i'm forty five, physically disabled (refuse to get in a wheelchair) in renton (pnw) on disability with complex trauma (the video by diane langberg is my standard for treatment), no friends or family, housed for two years in an apartment devoid of true stability, comfort, connection, or creative outlet, after a decade of homelessness, no coordination or emotional capacity for tech or internet, boycotting tech and internet for mental health purposes. i have standards, boundaries, and a personal policy, which everyone should have. the "resources" have failed me spectacularly, the internet has thoroughly failed me, i can't leave my apartment alone, i don't know where to go or what to do, i know i cannot do it alone anymore, it's taken too much of a toll on me, pushed me too close to a heart attack and mental break. this apartment is not comforting, nothing here is comforting, there's nothing i can do here, i cannot care for myself, i cannot handle public transportation, i don't have or want a phone, i'm suffocated with "adulting" crap that prevents me from being creative and productive, in two years i haven't even gotten help with furniture or clothing let alone tech donations. i cannot connect with anyone who can actually understand me and accept me as i am, i'm tired of consistently encountering the worst society has to offer, these immature, socially inept red flags who stumble through my minefield with no life experience. i don't call this "stability", "stability" is starting my company and having a support circus(/circle). i don't have much confidence in myself, socially speaking, but i have confidence in my goals. repetition is an exponentially worsening trigger for me. society has alienated me with their addictions yet they blame me. i really wish someone would make a documentary exposing the mental health system's barbaric bare minimum that's no better than thorazine and lobotomies. i cannot emphasize this enough: i have tried everything i could. everyone underestimates everything, from how hard i've tried to the invisible tornado of trauma and goals and noise and chaos over my head tormenting me every moment of every day with no productive outlet in which to purge it. everyone expects disabled people to have this inherent inhuman ability to rise from social selfhelp pamphlet quicksand all on their own. this "you're on your own" mentality has to go. the alternative is having everyone in your country functioning at their full potential, how is that a bad thing? when you can easily implement a resource-based economy robust social safety net universal basic income wealth cap and if you can't, do something about it, we're not as powerless as it may seem. we need visionary realizations of grandeur to get out of the cave of fear and delusions of mediocrity and banality.

i like astronomy, startalk, world science festival, bill nye, kate the chemist, jon stewart, lewis black, terence mckenna, george carlin. when people tell me "you need jesus", i say "no, you need science", when people say "you need therapy", i say "no, you need meshuggah", when she says "my eyes are up here", i say "not mine", when people say "you know, you catch more flies with hunny", i see the "flies" (shallow women, wink wink) on a pile of shit thinking it's the shiny shopping mall of the human fuckin spirit, and i ask "what do you catch with meshuggah? i'm pouring meshuggah on my quantum mobius strip mandelbrot fractal fruit time loops cereal every morning, poking black holes in the rumpus with meshuggah sticks to see what interesting ladies come out to play", words consistently falling on oceans of deaf ears and blank stares.

i need qualified local volunteers and companions with plenty of free time to help me start my own tech/media company, connections with my community to be facilitated and mediated, advocacy, legal representation. i want intelligent, compassionate, competent, skilled women who are atheist, who can accept and respect the fact that i'm a nonconformist.

i reject and counter tenfold what i consider "flaming monkey shit", including but not limited to: unsolicited advice, gaslighting, pigeonholing, projection, toxic positivity, hypocrisy, victim-blaming, nonconformist--shaming, cheap fortune cookie indoctrination, selfhelp pamphlet propaganda, tyrannical tradition, "luck" (i ask 'who needs people with all this luck going around' (quote this!), no one cares), heartless apathetic naysayers, bullies, bots, illiterate people, religious (scientifically illiterate/uneducated) people, coffee or alcohol drinkers, people who play videogames, money addicts who are always busy, i don't want males because i don't feel safe around most males and i'm tired of being called "bro" or any variation, they're too immature and desperate, and they have no clue how to talk to me, i'm tired of people telling me i'm negative and need "professional help" when it doesn't exist and they should prove it works first, i'm tired of having to explain myself and defend myself repeatedly, i'm tired of hearing "i don't know" and "can't", i'm tired of people trivializing my struggles and dismissing my goals.