhole fuck what you think, i know this ain't fuckin new to me. i'm the one person i don't have to prove anything to. i'm what my mother raised me to be, and i'm proud of that. if it makes the world flood their tampons, then mama did her fuckin job.
"you have to change how you interact with people", like i'm not aware of that. what the fuck do you think i'm trying to do? do you think it might help if i had SOME FUCKIN PEOPLE IN MY FUCKIN LIFE!!!???!!! HUH?!? PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY FUCKIN SHOW UP AND STICK AROUND AND DON'T JUST CONSTANTLY FIND SOMETHING FUCKIN WRONG WITH ME TO BITCH AND WHINE ABOUT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! i'm not supposed to be offended by that, and truly i'm not, just trying to make a point here, as offensive as it may be. it's my negativity, my nagging, my whining. then why do i still feel unconvinced, and still feel like society is just projecting their problems onto me like my family did? like i wasn't supposed to learn from that enough to recognize the fuckin cycle? it's always my negativity, never society's. they can bitch and whine all they want with no policing, but me standing up for myself, that's what gets overpoliced and overpunished, like i'm such a stupid child, i need to be told repeatedly, 'put the stick down, you're not allowed to defend yourself', and repeat daily. right?
man, just to that point alone, lyrics from strapping young lad, machine head and hellyeah flood my head. nothing i can share, though. meaning they're on the shelf, ready to share, haven't been seen in years under a blanket of dust and apathy, so i just don't even fuckin try anymore. most effort i make anymore is saying the band names, you've got google, you figure it out. can't even share my metal with other metalheads and anyone i ask hasn't even fuckin heard of it, so... that game got boring quick.
i shouldn't have to defend myself to you or explain myself to you. you wanna take offense, that's on you. it's no skin off my back. i've lost better people than you. only read that last paragraph of yours all the way through once, and while responding i only skimmed part of it, i don't feel like the rest is even worth addressing. don't tell me what i need to do. that is a massive red flag for me. i still don't feel like i'm being polite enough. and my self-defense is offensive, who knew. love how society knows so much about war. i'm not even going to respond and send this to you, i'm just gonna post this on my profile, it's up to you to fuckin find it. as far as i'm concerned, this conversation is over. you can take some time, focus on your mental health. i can't guarantee i'll be here when you drift through again. if you truly can't understand how badly this suffering makes me want to die, and that having people in my life is the way out of this...
i don't know what else i can tell you.
"i hope you take your time and think about this". yeah. likewise.
thanks for all the help. i am sorry my words of hope and inspiration hurt you so much. after hearing nothing but "you're abusive" from abusive people for so long... it really baffles me how no one can understand why that would make me this suicidal.
when the alternative this whole time has been staring society in the fuckin face like a boy crying wolf, like me screaming on a rage stage...
simply saying 'hey, man. it's over. no more swords. just hugs'.
yeah. i held so much back. i really really really mean this. every word.
chances are, you won't even see it. if you do, you'll just have the predictable reaction and get pissed at it, throw flaming monkey shit. like everyone else. the glorious lack of surprise. left turn, left turn, left turn.
i'd still rather die than live this day one more fuckin time.
...
i see the sun begin to rise
and i'm blinded too
i've seen the world through jaded eyes
that i'm crying through
i've watched the darkness hypnotize
and confided
hold on, i'm falling
can't breathe anymore
the ocean has opened
these scars need to heal over
caress the knife wound in my heart
the tears fell like rayne
i've rode the phoenix as she glides
and i've gone insane
i've seen the light of suicide
and i'm dying
hold on, i'm falling
can't breathe anymore
an ocean has opened
these scars need to heal over
colder and colder
just hold onto me
...
got the razor to my wrist cause i can't resist
got this fever burnin' fist that does as i wish
but when i get downtown and see what's around
i just know there's gotta be a better place to be found
well i knew there'd come a day
when my mind would say hey are you afraid
i'll bleed on through the night
suppose i'll be dead by the mornin light
don't be surprised if you mind when you find me
river runs red and i think i'm dyin
not that anyone cares, these lyrics were written from memory. it's up to you to figure out who they are, to show you care enough.
fight your apathy.
weaponize me.
let the gods fear me.
i am the solution.
carved on my heart.
one more thing. don't take credit for trying to change this when i'm the only one actively trying to change this shit. i archived his conversation just like alyssa's and i'll likely never talk to either of them again. just two more down. two more masks revealed. back to zero. tabla rasa. clean slate.
they both had to do the same thing. i really wonder if they'd ever talk to eachother, see this shit, see their mistakes. blaming me. telling me what's wrong with me like it's a good tactic to heal me. no credit for the ocean of 'fuck the both of you' i'm holding back.
clones. naysayers. mirror mouths. carrotstick parrots. catharsis.
one day, all of society will gang up on me to tell me this shit.
will they stand in shock at how prepared i am for that war?
i mean i'm gonna have fuckin pie charts and vendiagrams and powerpoint presentations and shit, a list of cited references they're all pleasantly predictably oblivious to. like that ted talk, 'the art of being yourself' by caroline mchugh.
will it matter? will it change anything? will i be understood?
it's eleven pm. wasted my whole fuckin day on this shit.
i still love myself despite your whining.
but i seriously wanna fucking cry my life away right now.
this is what everyone thinks of me.
it's mutual.
No comments:
Post a Comment
huh?