notline

 9:18 AM

Welcome.

A counselor will be with you as soon as possible.

ozzy fuckin draven

I'm sitting here in a constant state of terror I got my disability check and I have no idea what to spend it on

9:19 AM

All I want to spend my money on is getting a friend in here a woman and that has to be the most impossible thing

9:20 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

Hi Ozzy, welcome to the chat, my name is Milanya. I see that you're having thoughts of suicide and I can only imagine how scary that is for you. I want to share that this is a safe space so tell me about what's happening to make suicide an option for you.

9:20 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I am unable to care for myself I'm still waiting on a caregiver I don't understand why everything has to take so long and be so difficult

9:20 AM

I'm currently using voice typing plugin because I broke my laptop yesterday and one of my big monitors which made me really unhappy I really don't know what else to do I keep asking people for help and they just keep insisting I do everything myself alone I really can't take any more of that I don't know where to turn to for legitimate help could not be more discouraging

9:21 AM

That really can't handle this ship anymore and I desperately need someone in my life went through authority to intervene and get me to stability and everyone just acts like that's illegal it's never been accomplished before on this planet we've been to the moon but getting someone to my apartment was just impossible I refuse to believe that

9:22 AM

I really can't handle this anymore I can't handle this loneliness it is destroying me I cannot bear to do anything alone it is unbearable

9:22 AM

I seriously don't know who else to turn to I have tried everyone and everything

9:22 AM

The resources are all just frauds charlatans barricades they refused to help the first independence on the relentlessly as if it's the only path to stability which basically means they don't know what the word help means

9:23 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see that you're feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. You're working very hard to advocate for yourself and that takes great courage. I can see how heavy these thoughts are weighing don on you and that's not easy to handle.

9:23 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

All I need is someone here to help me do everything else I need to do that's all I want to spend my money on

9:23 AM

That's the problem I I have depleted the strength to advocate for myself I have pushed myself way too close to a heart attack and mental break just trying to get the help I need that is indefensible I would love to see someone but they won't even help me get a lawyer they just scoff at the motion

9:25 AM

I currently have $800 amazon wish list and I'm sitting here and terror not knowing what the hell to do I don't have a phone I don't want a phone but everyone keeps forcing a phone on me and I'm sick of that I'm boycotting tech and internet for mental health purposes I cannot get anyone to understand that

9:25 AM

I would really like to get an advocate and a lawyer but no one knows how to get one no one knows how to help me when I am sick of hearing that I am sick of hearing buckets of I don't know repeatedly say I don't know anything about that no matter what I'm asking about if it's podcasting or volunteers they don't know **** not even the cops know anything am I the only one who finds that painfully absurd

9:26 AM

Why can't I get any legitimate help here how difficult does it have to be

9:26 AM

I'm still waiting on a caregiver I don't have a caseworker my therapist won't do anything my housing coordinator recently bailed on me my peer coach recently bailed on me neither of them could be anything this whole time but failed most spectacularly

9:27 AM

I am losing my mind and no one cares everything I love about myself was being destroyed by by boat and no one cares

9:27 AM

Those compassion exist or not does my desperation matter or not

9:27 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I hear you, it's hurtful when people invalidate your experience and feelings. Oftentimes when feeling lonely it can trigger intrusive thoughts and that has me wondering if you have had any thoughts of suicide within the past few days including today.

9:27 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

It's not just that they invalidate my experience they keep dismissing my goals I feel extremely disillusioned like I can't trust anyone

9:28 AM

I have been alone for 10 years and that's not enough I have tried as hard as I possibly could and it's not enough I can't focus at all I can't concentrate at all I have no coordination

9:28 AM

You need not ask me about thoughts of suicide I want you to not ask me about that the only coping skill I really have is to try not to think about it

9:29 AM

Do you understand I'm telling you right now everything you're going to say to me is already a trigger because I have been through this crap way too much before and it has done absolutely nothing for me

9:29 AM

You are just another dead end just like crisis connections and everyone else you don't do anything for me you don't know what to do

9:29 AM

What are desperately need the most is someone here as urgently as possible someone who is good with internet and tech I would love to hire some tech support and pay someone to sit here and do this for me

9:30 AM

I'm tired of people who are claiming to help me consistently saying you just want everyone to do everything for you which was so insulting and degrading and they don't understand it but it sounds like a red flag coming from an enemy a spy and they don't understand that

9:30 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I appreciate you being honest with me Ozzy you're incredibly resilient for speaking up and voicing your goals. I understand thoughts of suicide can be hard to think about but I do have some required questions about suicidal ideation to ask. Have you done anything already today to harm yourself?

9:31 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I desperately need someone here as urgently as possible someone who has a lot of free time plenty of free time and could volunteer some tech support or donate some oh companionship

9:31 AM

I'm tired of everyone acting like that's illegal for me to have some companionship I'm tired of everyone acting like I'm unlovable unforgivable irredeemable

9:31 AM

I'm just going to ignore those questions I'm not going to answer those questions you need to understand that I've answered them too many times before and no one ever cares about my answers my answers don't change anything they don't matter they don't change what you do or say and I'm tired of repeating myself repeating myself has become it's own exponentially worsening * snowball* trigger and no one will understand that

9:32 AM

I cannot answer those questions I will not do that disservice to myself again for your entertainment or enjoyment

9:33 AM

Can you understand that you're talking to a human right now and not another clone

9:33 AM

Year talking to a human who has been through way too much and it's still not enough for you

9:33 AM

I don't need this someone here and there is no way for you to do that for me I don't even know why I'm still talking to you but I have literally have no one else to reach out to

9:33 AM

What you should be asking is how you can help me or how you can get someone here and you won't even ask those questions do you have any idea how disheartening and discouraging that is

9:34 AM

I have to answer your questions but you refused to answer mine

9:34 AM

How is that acceptable

9:34 AM

Because I say it's not acceptable I say it's against my policy

9:34 AM

I'm asking everyone to help end a nightmare of loneliness and no one will no one knows how

9:35 AM

This loneliness is unbearable and I cannot handle anymore of it I cannot handle one more day

9:35 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

It's a very challenging situation for you and I can only imagine how frustrating this has been for you. I appreciate you sharing your discomfort with me it is not my intention to be harmful. With everything you're going through plus thoughts of suicidal ideations it has me concerned and I want to check-in. Are you going to attempt suicide today?

9:36 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

You can't even understand that suicide is the only option I'm being left with it doesn't make it my choice you need to stop asking me those questions you need to stop asking me those questions you need to stop asking me those questions you are violating my rights you are triggering me can you understand that this is unacceptable

9:36 AM

I am 44 physically disabled overcame a decade of homelessness and I am still here why doesn't that mean anything to you

9:37 AM

Would you want help from someone like you

9:37 AM

Would you trust someone like you when they keep asking the same robotic questions over and over and never helping you never having any answers would you keep sharing your secrets with the enemy t is it their business

9:38 AM

Are you going to answer any of my questions yet are you going to try and get someone here to do something new to do something unprecedented to help someone to actually save a life what are you capable of it are you qualified

9:38 AM

I'm so tired of this hamster wheel that none of you can even see it

9:39 AM

None of you question it

9:39 AM

All you need to worry about is giving someone here that's the only thing that's truly going to save my life you need to stop resisting

9:40 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see that you're feeling very overwhelmed, it may be helpful to take a few deep breaths. You've mentioned having someone come to you and I want to get a better understanding. What kind of service would you like to visit you?

9:40 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I feel like I'm in a standoff stalemate with society and neither side will budge this is extremely immature on a societal level

9:40 AM

And I that's another trigger I need to stop happening I need people to stop telling me to breathe my mother was the only one who actually cared when she told me to breathe and my mother died eight years ago I destroyed my life trying to save hers and it didn't matter to anyone

9:40 AM

Companionship volunteer type support volunteers everyone acts like volunteers are unicorns but it doesn't mean I have to believe that delusion I desperately need as much help as possible as urgently as possible I need people in my life and everyone just keeps trying to force every substitution for people into my life rather than people it makes me feel like no one knows what the word help means do you understand what I'm saying when I say that do you understand what I mean have you ever felt the same way have you ever been through anything like this

9:41 AM

I need anyone with plenty of free time who can volunteer their free time to spend their free time with me helping me clean my apartment helping me get around helping me get my podcast or my company started someone who doesn't just dismiss my goals relentlessly

9:42 AM

I know there are ways to find those people I have tried myself this whole time and no one else even knows how no one can see it as a learning opportunity no one can care enough but I know there are ways to find the people I need who have plenty of free time I would love to find some local toast to me support groups for disabled people I would love to connect with any type of science people instead of religious people I have had more than enough of the wrong types of people in my life and I have been looking for the right types of people all these years through four cities on this coast and every site and app you can imagine then it hasn't been enough I have not done enough

9:43 AM

So is anyone else even care how absurd this is is anyone even capable of caring how absurd this is

9:44 AM

All the people helping me constantly keep saying you just want everyone to do everything for you and I wish I could sue them for every time they say that they don't understand how dismissive it is how insulting and degrading it is

9:44 AM

My last video call with sound mental health the other day the idiot had to say twice you need to participate in your own treatment implying that I would not be there

9:44 AM

How do they get away with this isn't that any authority or stopping them

9:45 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

It sounds like you're interested in volunteers coming to your home for companionship. If you're comfortable it may be helpful to explore speaking with 211, it's a service that provides information on resources for basic needs. They may have an option for you to text or message them. If you would like I can share this resource with you.

9:45 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

It's no wonder why they won't even help me get an advocate or lawyer because if I did they would be wrong

9:45 AM

I have already tried 211 so many times they are just another dead end I cannot try them again and I have already told you once I do not have a phone and I do not want a phone and everyone just keeps placing a phone on me and forcing me to do every little thing myself and next time what happens I will put my head through yeah do you understand that you cannot keep telling me to do everything myself you cannot keep telling me to reach out when I need people to reach out to me are you understanding any of this do you have enough compassion to understand what I'm telling you

9:46 AM

Do you understand that the resources have failed me spectacularly thus far the same resources you keep forcing on me have failed me over and over again and you just keep forcing the same resources on me not understanding that they have failed me over and over and over why can't I get a lawyer or an advocate why can't anyone help with that do you see how it makes you and your whole system completely untrustworthy and unqualified

9:47 AM

211 will not get any volunteers into my life I have already tried that many times do you understand that are you capable of understanding that they refused to help me

9:47 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I want to support you as best as I can today Ozzy, but it's hard to understand you with the overflow of messages. If you're comfortable can you please send one message at a time, how does that sound?

9:48 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Crisis connections refuses to help me salvation army refuses to help me saint vincent de paul refuses to help me catholic charities refuses to help me facing homelessness refuses to help me disability rights washington refuses to help me fd cares refuses to help me

9:48 AM

I'll give you some time to catch up

9:48 AM

That's really the best I can do because there is always way too much to say and no one listening enough

9:48 AM

I'm tired of being an overload for everyone I encounter

9:49 AM

Everyone keeps telling me to do the same thing repeatedly expecting different results because that's what society calls sanity or that's the only sanity poverty can afford

9:51 AM

I am physically disabled on disability with complex ptsd and severe depression gastroparesis arthritis in my neck

9:52 AM

My hands don't cooperate anymore I can't thank I can't sleep I can't eat

9:52 AM

Walking outside alone is unbearable I don't know where to go I can't take a bus

9:53 AM

I have even asked chatgpt

9:54 AM

Since no one has any answers I'm literally trying to invent the answers but no one wants to help with that either I keep wondering how big do my ideas and bills have to be to get the slightest bit of interest out of these mindless automatons

9:54 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can see that you're feeling very flustered, and stressed by the pressure put on you. It's totally understandable that you need help. When feeling overwhelmed it can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional. There are online therapy options you can explore. If you're comfortable I can connect you with a resource.

9:55 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Yeah no the mental health professionals have failed me spectacularly thus far I do not want to rely on mental health professionals my vision for my podcast was literally born out of all of their failures better help sent me a refund that's not bad enough I really don't want you to connect me with any resources because I can't even follow up with those resources by myself I cannot do it by myself I cannot do anything alone and you're just going to keep sending me links and phone numbers forcing me to reach out when no one can reach out to me and you have absolutely no way of getting do you want to reach out to me stop trying to connect me with resources and start trying to connect someone to me act like it's not illegal to do so

9:56 AM

Because I still feel like you're really not understanding everything I'm saying nor are you capable of carrying enough

9:57 AM

I am so tired of this constant run around

9:57 AM

This game would be prepared when people are trying to get legitimate help

9:58 AM

This game you like to play when people are trying to get legitimate help and you stand in front of them like barricades advertising anything but help

9:58 AM

Every possible substitution for a person because connecting people is just too far out of your capabilities and you think we don't see through that

9:59 AM

Can you see how your help is underwhelming can you see how your one-size-fits-all solution is not helping everyone

10:00 AM

Can you see how this would not be enough for people who need actionable tangible help

10:01 AM

I need someone with the qualified compassion and authority to intervene and get me two stability and I need them to be found immediately I need everyone to just stop saying we can't do that someone needs to claim some accountability and just get it done

10:03 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

This is a very tough situation and I can see that you're working hard to support yourself. I'm hearing that nothing has worked to help you feel better today and some days are definitely like that. We have been chatting for a while now and I'm wondering what are your plans for later today after our chat ends.

10:03 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

So I'm not understanding every day for the past decade of my life has been nothing but that nightmare hell then there is no way out of it because 8 billion humans around me are too busy to help I already told you I have no idea what to do today I have no idea what to do today I have $800 and no clue what to spend it on because I have no help to spend it and I would like to spend that money on getting some actual human help and no one will tell me how no one knows how can you truly not find that absurd

10:04 AM

I said you're still not understanding

10:05 AM

I am sitting here terrorized by the fact that I do not know what to do and can't bear to do anything alone

10:05 AM

I will pay my entire 800 right now for a friend to end this loneliness

10:06 AM

Are you understanding yet

10:07 AM

Or am I just wasting my time repeating myself again watching my words fall at my feet

10:07 AM

Why don't you have the authority to get someone here

10:07 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I'm hearing that you feel lonely and would like companionship, If you're interested I can connect you with a resource to a wide variety of support groups. It can be very helpful to speak to a supportive peer group.

10:08 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Why do I even talk to you

10:09 AM

You are still clearly not understanding what I'm asking well what I really need in your offering every substitution

10:09 AM

Why do I even bother talking to you why do I talk to anyone why do I even say anything why the **** should I keep trying

10:09 AM

All you can do is connect me with resources but you can't make them reach out to me are you even worth talking to

10:10 AM

This makes me sick to my stomach I'll sit here every day two tensed upp to use a restroom

10:11 AM

This nightmare just isn't bad enough yet

10:11 AM

I haven't suffered enough yet

10:11 AM

Nothing I say matters to you

10:11 AM

You haven't understood a damn thing I have said

10:12 AM

Would you find this discouraging

10:12 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I am here to listen and support you to the best of my ability today. Sometimes when feeling overwhelmed it can be helpful to try a helpful distracting activity like watching a movie or playing a game. Do any ideas come to mind?

10:13 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Would you want to live after bringing up against this same stupid wall f of nonsense for years

10:13 AM

Thank you but no I do not play games and thanks to the pandemic I have seen every movie 1000 times alone and I cannot watch movies alone anymore and no one understands anything that I'm saying if I say I can't do anything alone that does not translate to anyone how would that make you feel

10:14 AM

There is absolutely nothing I can do to comfort myself any more I have used up all of my coping skills they do not work anymore all I need is someone in my life and you refused to help that get accomplished why should I keep coming to you for help

10:15 AM

You are clearly not qualified to help anyone I wish I could get myself to stop reaching out to you I wish there was someone more legitimate and compassionate to reach out to someone more qualified to help someone like me but you won't even connect me to those people why are you the only barricades I can reach out to to rely on why can't you just get out of the way so I can get to someone qualified

10:16 AM

Someone competent enough someone who knows something do those people still exist

10:16 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I can hear that you're feeling hopeless right now, you've gone through difficult experiences and that has you feeling drained. It sounds like these thoughts of suicide are weighing heavy on your mind and that has me wondering about what plans you have made that you think you might use to end your life with.

10:17 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

If you were in my situation would you accept that answer

10:18 AM

Did I just short circuit your heartless little robot brain

10:21 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I understand that you're having a difficult time today but throughout the chat, you have said inappropriate statements towards me which is not okay. Calling counselors that kind of thing is not accepted in chat and if it continues I will have to end our chat today.

10:24 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I'm still waiting for actionable tangible help you're still forcing anything else on me and that's not supposed to upset me

10:25 AM

If you needed the help I need would this be acceptable to you

10:26 AM

Are you going to answer that

10:27 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

When struggling with loneliness it can be helpful to spend time with a family member or friend as a helpful distraction. Is there anyone you are comfortable contacting about spending time together today with?

10:29 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I don't have any family I don't have any friends and again we are trying to offer a distraction from ending this nightmare of loneliness do you not understand that I currently have no one in my life no one supportive can you make some advocates aware of me or not

10:29 AM

Why won't you answer any of my questions

10:31 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

It seems like you're looking for an advocate to reach you, if you would like we can work together to file a police report. I can call them on your behalf and have an officer reach out to you.

10:33 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

The cops don't know anything either I have asked the police for advocacy repeatedly they don't know how to get it they won't even let me file a police report so if you're actually willing to help with a police report sure let's see what going one step further does

10:33 AM

I would like to see the people who are failing to help me is that possible

10:34 AM

I said I would like to sue the people who are failing to help me is that possible

10:34 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I do not have the answers to that question, if you are comfortable it may be helpful to speak to the officers about that. It seems like you're comfortable making a police report, what's the address to where you're currently located?

10:37 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Is there any way you could have any sort of legal aid or lawyers guild or anyone reach out to me keeping in mind I do not have a phone and I do not want a phone I told you I have already talked to the talks about that they do not know anything

10:37 AM

14600 se 176th st apt h5 98058

10:37 AM

I'm telling you right now the cops are just going to spew a bunch of I don't know and they are going to leave me empty handed yet again

10:38 AM

If you needed the help I need would this be acceptable to you

10:39 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

Thank you for sharing that information with me, I also want to ask what's your full name.

10:40 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

ozzy draven

10:40 AM

Legally changed over a decade ago

10:41 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I appreciate you letting me know, and just in case what's an email the police can reach you at?

10:42 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

Every time anyone sends the police to my apartment as soon as I see the badges I start shaking uncontrollably might have been physically overpowered by police more times than I care to count just for being homeless I still can't get anyone to understand that either nakedalien66@gmail.com this should all be in the details i filled out prior to this chat

10:43 AM

Except my address

10:43 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

Thank you for sharing that with me. Speaking with the police takes great courage and I can see why you're feeling anxious about interacting with them. I want to make sure I have your consent. Are you comfortable with me contacting the police on your behalf?

10:46 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I already said yes

10:46 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

Thank you for working with me on the police report Ozzy. We have been chatting for a while now, and we have five minutes left to chat. Is there anything else you would like to talk about in the five minutes we have left?

10:50 AM

ozzy fuckin draven

I've got a hypothetical question for you if you care to answer it let's say you're a ceo you've got everything to live for suddenly you're kidnapped and thrown in a dungeon after a while you start to think you're never going to see another day outside of that dungeon and the only way out of that dungeon there to end your suffering is to kill yourself would that make you suicidal

10:50 AM

Milanya (Counselor)

I am uncomfortable answering that question. You've shown great strength by reaching out for support today which is not an easy thing to do. It was my pleasure to chat with you today. I will call in that police report for you so I am going to let you go now. You can always come back in to chat we are here for you 24/7.

10:54 AM

10:54 AM

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10:54 AM

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