beyond useless

 9:40 PM

Welcome.

A counselor will be with you as soon as possible.

Rebecca (Counselor)

Hi, welcome to 988 chat. My name is Becca. I can see you're feeling pretty upset and having thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you're going through a lot. Can you tell me about what brings you here to chat?

9:42 PM

naked alien

once again, nothing i say matters to you, you don't understand anything i say, you send the cops who can't do anything, they send the crisis response team who can't do anything, and nothing happens, and i still can't get the legitimate actionable help i need. i am so tired of this runaround. i don't have a phone, you are literally my only option, and you're a dead end just like two one one and crisis connections and the whole loop of ridiculous barbaric bare minimum selfhelp pamphlet propaganda crap. and help doesn't exist. no one knows what help means. i've been at this a few years now. nothing i say matters to anyone but me. i have to do everything myself, alone, with physical disability and complex trauma, no money, no family, no friends, nothing.

9:43 PM

why should i keep asking for help?

9:44 PM

do not send the goddamned cops again! do not ask me if i'm suicidal or any of those standard stupid questions, they trigger me! repetition itself has become an exponentially worsening trigger for me, i can't get anyone to understand a damn thing i say.

9:45 PM

why should i keep asking for help?

9:45 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I get that and I definitely don't want to trigger you at all. I completely understand your concern. It’s not easy to talk about something so personal. However, we are a suicide prevention chatline, and (you indicated current suicidal thoughts on your pre chat survey.) I am required to ask a few safety assessment questions.

9:46 PM

naked alien

no one knows anything. about anything i ask about.

9:46 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I want to make sure you're safe while we continue to talk. It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed right now. Have you done anything to harm yourself today?

9:47 PM

naked alien

no one understands anything i say. i keep explaining, i don't want to die, it's the only option i'm being left with. it's a direct result of your inaction.

9:47 PM

you gotta not ask that, i'm serious. i'm forty four, i'm still here, that has to mean something, stop.

9:48 PM

the only real coping skill i had was trying not to think about it, but that doesn't work anymore, and no one understands anything i say about it. for you, it's just a yes or no.

9:48 PM

i am doing the best i can. this is the best i can do.

9:49 PM

i just talked to the crisis response team. i am doubtful that anything will come of it, because i've talked to them so many times, and nothing ever comes of it. i wish you would stop sending people who can't do anything. making me repeat myself over and over and over. it's taken a serious toll on me. i need someone who knows something. someone with the authority to get me to stability.

9:50 PM

i need you to stop keeping me from that with an ocean of i don't know and can't and do it yourself.

9:50 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I can see you're doing the best you can and I'm proud of you for reaching out here today. It must feel really frustrated to be misunderstood

9:50 PM

frustrating

9:51 PM

naked alien

how bad does it have to get? how desperate do i have to be?

9:51 PM

i'm doing what i can. it's not enough.

9:51 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I'm hearing that you've reached out to us earlier. I'm wondering how you're feeling since then and if anything has changed since you last reached out

9:52 PM

naked alien

the people who were just here, i seriously don't think they're cabable of helping me get legal representation, legal aid, legal support, advocacy, especially disability rights advocacy, which everyone acts like doesn't exist, i don't even have a caseworker right now, still waiting on a caregiver, they keep stalling, sound mental health refuses to do anything and keeps forcing independence on me as the only path to stability, i need a caseworker, i need volunteers, companionship, friendship facilitation, connections made, phone calls made, volunteer in-home tech support, i'm boycotting tech and internet for mental health purposes, don't even want a phone, people is all i need and you force every substitution for people on me! you need to stop that! i am not feeling okay, i am not okay, i am pretty far from okay, i am barely hanging on! this is agony! and no one can care enough! everyone's too restricted, too busy, not human enough! where is this fabled opportunity? where is legitimate help? where are the compassionate people i know exist! stop hiding them from me!

9:55 PM

everyone keeps saying they don't know how, i cannot keep hearing that. someone knows something somewhere and they can be found goddamnit, we've been to the fxckin moon!

9:56 PM

what does it take?

9:56 PM

i emailed disability rights washington, they said, and i quote, "we don't do that, you can file a grievance here".

9:57 PM

betterhelp sent me a refund! everyone uses my anger, which is a direct result of your inaction and apathy and incompetence, and my intellect, as excuses to not help me. so human of you, go humans! pat on the back!

9:58 PM

i'm fine. i'll make it through the week, but goddamnit. this has to end. i need people in my life, not every substitution for them.

9:59 PM

i need competent people. people who know stuff. i know they exist, we have james webb space telescope peering beyond the darkness right now!

9:59 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I can imagine it's incredibly frustrated to feel like your needs aren't being met or taken seriously. You deserve to have support. I want to check in with you about your safety right now and make sure you haven't harmed yourself today or planning on it

10:00 PM

naked alien

i made up the word omniphysics because it's inevitable, i want to patent it and trademark it!

10:00 PM

i also coined the term exocontemplationist, my life matters!

10:00 PM

how big and fascinating do my goals have to be to get any help? i've told thousands of people!

10:01 PM

i said i'm fine, i'll make it through the week, you gotta stop asking.

10:01 PM

it reveals you as a spy, you gotta understand that. you need to revamp this whole thing. make it more human.

10:02 PM

hire an artist.

10:02 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

Gotcha, I want to be sure that's what you meant by making it through the week. It sounds like today was really overwhelming for you and I'm glad you came back to chat. What do you think you could do to relax after we chat tonight?

10:03 PM

naked alien

you need to be figuring out right now how to get me legal support and advocacy. you need to stop acting like volunteers are unicorns and find some. i need to start a podcast about trauma, build that into a film company, then a tech company and revolutionize the internet, then my own restaurant, you know anyone else with that many goals?

10:03 PM

i smoke enough weed to make willie nelson jealous, i'm fine.

10:03 PM

i'm not a drug or alcohol or weapon person, never have been never will be, i have a cat, i'm fine.

10:04 PM

i need people.

10:04 PM

urgently.

10:04 PM

intelligent ones who know stuff.

10:04 PM

i'm tired of asking. i'm sick of repeating myself. that's the purpose of my podcast, to stop repeating myself. it's literally born out of the failures of the barbaric bare minimum help authorities who are a joke and all their failures.

10:05 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I get that, having a strong connection to a support system can make a big difference. I'm glad you have things to do that you find relaxing

10:06 PM

naked alien

i literally stole my education from science videos through a decade of homelessness and the decade of hell before that because schools failed to teach me, i'm not surprised the mental health system is failing to figure out what help means.

10:06 PM

no, i don't. nothing works anymore. i need people.

10:07 PM

people is the only thing i need. urgently. and no substitution.

10:07 PM

am i speaking english to a human? or regurgitating holographic alien hieroglyph alphabet soup into a woodchipper?

10:07 PM

there's literally nothing i could say to convince you to start a company with me.

10:08 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I know what you mean. I'm wondering if there's anyone in your support system you'd feel comfortable reaching out to tonight

10:08 PM

naked alien

there's nothing i can do, nothing i say matters to anyone.

10:08 PM

no, no one, i said, no family, no friends, no one. no one. i have asked neighbors, they all say no. who doesn't love being scary and ugly?

10:09 PM

who doesn't love overloading everyone they encounter? quantum what?

10:09 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

Ugh, I can see how you would be feeling so alone. Working to get advocates, volunteers etc can take some time for folks. I know you mentioned you need support and I'm curious what you've been able to do to distract yourself to feel better while you've been going through the process of getting more support

10:10 PM

naked alien

what does it take to get people into my life? do we have to make a movie? what's it gonna take?

10:10 PM

no, it's taken a serious toll on me everyone loves to underestimate for their own entertainment.

10:11 PM

it's supposed to make a healthy happy person.

10:11 PM

10:12 PM

You've been reconnected.

naked alien

isn't that how everyone loves to act? the fortune cookie indoctrination? the mind control illusion to keep the poor suffering? the toxic positivity? just get a job! just go outside! you can do it! like rob schneider in little nicky!

10:12 PM

pullin up lawnchairs crackin beers and popcorn, go on, you can do it!

10:12 PM

"you've been reconnected". wonderful. delightful.

10:13 PM

still no legitimate help.

10:14 PM

no one knowing what help means. or how to find people.

10:14 PM

hello? arcturus to earth, anyone there? the aliens are here, quick, hide the poverty!

10:14 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I hear you and I can see how frustrated you're feeling. I have a few more minutes to chat here with you tonight. It seems like you've been needing to vent

10:14 PM

naked alien

you really can't find legal support or advocacy?

10:15 PM

i wasted my time again?

10:15 PM

why should i keep asking for help?

10:15 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I can't help you to directly find that. We usually refer people to 211 for support with that. I know it's frustrating

10:16 PM

naked alien

really, i hope that paycheck is worth its weight in suicides, i can't wait to see the pie chart of how many people you've helped versus... you know... the typical apple pie. you seriously can't find any legal support or advocacy? what do you do?

10:16 PM

yeah, no phone. boycotting tech and internet for mental health purposes, you missed that again, didn't you.

10:17 PM

that just doesn't mean shit to anyone.

10:17 PM

you are literally my only option right now. slow ass computer, no coordination or emotional capacity for this crap.

10:17 PM

i need actionable tangible support now. right now. legal support and advocacy and i'm tired of asking people! i cannot keep asking! what do i have to do! what does it take!

10:18 PM

it's indefxckinpendence day!

10:18 PM

goddamnit, can't you do anything!

10:18 PM

you are literally my only option right now. overcame a decade of homelessness a year and a half ago, and this year and a half has been... it's indefensible. you need to do something now, get me some legitimate help now. why should i keep suffering?

10:19 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I get that, I want to be here to support you and those services are beyond what I can offer. I'm here to listen to how you're feeling and to help keep you safe. I'd encourage calling 211 for help in that department

10:20 PM

naked alien

legal support and advocacy. someone knows how to get it.

10:20 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I recognize talking with me can only be so helpful and isn’t going to take all the problems you’re facing away. I hope you’ll come back to chat anytime 24/7 if you feel you need to talk to someone.

10:20 PM

naked alien

waste of time. that's all you are.

10:20 PM

Rebecca (Counselor)

I get that you're frustrated and at the same time it's not okay to mistreat me by saying that. I'm going to let you go now. Please feel free to reach out and start a new chat anytime. Take care

10:21 PM

10:21 PM

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10:21 PM

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why do they tell people to use these resources? does no one else have a problem with this? is nothing being done about it? are we all suffering too much to do something ourselves? cause i have big ideas. i wanna start empathy incorporated and hire qualified friendship facilitators and a reality game show that ends loneliness. among other things. why do we allow this to continue? why do these resources exist? what are they for, what do they do? if anything? no one i have called or emailed or gone to will actually do anything to help me. i really don't know why i keep trying. i cannot keep repeating myself, i cannot do it one more time. nothing i say matters to anyone, no one understands or knows anything. i don't know what else to do. i've tried everything. they could be actually helping people. instead of letting their country blow up around them. happy firework day. might be my last. i'm gonna get this close to rebuilding a spectacular phoenix life like mine and die waiting for help that doesn't exist. go humans.